Looking for a sense check - is there something wrong with me?

[Kenickie23]

Apols for length. In November of last year, my boyfriend of three years told me that he had been having an affair for basically the entire time he’d been with me and that he had chosen the other woman. In the space of a couple of hours I went from making plans to move in together and have kids to being totally left and betrayed.

As you can imagine, I was absolutely devastated and especially given my age (38) I felt like my entire life had been destroyed. The whole thing was exacerbated by the fact that we both work in the same,very small industry so I do still come across him from time to time. But apart from that I have gone absolutely none contact, refuse to speak to him about anything unrelated to work, and haven’t seen him in real life since november 2021 despite living within a mile of him.

Since then I have worked REALLY hard to rebuild things. After a few months of wallowing I’ve joined evening classes, been on dates, reconnected with friends and I really genuinely feel quite positive about my life.

But - here’s the thing - I still think about him frequently. At first I felt sad, and now I feel angry. I would say I think about him at least once or twice a day and feel furious about his behaviour. Its reduced massively- obvs when he first broke up with me I was thinking about him 24/7 - but it feels like he’s still in my head and recently its translated into a couple of incredibly vivid dreams about him.

I would really like some opinions on whether or not this is completely mad and, if it is, what I can do to fix it?! I’m so frustrated because I feel like I’m doing everything right and some days I feel great about my life but then others I am caught out by thoughts or dreams about him and it sets me back so much. I think if this is normal, I would feel better, but if it’s not, I would really welcome suggestions on how to fix it. Thank you.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're doing all the right things. So much of how we feel can be put down to hormones and chemicals and evolution - evolutionary feelings don't care about how badly someone has treated you; it's assuming the cave woman in you has had babies with this dickhead so therefore he's still kind of in your life.

Hope you feel better soon

I'm s sorry to hear this happened to you, please know the only thing thats not normal is the way he treated you! I think if you're feeling anger thats definitely the right emotion even though it can sometimes be a hard one to process! It can be a bit like stages of grief and I'd definitely say you're moving through them :) hopefully this one passes quickly, keep your head up, everything happens for a reason even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it at the time x

I would say this is absolutely normal, he was a huge part of your life and he betrayed you massively. This isn't something you quickly move on from. I'm a few years post my marriage break up due to infidelity, and I'm so much happier and at peace now and wouldn't or couldn't entertain the thought of being with him again. Yet everyday I think about it all. Sometimes I don't even notice, it just passes me by, but I'm still processing and making sense of it. Still putting pieces of the jigsaw together. E.g., I'll get triggered and remember something he said or did that was so confusing and upsetting at the time, and will then rethink it and process it with the information later gained thus getting a new, richer perspective. Sometimes I have to do it a few times to put it to rest. And, I don't hate him or resent him, we co-parent very amicably and can talk/laugh as "friends". I just still need to continue my own healing in the background. It's grief and you may well have some PTSD thrown into the mix too. I'd recommend therapy, invest in yourself and your own personal growth. You will move on and you will do better. Look after yourself.

Break-ups aer siilar to bereavement emotionally - so the stages of grieg apply. And that's shock - anger - depression - recovery (for those who are generally ok/well in their mental health).
So you aer now in anger stage still. Normal but for some people exercise or yoga/meditation help to speed up the recovery and lessen the next (sad acceptance) stage.

*are similar

OP it would be weird if this wasn’t still affecting you. Someone you trusted betrayed you so ruthlessly and proved to be nothing like the person you thought they were. That’s not just cruelly painful, it’s disorienting.

Personally I think you sound incredibly strong and positive. Things take as long as they take to process. I’m sorry you went through this but I’m glad that the trash took itself out, as they say.

Like previous comments, all normal healthy stuff.

Maybe when he pops in your head, resolve to think about it later and distract yourself. Or have a time when you think about it it, say for example I can't think about it now, only on the train home/ after dinner/ when washing up. You might find you don't need to.

Or write a letter to him and add to it every day. One day you'll be so sick and tired of that letter and you'll be done.

Ps Never send the letter!!

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied. Honestly it makes me feel so much better feeling like this is normal and I’m not some mad obsessed person. I think I always thought that was the case but hearing other people say it makes SUCH a difference. And I have great friends in real life but I’m just a little reluctant to talk to them about still having dreams about him etc because basically it’s really embarrassing!

@TheShit what you said about gaining a different perspective on things is just absolutely right - as I’ve thought back on stuff and reevaluated it I’ve realised he’s really not the person I thought he was - and the idea that I might have to go through previous stuff a few times to properly process it and realise what he was doing is just so helpful. Thank you!

@RiverSkater i love the letter idea, thank you

Love this letter idea x

It's 23 years since I split from my first husband and I still dream about him 😒

It’s normal and you’re normal and you sound brilliant. But this was horrible and traumatic and completely out of your control.

EMDR works incredibly well with this type of trauma, I’d start there x

Been divorced for 6 years/married for 28 years and I still dream about him. It was a very traumatic ending for me. I'm remarried too so it's a relief to wake up 😂.

Another vote for 'normal'

I went through something similar a number of years ago and it's pretty frustrating but you'll get there. You sound like you're doing a good job of moving on and as a PP said it's just a process / journey that you'll travel.

If you think back to how many times he was in your thoughts a year ago versus today and you'll see how well you're doing.

See if writing everything down that's in your head, every detail - whether it's mundane, angry, upsetting, write it all down then burn the paper you wrote on, I find this helps with distressing thoughts.

Good luck, you'll get there x

It might be worth looking into why you want to be 'normal'. There's no such thing. Who decides if you're normal or not? By needing to post here, you're showing that you need external validation; you're showing that you don't validate yourself. Or, put simply, you haven't got your own back. You're needing strangers on a forum to have your back for you.

Have sympathy for yourself. Imagine if you asked a friend and they said 'Yes, you're probably mad. It's not normal, how you're feeling; there's clearly something wrong with you.' Wouldn't that be heartless? That's what you're doing to yourself. Taking the heartless view. Choosing to see fault in you, rather than having some empathy. If you were nicer to yourself, you wouldn't need strangers to tell you you're 'normal'; you'd be too busy doing things that made you feel better.

Google self validation. If you were genuinely questioning your sanity, your life would be in bits and it isn't, so really, deep down, you already know you're just having a hard time right now.