Anyone who has been in this situation knows that doing the actual LTB is easier said than done. First there is the denial, the 'it's not so bad, he's just a bit grumpy/stressed at work/bereaved/depressed/the list goes on', then fear of the unknown, the trauma bonding and the cognitive dissonance as a result. When we try to stand up for ourselves there's the DARVO. And yes, I have learnt about most of the above as result of reading MN and wise MNers links to other websites. Knowledge is power and right now I am becoming an expert on all things Abuse, Narcissism and everything that comes with.
I've waited years for various reasons but then something just snapped inside me earlier this autumn. Joined the Freedom Program online, read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, I've watched countless Youtube videos by Dr Ramani and spent time on NacrSite by H G Tudor.
I will try not to drip feed but I am wary of being identified so won't write my full history in the OP. This is basically my second abusive marriage, if I'd known what I know now I would never have walked into my second marriage so blindly, I was, as they say, 'love bombed'. The first one was textbook abusive but no kids, so I managed to get out and set up a new life for myself. With my second husband I was so eager to erase my first marriage and start again with all the things I grieved not having 'achieved' after my first one failed. Kids, house and a nice family lifestyle.
I ignored the red flags until it was too late. He shouted at DD when she was 10 days old, my heart broke that day and I knew DD and I were on our own, even though I have stayed for another 8 years. Most of the time BH (this is a variation of DH, where the B stands for Bastard, I will refer to him as this from now on) keeps his mask on and is the friendly, supportive, funny and loving husband. Then the mask slips and is replaced with a scowl, ice cold eyes and expression which leads to the sinking feeling in my gut. This is where the 'walking on eggshells' happen. I shrink and desperately try to say the 'right' things to keep the peace. There is shouting at times, he will call me a derogatory name when reprimanding me, he will slam doors, sulk and walk around with a thunder face. There are other things. This is not how I want to live my life.
So, after Christmas, I will ask him to leave. I won't tell him it's because of the abuse, he would only deny this. If he refuses my only option is to either live together but in separate rooms until we can sell the house, or, if he gets abusive, a refuge. DD and I will probably end up in poverty as I can't work due to being DDs carer (she is autistic and only attends school part time - a long story and possibly too outing) so a life of benefits awaits me. So, one last Christmas in our large, warm house with all the home comforts before it all unravels.
DD and I nearly left very briefly this autumn, declared myself homeless at the council (on advice from Womens Aid), had a risk assessment with a refuge. The risk assessment was too low to be considered high risk, so it seemed returning home seemed like the best option at the time, whilst I planned a better, less dramatic way of ending things. BH knows absolutely nothing about this though as it happened during the day when he was out at work.
I think he is seeking out/lining up a replacement for me at work. It might just be a bit of flirting, it might be an EA, it might be a full-on affair. Either way, although it bloody hurts, I am hoping he might go straight to her when I break up with him. What a horrible and surreal situation when you wish your husband away on another woman??
Obviously, name changed for this.