Having issues with my relationship

[Lslm857]

My partner and I have a 9 month old baby, and recently our relationship has felt very strained and like we’re arguing a lot, possibly having more bad days than good.

He is extremely defensive whenever I try to have a serious conversation about something, to the point where I get scared to being things up with him.

He has a much higher sex drive than me. Mine was higher before, but since having a baby and while exclusively breastfeeding it has dropped significantly, and he doesn’t seem to understand at all. He needs sex all the time for us to be in a good place and it’s really draining me. I don’t want to feel pressured to have sex so that we’re in a good place. I don’t completely with hold sex either… I am very up for having sex 3 or 4 times a week maybe, sometimes more, but he would have sex 5 times a day if he could.

I am on maternity leave so I am home with our daughter and he works 5 days a week. He doesn’t like to do any housework at all. I am responsible for every bit of cleaning and laundry. I have to ask for any help I need or ask him to change our daughters nappy or clean her up after dinner or bath her. He’ll do it if I ask usually, but he’ll sit on his phone for 5 minutes first or seem annoyed about it. He does cook a few nights a week which is great. It all just makes me feel as if I have 2 children to look after instead of us being 2 adults taking care of 1 child.

I love him so much and he is amazing with our daughter, but I have just been feeling so down and stressed about this recently and I don’t know how to deal with it.

3 or 4 times a week is a lot when you've got a nine month old! He should count himself lucky.

There's a lot in this post that's concerning. Firstly, you're feeling scared to bring up issues with your partner. That's really not healthy, and signals emotional abuse.

Secondly, it sounds like he considers housework and childcare to be your job, and anything he does to contribute is "helping" you, and he should get a gold medal for it. Further to that, he thinks it's your job to satisfy his high sex drive.

I'm sorry you're going through this, you must be feeling so exhausted. If it were me, I'd be reconsidering my future with this man. I know that's not what you want to hear, but if you're unable to have a conversation about these things, there's no way to resolve them.

He’s not amazing with your dd if he has to be asked to attend to her basic needs.
I would go so far as to say he sounds like a misogynistic sex pest and I would advise you to double down on contraception whilst you decide if you can carry on like this.
I know I couldn’t.
Try to have a calm conversation about how you will split housework and childcare when you’re back at work. And tell him that you refuse to be pressured to have sex and he needs to be more understanding atm.

Thank you both.

I have tried having calm conversations before but he usually just says “we’re not talking about this again”. We’ve obviously had the conversations before, but they obviously haven’t gotten us anywhere so we need to talk about them again.

Its incredibly frustrating.

You won't get anywhere with talking then. Get serious, consider your next steps, how can you make a life without him. This life is clearly awful, as is he.

Urghh, he sounds absolutely awful. Selfish, lazy, inconsiderate and borderline abusive. I couldn't love a man who treated me like this and was only interested in shagging me.

I have tried having calm conversations before but he usually just says “we’re not talking about this again”.

"We're not having sex again until we have resolved our differences on this subject in a calm and adult way" said perfectly calm and then go on folding your laundry. Don't talk if he reacts angry. Tell him: I see that you are frustrated but I want to talk when you are calm, otherwise we will get nowhere.

Thank you! This sounds like a good plan, I’ll try this this evening!