financial stress

[Frenchgooner67]

I separated 3 years ago, at that time i agreed to continue to support my son (nearly 22) through Uni (4 years in Dublin), which i would have anyway. We got help with the fees, but i paid his living costs and rent. at the time this was €1000 a month, I'm now paying nearly €2000 a month, and am continually being asked for extra, last month it was €400, today another €500, and already warned at least another 300 next month as he need a new passport, and flights to UK, as he need to attend an interview at the passport office?. I've tried to tell her I can't sustain this, and that she needs to contribute, but i get told she can't afford it and this is what I agreed to. I've suggested to her he should get a job, but she says he does not have the time, and it would put too much stress on him in his final year. She has asked me not to mention it to him, as she says he is already doing his best to keep costs down, and it would upset him. This is now nearly half my income every month, but everything I say is ignored. I should also say i gave her a settlement of 75% of everything we had, so she could buy a house in the UK, leaving me in rented while i try to save for a house myself. i suppose i'm just moaning, but any advice is welcome

Stop paying! I would even question if the money is really going to your son.

Are you talking about demands for money from the ex? Very confusing.

If you’re not allowed to mention it to him, are you sure he’s getting the money? Do you pay him direct? Sounds like she may be dipping in.

I don't pay him direct, but im fairly sure she's not dipping in, as i know his rent is 1240e a month alone (dublin is super expensive). Its more the attitude to just demanding extra money, usually its i need to pay his credit card, with no thought as to whether i can afford it or not, or why she does not see how expensive this has become, or the fact she should contribute at this point

Contact your son and arrange to pay him directly. He is an adult now, so you should have no reason to contact or speak to your ex at all (unless there are also younger children).

You are not helping your son! You are enabling him to be financially irresponsible. There is no way that he will ever be financially responsible if you continue to bankroll him like this.

Goodness me this is absurd! He is an adult. If he cannot live within a budget he needs a job. People do jobs alongside Finals, ffs. He is living the life of riley and bleeding you dry and you are being a sap.

Talk to your son, check he got ALL the money you have overpaid, and explain there has to be a budget. Time for him to grow the heck up.

Id lay bets mum is either dipping in or not telling son that the money is from you.

1. Stop communicating with your ex. Pay the money into your son's account directly and communicate with him only.
2. Your son needs to get a job. It's not true that it's 'too much pressure' in final year, he just needs to learn to manage his time. You don't suggest it to her - you suggest it to him. He is your son, and he's also an adult.
3. Presumably for that amount of money he's renting his own flat. Why can't he move into a house share/ uni accommodation?
4. Check with your son that he has acutally received all the money you have been sending to your ex.

Sorry but the situation sounds really ridiculous, especially that you are going through your ex about finances for your adult son.

He needs to take control of his own life and finances, work out what he needs for himself and ask either/ both of you to support him if he can't make ends meet on his own. He should be leading on this, not the two of you.

Also does he not have a student loan for maintenance/ living costs? Why can't he get one?