Saying I’m leaving to a narcissist w/o setting him off?

[Teaandtoast35]

Hi everyone, thank you to all those who commented on my earlier thread. Ive got my ducks in a row and I’m leaving. Ive realised I have to be tactical about what I say because HE is tactical about everything and because I’m worried about -him claiming ownership of our kids things which I bought and put together (memory things and cuddly toys) and cannot live without
-that he will be living in my rental home and I need him to continue to pay rent
-we will always still have a child together even if he isn’t with us and I want his birthday in jan to be pleasant (baby lost earlier this year to stillbirth)
-stories he has told me about his past and small things he does suggest he has a vindictive streak

For all of these reasons, I want to try to do this so he remains as calm as possible. Any tips?

Sadly, my feeling is that one reason for him to remain on good terms would be “if it’s in his interests”. I’m in the same industry as him but further up the ladder and I’ve helped him a lot and could help him more. I won’t, but still I’m wondering about reminding him of this benefit to “keeping in with me” subtly while we are breaking up.

I think also “if it’s convenient” is a factor, so when I move out (he will b away) I will prep the house so he can just live and doesn’t have to change much.

I also think it’s not good to do it face to face because he is so often annoyed by the merely talking to me. He enjoys texting! I could also FaceTime. He goes away for work a lot.

I wonder how to say and do it. Should I be calm and mention work? Should I be honest about his behaviour (he knows I have a problem with it)? Should I say it’s me, my grief (what he always say when we try to talk about it)?

Thanks in advance for any replies mumsnet. I come on here every night to read stories of leaving. My situation is “not so bad” (no DA, but EA), but the EA crushes me and now he’s being very nice (and then sometimes suddenly being vicious about eg me leaving the margarine out for 2 min while I do the washing up) before he remembers “oh yes I’m supposed to be fake nice” and puts on a really disturbing smile again. But sometimes it works on my brain and I think “oh, he’s nice, do I really want to leave?” But yes I do.

Hi, you kindly posted on my tread, so I know we are in a similar boat.

Like you I am trying to figure out a way to tell my husband that I want to separate, without igniting the Narc Rage. I am thinking that bringing up his behavior will only work against me as he would never admit to it or see it that way. If your OH is a Covert Narcissist like mine, he will not be able to see it either. So instead, I am planning of going down the whole, this isn't working any more, we've drifted apart line instead and try to somehow remain on friendly terms, for the sake of DD and co-parenting. I am going to say that 'I won't go into who did or didn't do what as that will won't be constructive for us in the interest of keeping things amicable... I know you feel some resentment and I do too but it would only cause hurt to bring this up now so let's not discuss what has already been but focus on how we can make this work for DD'. That type of thing. I will even try not to mention the possible affair, if I can stop myself!

How about doing it in writing? But keep it short and no blaming or going into details of why or who did what as this could be used against you. Either by letter or other written means perhaps.

Someone with better experience might have a different suggestion on how to do this so I might take note of what advice you get and may change my approach accordingly.

I am not sure I understand - you want to break up but continue living in your rental home? Are there any live children involved?

Unfortunately, break ups are never easy and with a narcissist or emotionally abusive person, that's even more true. I don't remember if I've read threads by you before but overall, I'd say that if he is a narcissist and/or emotionally abusive partner, then there is no point in attempting to explain why you want to end things because he will simply ignore your thoughts and feelings and you will be subjected to the rage and further abuse. So a simple, "this just isn't working. We both know we're not happy. Let's go our separate ways."

But attempting to live in the same house is very very unlikely to work and will simply ramp up any gaslighting or other EA behaviour so you do need to ensure you get him out of the house as soon as possible.

In terms of joint grieving, I am very very sorry for your loss. That must be very hard. However, you may need to accept that your respective grief and pain will need to be handled separately and you will need to get support from other friends or family.

It doesn't really matter as your narc will always be right and you ll always be wrong. You may as well make as many preparations as you can. Don't take anything they say as granted unless it's written down or witnessed. And just make your exit.

Honestly? Why bother engaging at all? Between now and then keep everything superficial and to his advantage without giving anything away. After that, go GREY ROCK. Block all avenues of contact except email for future legal evidence if necessary. Email trails are vital. All contact will be about child and will be short, factual and entirely unemotional. Don’t rise to any emotional prodding/insults/baiting. Just keep them for later. If it is implied that your child is unsafe, etc, invite police/SS around for a welfare check and show them email trail to show compliance and arrange meetings in a place that is not your home ONCE PR IS ARRANGED IN COURT.

OP, I'm a little confused ?

You said you are ready to leave him, and have your ducks in a row.

Yet you're trying to find a way to prevent him taking sentimental toys etc from your kids ?
And you need him to continue to pay the rent on 'your rental' ?

Are you moving out or not ?
You said he would be away when you 'leave him', but are you actually leaving the joint home to live elsewhere ? (If you are, then I don't see the issue with precious toys etc, as you'll simply take them with you ?)

I separated last year from an apparent narcissist and I know how you may feel about all this. My advice to you an other posters, keep it short and to the point. No reason to try to explain why. If they cared they would have realized long time ago that their partner was not happy, but they did not care. No matter what you say and no matter how you say it, you will be a villain in their eyes and they will be angry at you. I would just say:" I am not happy in this marriage any more and I want out." Just like that. Do not allow him to pull you into any kind of discussion at this point as he just wants to play with your head and confuse you. Just say:" I made my decision." Good luck OP.

Ime remove every important paperwork and keepsakes prior to him finding out. My exh refused to let me take a thing of the dc's.... He recently died and the dc's things are with me at last. Waited 15 years though..

Hi, I’m new here and recently left my narcissistic ex with my two beautiful dogs (i know they aren’t children so I don’t presume to know how hard that is) and after 4 weeks I’m starting to feel free, excited about the future, in control of my life and just happy.

my advice is DO NOT TELL HIM you are leaving, just leave! Deal with the conversations when you’re gone, safe and in a space where you can think clearly without manipulation.

I’d block him everywhere, take a week to just be and when you feel strong enough reach out about whatever NEEDS resolving (i.e. furniture, kids maintenance etc) if you feel the conversation isn’t constructive then block him and take some time again. Your number one goal now should be to get your power back!! Xx good luck

Wanted to update this for anyone reading. I moved my belongings out completely while he was away and then broke up over video call again while he was still far away. If you are considering leaving someone where you know they will make it hard for you emotionally to leave (it felt like he could control my mind when I was in it) I would say do it this way. Protect yourself, take care of yourself, make a plan, keep boundaries up, firmly ask him not to text and don’t text back if he does. Life is so much freer now.

So glad you are happier now and it's worked out. Well done!

Lovely post!

Well done op.. The relief is immense isn't it?. Good luck with your new life..