How would you describe my ex’s behaviour?

[PotteringPondering]

I had a difficult 26-year marriage. I’m now trying to process it all – but as it’s the only long-term relationship I’ve had, I have nothing to compare it to.

Just a few weeks into the marriage, my ex developed a huge crush on another person, and became completely obsessed, talking about that person all the time. This happened repeatedly through the marriage, with at least eight different people.

On each occasion my ex would become infatuated, talk about the other person constantly, and keep ‘accidentally’ appearing in the neighbourhood where the current crush lived or worked. I only know of one of these crushes that became physical (kissing and holding hands in their lunch hour). After that one ended I got an apology, but not for any of the others.

Each time the emotional intensity was overwhelming, and left me feeling devastated.

I’m genuinely not angling for pity. I’m wanting to process it all, so I can move on in a healthy way. I tell myself not all relationships are like that – but a deeper, visceral reaction says, ‘why would you put yourself through that again?’

How would you describe my ex’s behaviour? If you were me, what heading would you file it under, to help you move on?

Under weird stalker!

I did know someone like this but the crush was only on one person as far as I know . His wife did get past it and they are still together . I personally think it's down to some kind of weird hormone inbalance the same as menopauzse but for men. Maybe he needs some kind of medical hormonal treatment ? Whichever way I would be clear in saying this can't go on .

O sorry I see it's your ex so it's not your concern any more ! Thank heavens!

Your behaviour, or rather your willingness to tolerate this batshittery for so long, is the real issue here. You should have left him at the first instance, because what he did was absolutely outrageous. He's a stalker, fgs.

I fear that you could find yourself in another abusive relationship unless you get help to figure out why you lived this way for so long.

This cannt be a genuine response?
So you think for 26 years OP's ex was going through some kind of hormonal imbalance similar to the menopause which caused him to become dangerously obsessed and stalk women?
Do you think all menopausal women become perverted, stalking maniacs until they start taking HRT?
I read some funny shit on here but this might be the best yet

So reassuring to see people use the words 'weird stalker', 'batshittery', 'outrageous' and 'abusive' to describe my experience.

Aquamarine1029, you're right: the real question is why I put up with it for so long. The short answer is that (for complicated reasons) separation seemed like an unthinkable option. I was wrong: I'm so much happier now.

Scary

Does he have a generally obsessive personality? Like take up a new hobby, buy ALL the stuff and then lose interest?

He's an attention seeking cheater, likes the thrill of the chase and gets bored easily.
Total lack of respect for you and the women he chased after.

I don't think many men will be quite so brazen in relationship, to talk about them like he did.
There must of been signs before you married him?
Any man that shows any flirtatious signs towards other women should be dumped on the spot before marriage ever happens.

You're not alone OP. I stuck with a dispicable man for years and not sure why. Think we married too soon and didn't realise what he was like. I had to have 3 months of counselling and felt much better for it.

Your comments on my post have helped me put my marriage in context: it was outrageous. When a partner presents something outrageous as normal, for more than a quarter-century, you lose all perspective and begin to question your own sanity. I guess that's gaslighting. Thanks to those who have responded.

Interestingly, you've all assumed (not unreasonably) I'm a woman and my ex is a man, which is not actually the case. But that's OK – it remains outrageous whoever does it.

He’s your ex. It doesn’t matter what label you put on him, though creepy stalker would do. Be grateful you’ve escaped, put it in a box and move on.

Immature. Emotionally still a teenager. I can relate a little as my STBXH developed a massive crush on someone who had been his "girlfriend" at school. It was clear to everyone that his head was in the past and she was just having a laugh. He then went on to be obsessed with another girl from school days. He's stopped digging into the past and now dating apps provide fodder for him to obsess over. It's a very sad example of a midlife crisis

Yeah like chemical castration

Moving on isn't in correctly labelling his behaviour. Moving on is in recognising that you don't need to.

MFT

Massive Fucking Twat

That's very wise – and I've been pondering it a lot today.

But I wonder if labelling something as bad behaviour can be valuable as an interim step. For some of us, at least.

For me, the default is to assume I'm probably in the wrong, and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. So hearing others label my ex's behaviour as creepy, abusive, batshittery, immature or whatever (see posts above) feels helpful. It helps restore perspective.

For me, the default is to assume I'm probably in the wrong, and give the other person the benefit of the doubt

Work on this, not on labelling the behaviour of someone who has nothing to do with you any more. The former is about you, the latter is about him. Is your life about you or about him, now?

I would file it under over and done, and I would not waste any more time thinking about it. If anything, I would try to examine what about me made me tolerate such behavior for so long.