Can my ex simply take my 12 year old?

[Chuntypops]

We are divorced, he sees the kids EOW for one maybe 2 nights. He was abusive when we were married and one of our sons is his favourite.

hes 12 and his dad lets him do what ever he wants and they sleep in the same bed. The other two (my son’s twin, and their older brother 13) have their own rooms there.

My son has been a pain in the bum all evening culminating in “I want to go and live with daddy.” Foolishly I said “I’d bloody drive you there right now, but he hardly has you as it is.” Then I stamped off to pick up one of the others.

Im back and he’s smugly announced that his dad is going to email me and he’s going to change schools and live with him. He has an EHCP and full time 1:1, he would also be moving out of county, and his dad has even said he will sort out his support in school.

i am trying not to react but I feel like I’m going to explode. What do I do?

Well first of all keep calm. Your ex will have to find a school place, which may be very difficult. He may well have to have an annual review in order to change the named school on his EHCP. This could take weeks if not months especially if he lives in a different LA.
Just say ‘that’s nice dear’ to your son and when your ex emails you, remind him that children cant just change schools at the drop of a hat, so what’s he planning on doing with your DS whilst he's not in a school?

I think he thinks he will stay here and I’ll just hand him over! Or worse, manipulate S (my son) into saying that’s what he wants to do until I cave in.

Do you have a court ordered child? If ex was abusive, I can imagine he had to apply officially for access to allow him to have unsupervised overnight visitation
Either way, no he can't legally just take one of the children. Get legal advice immediately.
And I would also be very worried that he has a favourite child that he shares a bed with. For this reason alone, I wouldn't let him visit, never mind go live there

My son did this, it actually got to the point where all his stuff was packed up and I drove him 2hrs to his dads house. He lasted there 15mins before I got a sheepish call asking me to collect him because he wanted to come home.

I agree with PP, try not to react with your son because that will escalate things and entrench him in his position. Ask ex the difficult practical questions. Hopefully, he will realise how hard it will be and it will fizzle out.

It's so hard for you and incredibly upsetting. I'm sending you a massive hug.

Stop twisting shit, she didn't say she told DC she didn't want him, she said she'd drive him there in a moment of frustration.

If he has an ECHP it’s a hard no

you need legal support
but no he can’t , your legal argument will be waaaay stronger

but you will lose some sweat blood and tears here and I’m sorry for that

I’m assuming he is diagnosed ?

stay calm and don’t react to this emotionally

Yes fully diagnosed and a cast iron EHCP with a superb placement and bespoke support. <preen> I put in a LOT of work on it.

Am starting to calm down.

its all written into the consent order but not separate access arrangements. He was emotionally and financially abusive to me.

Thankyou. I’m knackered.

Please try get some sleep tonight. I'm not surprised you're knackered.
In the longer term, I'd get some legal advice about getting a formal child arrangement in place.

You’ll be fine

keep breathing
the power of the law and ECHP and best for child will prevail

but it’s damm stressful especially when you get the trigger reaction to an abusive ex
and an upset asd son ( have one too !)

It's so upsetting when dc do this, no doubt egged on by his df. Your ex is using this as another way to abuse you!

Try not to react and if your dd mentions it again simply say you're talking to his Dad about it.

Text your ex and ask him for a date as to when he's collecting ds and to make arrangements to get him to school. I bet my bottom dollar it won't happen, or your ex and dd will be fed up within a week and they'll ask to change back

My dd did this object after throwing a tantrum (teen) because I asked her to put her phone downstairs. She was back in a week when she realised that Dad wasn't as much fun to live with24/7

As other have said, you will be able to fight this. But, I have to say that I’m concerned about this bed sharing, your son isn’t a small child anymore. Does he always prefer to share a bed, or is this just happening with your ex?

Do get legal advice pronto.
As it is - even if you don’t have a court ordered child access - you do have a status quo arrangement. In order for it to change - parents need to either come to an agreement, or go to court.
So - if ex does indeed write to you with a proposal to change, I’d reply with -
…. I disagree with the proposed change as it is not in the best interest of S
…. I have taken legal advice and if you decide to proceed with insisting on this change - we will have to go to court and let family judge decide what it best for him.

Of course - if it does end up in court - your S’s wishes will be taken into account. But it won’t be the only thing. The fact that his has siblings, his educational needs, plus worrying boundary crossing relationship with his father - will also come into play.

Good luck. I am sure your ex is not going to bother if he realises you mean business.
My Ex threatens me with going to court to demand 50/50 every now and then - especially when we are trying to negotiate something and I stand firmly on not giving him everything he wants. I always say - it is your right, see you in court then. And stick to my position. Eventually he backs off.

THANK YOU! why has nobody else commented that he has a 'favourite' child who sleeps with him - even at 12 years old? It's not because DC has SEN or OP would have said. But she specifically says he is his favourite, he let's him do what he wants and they share a bed while other 2 children have their own rooms. Where does DC sleep when in yours OP?

I know, @Dontbelieveawordofit , it really concerns me. When my DH is away, my DS (14) occasionally comes into our bed for a hug, but he doesn’t regularly sleep in it and I wouldn’t want him to.

Re the bed sharing, I think the plan is that when he moves into his new house, S will have his own bed there. S has always been a snuggler and gets in with me or with his twin too. I don’t particularly like it because my ex smokes and he comes back smelling of him, but I have no concerns about the situation being inappropriate as it were.

S has backpeddled like mad this morning too by the way and I can tell he thinks he might have over done it - he’s all “let’s be best friends mum” and there has been no mention of Daddy.

And that’s as well because I will unleash Hades if his dad tries to push this. So I think it’s posturing. And will end up at “well of course I’d have you here but mummy won’t let you/there’s no space at school” etc

That’s good to hear, OP. 💐

Legally as you don’t have a lives with order, yea dad could just refuse to return and you’d have to make an emergency application to court etc. So perhaps do some research and have some money put away or get some advice etc just in case.

I do think it is odd that he has a favoured child that shares his bed, over and above a twin and an older child.

Also, splitting a 12 yo from his twin and older brother is not good. Usually children should be together unless it is in their interests to be apart.

Hope you get some good legal advice.