Friends wife inappropriate?

[Notparticularlyslappable]

Hi, long time poster name changed for this as know several peeps on here irl. I’m a man and always post as such.

I’m after a little group perspective please as not sure where to go with this if anywhere.

My long term partner and I made friends with a lovely family through school about 9 months ago. We’ve had a number of get togethers such as bbq’s, social nights, days out, etc. and everyone seems to get on fantastically.

The time before last we had an evening at theirs and the wife was a little too handsy for my liking. As in she shimmied past behind me when we were all chatting, placing her hands on my hips and almost caressing me as she passed. The sort of move you wouldn’t think twice of making with your own partner. There was also some ‘unintentional’ footsy under the table later in the evening.

I shrugged it off as just a bit of tipsy silliness and didn’t really think more of it.

We visited again last week for an evening get together, and during the night I was on my hands and knees at one point playing with their puppy in a room on my own and someone gave my arse a slap. Turned around and it was the wife again. Felt instantly awkward so chose to ignore it and launched into jokey small talk about the dog and quickly headed back to the other guests.

That’s it really. I’m not sure if I’m reading too much into it, but it’s been troubling me since. I’ve not told my partner, as she might find it upsetting and it could potentially ruin the blossoming relationship with the family.

Any advice? I’m swaying between ignore completely, tell all the above to my partner, or wait to see if she does anything else and call her out on it this time.

Thanks for reading!

Take a step back from these friends, and tell your partner why you feel the need to do so. It's inappropriate behaviour that makes you uncomfortable - so why carry on placing yourself in the positions where its going to carry on?

That’s it really. I’m not sure if I’m reading too much into it, but it’s been troubling me since. I’ve not told my partner, as she might find it upsetting and it could potentially ruin the blossoming relationship with the family.

Don't withhold this info from your partner.
She is a fully functioning autonomous adult - she can handle it.

I find it hard to understand your reasoning here.
You say you worry that the mere fact of telling your partner about Mrs Inappropriate might ruin the new family friendship.
Why would it? The only thing that can ruin it is Mrs Inappropriate continuing to be ... inappropriate.
In which case it's not a relationship you want in your lives anyway, is it?

Tell your DPexactly what you have said here, so that when Mrs Inappropriate touches you again, you can verbally remonstrate with her, & your DP will already know the reasons behind it if there is any fallout.

Good phrases to use:
"You are making me uncomfortable."
"Please stop touching me"
"How dare you?" (the arse slap!!)
"Stop being inappropriate."

Be that direct. Until you Name The Behaviour, you will be unable to put a stop to it.
Don't let any of this come as a surprise to your partner.

Tell your dp and sod the friendship. She's overstepping boundaries.

I'd be giving her a very wide berth, and I'd explain to my partner why I was doing it.

You're creeped out because she's being creepy. Let your partner know at least that she's being a bit weird and you'd rather not see her and you can either switch to a friendship with the blokes together and women together or just back away depending on what works for you.

Yes, tell your partner. I understand the impulse to ignore something awkward and hope it goes away, but it's now a pattern and it's making you uncomfortable enough that you're asking people on the internet what to do.

Firstly, I'm sure she can handle it. Secondly, by dint of the fact that you socialise as a couple with this other couple, the way you navigate it has to be a team effort. Up to you exactly how that is - how much to pull back and in what ways; whether to call her out if there's another incident and how to do so. But you should be on the same page.

Also, be very clear about what this behaviour is - it's sexual harassment. It might not feel like it because the power dynamics aren't what you associate with that phrase, and you probably don't feel threatened as such at this point. But you know that if it was the husband caressing your wife's hips and slapping her arse when he caught her in a room by herself, you'd be in no doubt what to call it.

It's about recognising what kind of person she is. She's a harasser. The friendship might be "lovely" on the surface but people who sexually harass other people are potentially dangerous (not just physically) and should be given as wide a berth as possible.

