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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I wrong to feel so violated ?!

22 replies

Theladyinred · 15/11/2022 14:52

Been with my (now ex) dp nearly 5 years . Last year he had a serious accident and bought a caravan earlier this year . He decided to live on the site and found some friends and then it all went down hill from there to the point where it all become really toxic and we’ve had a lot of rows and people on the site have took sides …

So we’ve recently split up , he’s stayed living in his caravan and has formed a close friendship with someone who is well known on the site for liking a drink too much , she’s banned from most of the park and she’s latched onto my ex dp (she has a husband and grown up kids but she admits she wears the caravan . The grown up kids have their partners grilled , doctors appointments made for them and she’s very intense with them just to paint a picture of this woman .

So , fast forward to recently we’ve split up but all my stuff is still at the caravan , we was in the process of moving down there full time but then we started arguing a lot … we bought 2 puppies not long after we had the caravan so life has been so stressful . I work and travelled 2 hours each way to get back to the caravan so on top of constant arguments , I was actually mentally and physically drained . Ex “d”p didn’t do anything in the caravan and if I didn’t do it it wouldn’t get done . So I kept staying away for weeks at a time coming home , the caravan would get worse , the puppies were destroying everything and then his health deteriorates to the point where he went on holiday with his friends last month and this friend had the dogs and a key to the caravan . Ex partner told me the friend had done a “deep clean “ of the caravan then last week ex dp took an over dose and ended up in intensive care so again this friend decided to clean his caravan …

what everyone has decided to not tell me but she’s actually packed all my stuff . So the caravan was a big mess , the washing machine wasn’t working , the dogs had destroyed everything whilst his mental health deteriorated and I wasn’t around , he would sleep a lot and basically he was depressed so the caravan was in a state .

So this friend has gone thru his caravan and packed up all my stuff , nothing was anywhere it should be . The bedroom had become a floordrobe , bathroom was like a laundry room for dirty washing and everywhere was just chaos coz he wasn’t well , I just didn’t have the mental headspace to tidy up and 2 puppies in the mix …

So now I feel violated that someone has walked into his caravan to “help” him but in the mean time has gone thru everything I own to pack it all ! So the bathroom I imagine was full of dirty pants , my sex toys were in the bedroom , Ann summers stuff … you know normal couple stuff and she’s packed the lot and sorted out his caravan !!

without me knowing any of this !

And he can’t see why I feel hurt and disrespected that someone he’s known 6 months has done this !!!

ok if it hadn’t been such a mess I would’ve thought ok that’s great but the fact the last time I was down the caravan we were arguing , life was stressful , I hadn’t thought to hide my most secret things because I never expected this ? I didn’t think I would have some woman on the site going thru my stuff ?!
Judging me for failing as a woman and not looking after him as a partner I guess !
whereas we all know someone can look into anyone else’s relationship and judge but if you was in it yourself you might see a very different perspective.
I don’t know if she’s done it without him knowing or if she’s told him and he’s just thought great or if he hasn’t wanted to say no to her incase it looks bad on him that he’s been slagging me off to everyone and now he can get rid of my stuff he doesn’t want to so has gone along with it to save face …

Whatever option , I still feel like a virtual stranger has violated me ! How would anyone else feel in this situation ?

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 15/11/2022 14:56

So you left all your stuff on the floor including your private stuff with no clear plan about when to collect it from what is no longer your home and you're annoyed that someone has sorted it all out for you? How long were you expecting your ex-DP to wade through your clothes and sex toys? Is this a reverse?

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 15/11/2022 15:01

But in answer to the question, as I left my room a mess as a teenager and was embarrassed that a relative packed it up when we moved house, which is a bit similar, I'd feel deeply embarrassed that I'd left all my stuff like that and I'd probably feel a bit angry and defensive toward the people who sorted it out because it brings it to my attention that I'd left it in such a state. But at the same time I'd see they were doing me a favour so I would never say anything other than "thank you for packing my stuff and making it easy for me to collect it".

