I can't sleep next to my partner anymore

[Greenginghamdress]

My partner and I don't have the best relationship but we have decided to try and make it work for our daughter.

I've been used to once or twice a week sleeping on the sofa as I go to bed later than him ( I do housework, life admin in the later evening and am naturally a night owl) and he snores. Usually I can go back to sleeping next to him fine.

However he recently got back from a holiday with friends and since I just can't settle next to him. He snores and snorts in his sleep and just when I'm settling to sleep he wakes me up with these noises. I'm pretty sensitive to noise and like it to be silent when I am trying to sleep. I have earplugs but can hear him through them. I've slept on the sofa for the last few nights. I don't mind as it is a comfy L shaped sofa, and I sleep ok there. But I would sleep better in a bed! Partner gets annoyed saying I'm not normal for being so bothered by it and should get used to it and it means we don't see each other as much. He would never go on the sofa himself. I've asked and he says why should he.
He sometimes goes away for work or to see friends and I've found myself looking forward to these so I can be away from the snoring.
But if we are trying to give our relationship a go sleeping separately isn't great, is it? Nor for holidays? He is overweight, when he lost weight years ago it improved but I don't think he would do that again.
Has anyone got any tips for me?
Or am I destined for a life of sleeping on the sofa?!

I’d be sleeping in another house. If things aren’t great anyway and he won’t do anything about the snoring, I’d be making plans to leave.

Don't stay in an unhappy relationship for your DD. She will have a better life with a happy mum than a miserable one.

My fiancé snores and although it’s only really bad sometimes (alcohol, allergies) it is always at a low slightly more than deep breathing level and I find it puts me on edge waiting for it to get bad. My solution was noise cancelling ear buds that play relaxing music. I put them in when I can feel myself getting stressed about the noise and tbh it has been a game changer.

Prior to this I often found myself retreating to the sofa and cross with him in the mornings which was doing our relationship and sex life no favours at all!

This. He sounds horrible.

Many people in good relationships sleep separately.

If he were decent he'd offer to use the sofa so you could have the bed.

Why hasn't he done anything to try and stop the snoring?

I'd say you can't sleep because you don't feel connected or close to him. You can't sleep next to a stranger. You got used to him not being there when he was away and now he's back, your subconscious is not letting you relax enough to sleep because a man you don't feel close to is making a loud noise next to you.

"My partner and I don't have the best relationship but we have decided to try and make it work for our daughter".

You have a choice re this man, your DD does not. Do not remain with a selfish man.

Staying for what is really the sake of the child is no reason nor basis for you two to be together now. What is she going to further learn about relationships from you two?. Is this really the role model you want to be showing her?. Sleeping on the sofa will also give you back problems.

There are loads of people on mumsnet that sleep separately, it has been discussed lots of times. We sleep in separate rooms and we both prefer it, me because he snores and him because I wake him up when he snores. I believe I also snore sometimes, but it doesn’t bother him, noises bother people in different ways.

So no I think sleeping separately is good for some relationships. But this one doesn’t sound like it is worth it, there is no point sticking it out for your daughter when you are both unhappy with it.

@Dogtooth Wow, I'd say that is pretty accurate.

@IntrovertedPenguin He said he will try and loose weight but hasn't done so far

I'm not great at sleeping next to people anyway, I've always preferred to be alone, I'm not a 'huggy' sleeper. I don't like other peoples' noise. It was obviously different in the early days of our relationship. I'm aware I sound quite cold, I wish it was easier.

Will try earbud headphones.

Snoring is an absolute killer for me. I never get any decent sleep as I dont know when my other half will start snorting or snoring. I get irritable and very angry as it disturbs my sleep pattern.

He's being incredibly selfish OP. My DH started snoring and it was getting worse and worse. He thought he couldn't be snoring because he thought he wasn't sleeping as he was always tired. I recorded it (with his permission) and realised he was actually also stopping breathing! Realising it was a problem he went to the doctors. He's now diagnosed with sleep aponea and uses a CPAP machine. We both sleep so much better now.

He needs to get help for his snoring or you sleep in seperate beds. You can't run on no sleep, it's literally a form of torture.

You need separate bedrooms! Plenty of people in happy relationships have separate sleeping arrangements because of snoring. If you are lying next to someone wide awake resenting them every night you will never save the relationship. Once you are sleeping well, then you can think more clearly about the relationship and work out whether you want to be in it or not.

I sleep in my own room. My half sister sleeps with one of the kids, my mum used to wait till my dad fell asleep and then tiptoed to one of our rooms. Plenty of people sleep separately. It's simply not his decision. I really don't see the point in staying next to someone when they sleep! They don't know it when they're sleeping anyway.

Oh, and none of us are divorced or separated, might be because we're all a happier and cuddlier bunch when well rested!

He possibly has sleep apnoea, which can be greatly improved (including the snoring/snorting!) by a CPAP machine. He needs a referral via his GP.

But that is is very LEAST of your worries.
He does fuck-all to help his condition, allows YOU to take the sofa-hit for HIS condition, & tries to sell you the bullshit that your reaction & concerns are not normal.
Partner gets annoyed saying I'm not normal for being so bothered by it and should get used to it and it means we don't see each other as much. He would never go on the sofa himself. I've asked and he says why should he.

Why should he? Because the oaf is disrupting your sleep instead of finding a fix for his problem. You have a major problem with how much disrespect your partner is flaunting at you. He obviously believes he is more important than you, that only his opinion counts, & that your feelings do not matter.

In what other areas of your life does he over-rule you, & expect everything his own way?

My ex-H was a snorer and would not do anything about it. I spent years and £££ on many useless attempts to block the sound. I felt guilty about wanting to sleep apart, and embarrassed in case it said something about our relationship. I got tired of feeling angry and disrespected because of his indifference to doing anything about it. When I finally said we must sleep apart it was a gamechanger for me. To have my own space again! To sleep 8 hours a night! Our relationship did end, but it wasn't having a separate room that did it -- that actually kept it going longer because I was no longer angry. I want to have another relationship one day, but I will never share a bedroom again. Looking back, I genuinely do not understand how it is expected that independent women who have slept in their own space share a bed forever once they're married, unless for economic reasons. After all, the very rich have always had separate rooms and visited each other. Sleep is one of the most important things for a happy life and should be protected. I also value my privacy and my space and don't see why a relationship means I must give them up. The marital bed benefits the husband, not the wife, in my view.

I had the same, couldn’t sleep because of his snoring. He said it wasn’t bad and I shouldn’t be so fussy.

Overheard him talking to his chum ref a 3 day cycling tour. ‘Yes I’ll book a separate room, you don’t want to listen to my snoring all night.’

So a mate mustn’t be disturbed by his snoring, but his wife should just put up with it. The thing is we had a spare bed I was happy to go to, but he made such a fuss and made me feel guilty because he SO LOVED sharing a bed.