If this was your wife and the man, it would be so so so unacceptable

Same applies for you
Don't let her make you feel like this

And tell your wife she is there to support you

People like her destroy families, cut them out

It's not worth the superficially fun get togethers

She slapped your arse, seriously? If you want to carry on the friendship I'd be telling her in no uncertain terms to pack that shit in. Then you could leave it, see if she takes the warning. Maybe she's testing the waters, see if you're up for anything else. Awful behaviour. I definitely wouldn't let yourself be alone or near her at future gatherings. I can see why you might not want to share with your partner cos everyone seems to get on so well, but blimey, some people are weird.

Such inappropriate behaviour. Either she fancies you or there's a massive age gap between you and she's the older one behaving badly?

Oh female predator alert, mumsnet doesn't believe they exist.

Next time you're with her record the conversation.
Tell your wife and then send the tape to her husband, he deserves to know she's a vulture and if you don't get evidence this woman may turn the tables and accuse you.

Honestly seen it done, no one believed the man.

Best bet though just cut contact, if that's not possible protect yourself.
I've known women like this who just do it for shits and giggles.

Well the first thing you need to do is tell your wife.
She can absolutely handle it and then she'll also be aware of the situation. Why men think that not telling us stuff is protecting us or something, is beyond me.

Next, if you do socialise with this family again and mrs inappropriate does anything at all inappropriate you need to say something. And you will also have your wife to back you up as she will already be aware of a potential situation.

You don't have to go out all guns blazing. But a simple shut down is enough to make it clear she needs to back off. If she doesn't get the message then its probably best to distance from them anyway surely.

Female predators definitely exist. I've known more than one try to make a move on my husband.

Thanks guys. Some excellent advice here.

As was mentioned it does feel like she’s testing the waters.

Also, I know it’s not relevant, but she’s actually a decade younger than me and a fairly physically attractive woman. I’m a very average 39 year old man, who’s gone through life with no more unwanted attention than the occasional bum pinch in a nightclub when I was younger! Guess that’s why I was a bit stumped and thought I was possibly misinterpreting her behaviour.

I’ll have a good chat with my partner tonight. Hopefully we can together put this back in its cage without destroying the friendship, as we genuinely do all get on really well in all other areas, and the kids can’t get enough of each other.

Caressing your hips, Footsie under the table, Slapping your arse??

Definitely tell your Partner for transparency and to manage this as a united front. This ‘friend’ is being so disrespectful to you, P and your children with her inappropriate moves. She is not a friend of your marriage and family.

Frankly, I would detach from the friendship and call a halt to the gatherings.

If the husband in this friendship group did the same to your wife I can bet your wife would have told him to back off, and told you.

Not just thought it was ok to ignore it?

I think you should maybe face this woman alone and if you can pop over and say listen what you are doing is wrong, it makes me uncomfortable, either stop or we won't be over again.

That way the importance of the friendship is in her court.

Tell your dp and sod the friendship. She's overstepping boundaries.

this 💯

I think you should maybe face this woman alone and if you can pop over and say listen what you are doing is wrong, it makes me uncomfortable, either stop or we won't be over again.

No way!
Pop his head into the lion's mouth?
Potentially have this woman who has already shown OP that she is happy to break the social contract - kick off with drama/accusations/speculation?

It would be VERY ODD to "pop over".
OP should just tell his wife, & deal with any more inappropriateness in the moment.

Have phone on record and talk to her and have that incase no one believes you.

Tell your wife. You don't want it coming out and it to look like you didn't say anything because you enjoyed it or anything like that.

Everytime you see her take a solicitor with you, preferably a qualified barister of England and Wales..😂

I don't think she fancies you I think she's just an inappropriate drunk person. Tell your partner that her friend gets too touchy feely. Most women if they fancied a man they would actually be more guarded and hyper aware of every touch and may even overcompensate by being more distant or avoidant. I highly doubt a 29 year old woman is slapping a nearly 40 year old's arse for anything but a laugh. She probably thinks you're 'safe' to be comfortable with not fancy you.
In any event it's not appropriate and not making you uncomfortable so tell your partner and avoid this woman.

Definitely tell your wife because chances are if you start rebuffing the friends advances she might turn the tables on you.