CiderJolly · 15/11/2022 15:17

I think I would be embarrassed too but realise that she had good intentions so just try and put it out of your mind. Not worth dwelling on.

Theladyinred · 15/11/2022 15:39

In a private bedroom tht no one else should be going into ?

He has made it impossible for me to even go and sort it due to how awkward he’s being with me going to the site . I have hardly anything left in my flat due to it all being at the caravan . I haven’t WANTED to leave it all there by choice but he hasn’t allowed me to go get it so I thought it would’ve been normal for him to say “can you come and sort your stuff “ rather than have someone off the site wade in and do it for me .

and the sex toys were in a suitcase that he took away with him I haven’t seen him since he’s been on holiday so I know he would’ve just dumped them on the bed rather than put them back into the case ….

He’s been sleeping on the sofa for months so that was technically “my room” but I didn’t know I wasn’t going to be going down to sort it out coz he’s stopped me so many times . I was going to go down on Sunday for my stuff and he msged me saying he’s had a bad day …

so yeah I feel embarrassed that someone has been going thru my stuff ! It’s a bit like if your ex had a new partner who was going thru your knicker drawer I feel like that !

OP posts:
Dontbelieveawordofit · 15/11/2022 15:54

I personally think you have more important stuff to worry about than someone seeing your sex toys.
However, different people have different priorities so hey ho.
If your ex is refusing to let you get your own personal belongings, even though they are already packed up and ready to go, you could, as a last resort, contact the police who will be able to attend the property with you and make sure you recover your property without any hassle.

baileys6904 · 15/11/2022 16:54

I think you're getting angry at the wrong person...

Natty13 · 15/11/2022 20:58

I really think you need some perspective.

Marmitemother · 15/11/2022 22:27

I'm more concerned about the two puppies as should you be!

Who is caring for these abandoned dogs? Who the heck gets animals when life is so chaotic?

YouTarzan · 15/11/2022 22:33

I think most people would feel embarrassed - but I think calling it ‘violated’ is a bit over dramatic.

CourdroySlacks · 15/11/2022 22:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DomesticShortHair · 15/11/2022 22:48

Well, putting the rest of your post to one side for a minute, I absolutely agree that buying a caravan is a serious accident.

Seaoftroubles · 15/11/2022 23:00

The whole situation is a mess, it sounds completely toxic.Your ex partner has no right to refuse to let you retrieve your possessions, so just go down and collect whatever belongs to you. lf he is difficult then as a previous poster says, involve the police. Don't worry about the woman 'helping' him, you don't have to answer to her. And for heavens sake rescue the poor puppies who should never have been left in such chaos!

Bigbadfish · 15/11/2022 23:00

The moat important part here is that the puppies need to be afraid away from the lot of you.

You, him, her. Jesus Fucking Christ get some dignity.

CourtneeLuv · 15/11/2022 23:01

Wad it your dirty pants all over the bathroom?

CourtneeLuv · 15/11/2022 23:02

If so, I'd be fucking embarrassed too op.

OldWivesTale · 15/11/2022 23:11

What's happened to the poor bloody puppies, more to the point? Who is caring for them?

Livelovebehappy · 15/11/2022 23:12

You seem to be more upset by someone having access to your dirty pants than you do about the fate of your poor puppies. At least get your priorities right, and either re home them or pass then to an animal charity.

Slanty · 15/11/2022 23:21

Those poor dogs.

HipposHaveNipples · 15/11/2022 23:24

Please rehome the puppies. They deserve better. I couldn't follow the rest of it.

Nolosomi · 15/11/2022 23:26

This is why I don’t leave my dirty kecks lying around.

lifeturnsonadime · 15/11/2022 23:29

I can't get past the puppies, where are they now ? Are they safe?

AgentJohnson · 16/11/2022 06:01

Wow!

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