Constant lying

[Ollifer]

Partner of 5 years, live together, kids etc. He constantly lies - about all sorts of things. And will only admit the truth when I can literally show him the proof that I know.

Loads of lies I've uncovered, mainly relating to money. He's had loads of debt, lied about credit cards, loans, spending on himself, and most recently found he's been betting money away. He always makes sure his half of bills etc are paid but he can never contribute to anything else as he spends the rest on himself or spunks it up the wall on losing bets.

We are literally on our knees at the moment financially and within the last few weeks I've found out about yet another secret credit card and about 100 quid that's been lost on bets in a fortnight.

He's also lied about tonnes of other things, stupid things like who he's been with at work, as if he thinks he can't say he has spoken to a woman (why would I care?!?) he just seems incapable of telling me the truth and I'm sick of it, I don't believe a word he says anymore. And I'm so upset as we get on so well and I do love him to bits and he's a great father. I've helped him a lot with money in the past but I can't do it anymore as I'm going through a tough time money wise myself.

I have a lot of stress to deal with and he's making everything so much worse. Every time I discover another lie he breaks down and cries and says he will change but never does.

Neither of us are financially in a position to move out into separate houses, so I feel stuck living with him. But I can feel myself checking out of the relationship and I can't really bear to spend much time with him at the moment.

Is there any coming back from this? I feel like I'm going mad, I'm paranoid that he's hiding things all the time and I know he's always deleting emails etc and things so even if I did snoop and saw nothing I'd just know he's deleted it anyway. Just really sad he keeps doing this as he says he loves us and doesn't understand why he lies but I'm past the point of even listening to the excuses now.

The trust is gone so its already over.

The best thing you can do is keep all your finances separate from him and work towards it being financially viable to separate.

In the mean time he would be wise to seek professional help for his gambling. Not for you big for himself so he can afford to live alone.

If I were you I'd look to move out of that property. I suspect the bailiffs will show up at some point.

You shouldn’t describe yourself as paranoid. Your concerns are valid.

Lots of pointers to gambling addiction. He needs to recognise it and seek help before it's too late for your family to recover.

I couldn't be with someone that lies this much.

There must be a way out of this for you - it's destroying you.

Have you checked on the Entitled To website to see what you could claim if you were single?

He's not a great father at all. Gambling away money that should be spent on the family? Lying to their mother? Lying to them when they're old enough to understand? All this in just five years?

What you describe is very familiar and I'm afraid based on my own experience I can't imagine how your partner will ever change his behaviour.

My ex compulsively lied, or failed to disclose full facts, throughout a 25 year relationship. The dishonesty was applied universally, from small inconsequential things, right through to major life issues including finances, which impacted not only on our household but on other members of my family too. I was constantly being gaslit. My mental health suffered enormously. They seemed to genuinely not comprehend any of this behaviour as dishonest.

No amount of counselling, or then impending and finally, actual separation, ever had any effect on the extent to which they lied. Not only that but even now they continue to teach our children that lying is acceptable by hiding key information from me - even if literally life-threatening - and actually telling the children that I won't be told.

Please take steps to remove yourself from this relationship. Your partner won’t change.

And I'm so upset as we get on so well and I do love him to bits and he's a great father.

Great fathers don't rack up secret debts.
A great father doesn't always makes sure his half of bills etc are paid but he can never contribute to anything else as he spends the rest on himself or spunks it up the wall on losing bets.
Great fathers don't constantly lie to the mother of their children.

Do you own or rent your home?
Because if you own, he could take out a loan against the property. I hope PP will be along to advise, as I cannot remember the name of this prohinition - but you can have some kind of marker put against your property to endure a co-owner cannot do this without your knowledge & signature.

Either way, make sure you regularly check his credit score. And your own. You wouldn't be the first woman to have her partner illegally secure debt in her name. Put all your money into accounts that only you can access.

Longer term - what are your career prospects? Check out what benefits you'd be entitled to if you became a single parent. I'm so sorry this is happening to you - it's nerve-wracking & soul destroying.

OP, have you heard of trauma bonding? I’m peeling away from my DP now. But I’ve been so “trauma bonded” that I’ve been blind to lots of things. I thought he had one problem - like you are saying, “he lies”, but actually he was treating me so poorly in many ways. It felt subtle. It IS possibly subtle. But now my eyes are open I can see he talks to me daily - not all day but daily - with disdain and irritation, finds small ways to disrespect me and act as if eg me being in the kitchen when he’s there is me being “in the way”, finds small ways to control me “we can’t talk about this now how about at 2.30pm? But only for ten minutes”. Every time he is NICE… my heart leaps. I can’t leave him. He’s lovely! That’s what I think. But that’s trauma bonding. I have worry in the back of my mind often - how will he react to me being here? To me talking? And then when he’s nice I’m flooded with relief. I’ve realised lately, by taking a step back, looking with a critical eye, and reading a book (Why Does He Do That?), that he’s actually much more calculating than I thought he was. I think you might find the same - that his lies are actually part of a calculated, broader belief or attitude towards women in general. And as for lying about talking to a woman at work, he’s either into her OR (more likely?) he is trying to imply he is just so you’ll be a bit insecure just for that little bit of power. I really don’t fully understand myself why they do it, but my (seemingly very nice to the outside world, lovely feminist boyfriend that all my friends think is better than their boyfriends) does a hundred little controlling things every day to me that I hadn’t notice til recently - like if I talk to him in the morning he’ll tell me he’s on the toilet even though he’s not, just so I won’t talk to him, if we have agreed to go out on a walk he will find a 5 min task and make me wait by the door, ready, if I go do something without him he will say he wishes he could do it with me but he has to do something and if only I could not do that right now, but in two hours, just so it’s ME who is blamed for us not spending time together, if we are in the kitchen he will dart in front of me no matter what I’m doing and tut and say things like “should I just let you cook now then and I’ll come back?” in an exasperated tone, or “how long dyou think you’ll be?” I have no idea why but he just wants to control everything. Anyway. The point is, are you REALLY in love with him? And I use that phrase to mean, do you love him like a lover?

@Teaandtoast35 you are coming over as so clearsighted - you will get your own escape. Hang on in there while you count down - & Grey Rock that bastard!

Why do you think he's a great father when he lies constantly, destroying the stability of the family home, and he wastes all the money that could be spent on providing his kids with a better life? He's a shit father.

Do you mean he loves to cuddle them and play games with them? And if that's all you think 'being a good parent' is, compare it to all the things you do to be a good parent. Is it the same?

Exactly what I thought.

You're all right. I know I've been a mug. I'm currently doing everything I can to see how I can move out and be financially independent, maybe I'll be entitled to something as a single parent.

Just so fucking sad that someone is just so shit, I really thought he was the one I'd spend my life with. So fucking depressed.

Sorry forgot to say thank you for the messages and advice. It does help to hear outside perspective as his family are minimising everything and making me think I'm being harsh by being at the end of my tether.

Also forgot to add I am currently working my ass off for a promotion, I don't earn much but I'm studying for a qualification and in 12 months should go up a couple of pay grades.

I was with a gambling addict.
The lies are awful, it will always be just in your head until you have 💯 proof, even then there will be no apology.

The day I confronted my ex and called him a gambling addict everything changed.
He became abusive because I refused to facilitate his gambling anymore.

I wouldn't wish financial & emotional abuse on anyone.

OP take some time to process your situation and perhaps reach out to the National abuse helpline. You can message them online and specify how and when you want them to respond, email, text or call at a time convenient for you.

Don't let his problem define your life, time to reach out 💋