Homosexual friendzone too much

[Angela59]

In brief, whilst working for a local accounts firm near Bristol I became friends with a openly gay effeminate guy, we worked together quite well. I was touched how much he confided in me (& I him) and we became platonicly close often going to the theatre meals out ect.
About three years ago He left to marry his partner and move some hundred miles away. Almost 12 months ago he moved back having traumatically split up and ended living at mine as he had nowhere to go assuring me it was temporary.

He has become too settled in my house however, it’s not a problem and he more than pays his way.
However it’s like living with my mother! He cooks cleans irons! and does all manner of housework my house is gleaming! I can’t fault his helpfulness, he even organised my wardrobe whilst I was away on my hols!I just feel there’s a dependency creeping in that is becoming slightly over bearing.

He says he’s looking for a place but it never seems to materialise, how do I give him a time limit?

I'm not sure what any of this has to do with him being gay, and the "friendzone" thing is baffling?? Just treat it the same way you would if a female friend was doing this. "So it's been really great having you here but tbh I'm looking forward to having the place to myself again. Want me to help you look on Rightmove?"

I have tried that approach but he always finds a way to avoid it, I don’t even mind having him around I just feel for his benefit he should spend more time concentrating on moving on and less time washing my knickers!

He can come and live with us if he likes!

To most women it would be idillic and when I have to do all this stuff myself I’m sure I’ll miss him as he’s really good at domesticity but it’s for his benefit he moves on I feel.
it is like having a great big sister looking after you but he needs the stability of a home and a relationship x

He says he’s looking for a place but it never seems to materialise, how do I give him a time limit?

"Chum, it's been great, but I need my home back to myself, & you need to re-establish your independence. So it's time to stop saying you'll look for a new place, & start doing it - because my timeline is [date]."

I’m setting my own timeline.
tonight I shall have it out with him
then
its two months x

I'll pm you my address, OP
I'm preparing the spare room as we speak 🥰🥰

If you don’t want this arrangement to continue indefinitely, setting a time limit is a good idea.

Just an fyi, you might want to google the meaning of “friendzone”

Aw he sounds lovely!

I would say "shall we go look have a look together at houses/flats and see what takes your fancy?" Then make light of you enjoy having him there but need your own space back.

You might want to look at his behaviour as quite unboundaried / invasive (re-arranging your wardrobe whilst away, washing your knickers) and possibly self-serving.

And it seems to have worked because he has you where he wants you - too anxious to ask him to move on / make his own plans.

Interesting what happened with the “traumatic” marriage. Do you know the other side of the story?

Think carefully how to handle this and potentially expect fireworks in your direction and accusations of being ungrateful and all he has done for you once you bring up reclaiming your own home.

He sounds amazing I'd never want him to leave

Interesting first post.

A big part of me doesn’t ! He was there for me during my divorce (at work) and he’s been a resident cat sitter ( mad cat lady lol ) when I’ve gone on my hols, he’ll taxi me here and there, my wardrobes have never been so organised, his ironing! He must have gone to night school for that! Gardening, painting, decorating, you name it. Promise I’m not trying to sell him lol
But I do feel it’s for his own good x

Dreading telling him now

I'll have him, OP. He sounds great!

The “conversation” went ok but he got terribly upset saying he loved living with and looking after me, even saying at one point hed do anything for me.
I did feel guilty but stuck to my guns and tried to be nice but firm. I said there was no immediate rush but I’d like the situation resolved in three months (only because of Christmas) He then said something a little weird but I just pretended I didn’t hear it.
I consulted with my boyfriend that evening, (who’d previously said my tenant gave the creeps!) and said he
may have a rental property coming up, so hopefully this will all go smoothly.

Well done for bringing it up and holding on through the (manipulate?) emotional stuff (what a silly self-serving reaction for a grown adult IMHO).

What did he say that was weird?

Something about how he’d like to continue doing my housework

Oh God, he's not one of those 'maid' perves, is he?

What do his sexual orientation and effeminacy have to do with anything? And what do you think the term ‘friend zone’ means?

What are you talking about?

Tbf I think that the intention was probably to not give the impression that there was any other kind of relationship going on.

And to do that, she felt the need to describe him as ‘effeminate’? That’s a bit distasteful.

Still not seeing the relevance of ‘friend zone’. Unless she doesn’t know what that means.

Nope. The whole description of the friend seemed cobbled together from watching crap romcoms featuring stereotyped My Gay Best friend characters.
Then regurgitated onto MN by someone who's never knowingly had a gay mate ...