Is silence really the most powerful response?

[Tolatetotheparty]

I have a real problem expressing anger or disappointment. Think it might arise as a response to my upbringing - my parents were very volatile and there was always so much shouting and conflict in our house, it was horrible.

Fast forward to now, and someone I was seeing hurt me badly. As soon as I found out I immediately blocked him and tried to get on with life. After almost a year I stupidly unblocked and it became apparent that he had been sending me messages for the whole time and was desperate to be friends. I sent him a really nice email being all friendly and forgiving him but saying I couldn't see him yet and that I had met someone new (a lie). I then blocked and have had no further contact.

Trouble is I wish I had given him a proper blasting for the way he behaved. Wish I had told him how much he hurt me. I play the imaginary conversation over and over in my head. I try to convince myself that silence is more powerful (esp as he wanted to continue to have me in his life) but it doesn't feel that way. It feels that I totally let him off the hook because I am such a people pleaser and always have to be so reasonable even if I am crying inside.

Should I now say something or is it too late? There is no chance of us getting back together as he is now married with a child. I guess I just want him to know how much he hurt me. So, what do people think - does absolute radio silence say more than words ever could|?

From the point of view of the receiver, yes I think radio silence is the most powerful and most hurtful response.
But don't put being the most 'powerful' above doing what would be best for you and what would help you move on. If it's expressing how hurt you were, then do it. Who cares what they think or what the effect has on them? If it would have a good effect on you then have at it.
You could always do it in stages, write out what you would want to say and then sit with it for a while to see how sending it feels. You're just doing it for you, to speak the truth and name the experience. There's no timeline.

I'm sorry you got hurt and are having the imaginary conversation in your head, again and again. I've been there.

I wouldn’t want someone to know how much they hurt me. That’s gives them some power in my opinion - and instead you have all the power. Sounds good to me! If someone had hurt me I’d be very satisfied to know they’d been desperately trying to get ahold of me and all they received was radio silence - how frustrating that must have been for them! That’s not the most mature response I know…

I've been here! (I still am to an extent)

I was nodding like a nodding dog, when reading about your 'imaginary conversations' with him.

I've done this a thousand times over the past two years. I share your frustration. For me at the time, I was just so hurt and mad, that every time I tried to explain how he'd hurt me, it would end in us having a huge argument. We couldn't make it past the impasse.

Now I'm out the other side, it frustrates me that I didn't fully convey how hurt I was. Like you, I grew up in a volatile home, I get so worked up in high emotion situations.

I'm in two minds about this; no response is a response. And I have been on the receiving end of this many times through life, and it's always hurt the most.

The most reaction I got out of him back then, was when I refused to engage in a conversation about my MH (he was someone I had leant upon during my lowest points). He looked hurt. Really hurt. I had refused him the access to me, that up to then I had so freely given him.

I have pondered many a time, throwing one more line to him. To explain it once and for all, to apologise for my side, but also make it crystal clear where he fucked up.

But I think the ship sailed for that a longtime ago. My feeling here for you; is that unfortunately I think it has for you too.

BUT as I've outlined above, it's understandable why you feel the way you do. To me, it does sound like you have the 'upper hand'.
I don't know about you, but these 'imaginary conversations' I see as part of the healing process. It's your way of getting what's on the inside, out.

Thank you to those who have responded - ever so helpful to have some 'outside' views especially as it goes round and round in my head with just little old me to try to make sense of it.

I think it’s more powerful; in my experience when you really have a go at someone they get defensive and try to turn it on you and try to write you off as crazy. Whereas complete silence they can’t turn back on you and it gets to them far more.

I think it was Oscar Wilde who first said

"The best revenge is to live well"

Missing the point here but in the space of a year he's got married and had a child? I mean... Fast work and it'll probably end in tears, so in that sense you've already won.

I have spent many years swallowing my true feelings, protesting that "No its fine, honestly, it's all ABSOLUTELY FINE and all forgotten" when in fact I was drowning in my own internal rage and literally poisoning myself, as I was drinking on my resentments.

I have come to learn now that when someone has hurt or upset me, to wait before reacting. If I react rather than respond, it usually goes badly. Either I go into people pleasing "no its fine, no problem, please wipe your feet on me" mode, or snap their heads off in a disproportionate rage. When I pause, reflect, and ask for guidance, then respond honestly, things go much better.

From experience, he knew he hurt you, how could he not? I think you've done the right thing, don't revisit that shit, there's no need to rehash something that caused you pain.

I agree with this.

People always know what they are doing and the inevitable hurt inflicted - either it was intended or they didn’t care.

So don’t provide the opportunity to show them what they achieved either to wallow in it or attempt to minimise it - both interactions will only ever hurt you.

You will never get closure or comfort or emotional relief from someone capable of this behaviour.

Discharge and process your fully appropriate rage elsewhere with someone where it ends up helping you.

Keep away from him - disconnected and detached with distance and dignity.

I once said,silence is my best weapon. This was when my boyfriend of nearly two and a half years called me to say he had fallen in love with someone else. I was bloody shocked but made it far too easy for him. Fast forward a couple months the cheeky arse asked me to send his key back. I did not reply. I have not blocked him . In the unlikely event that he contacts me- he won't- he moved onto.someone with better financial prospects, I simply won't answer. Hope u sort something out.and get some.peace

Thank you everyone. Given me encouragement to continue the silent treatment. I agree that trying to get answers/closure from the source of your pain is not the way to go. I try to stick to it but when l get down l want to let him know how much he hurt me but when my mood lifts l don't care so much and continuing no contact feels right. I like to think my silence bothers him more than words ever could.

If the silence is permanent, then IMO it's much better than saying your piece. You retain your dignity completely and they never get a chance to try and justify their terrible behaviour.

On the other hand, if it's ever a disagreement with someone you do want to have an ongoing relationship with, speaking honestly about how you've been made to feel is better than silence.

I think that it might be helpful to write down those conversations you feel you should have had with him. The home truths you should have told him. Write it like a letter.

Im a wordsmith so I find it helpful to commit thoughts to paper. For me it was empowering. I got the draft done & then when I woke in the night with a better turn of phrase, a better more succinct way of explaining my feelings, I redrafted it. It’s a document on my lap top so it was easy to do.
It’s all in the past now & Im long moved on but just occasionally I re-read it & my goodness it really helps my perspective & helps me to know I did the right thing.

My silence was golden. My equilibrium was restored. My thoughts were distilled & driven from my head. I relaxed. Try it.

I was going to suggest this too. Just make sure the letter is not in a form that you could easily send him in a moment of weakness.
I hope you’re feeling better soon.

Silence is so, so, so powerful

And this from someone who can literally not stop flapping their gums

By blocking him, you sent him a message that you no longer had an interest in him and no further interest in the relationship. He would have known that you were blocking him because you were unhappy with the situation.

Replaying the situation over and over in your head keeps you tied to him and to the past. I would imagine that he knew that you were hurt , but his having that knowledge would not and did not change anything.

You will only truly be free when you are able to focus on the future and let go of the past.

If having the power / wanting to hurt him by sending you message to express all your feelings and the effect he had on you, all you do is hand the power back to him. If he doesn't reply (which is the most likely outcome) to it then you're back where you are now only this time you'll also be regretful and feel rejected, dismissed and hurt all over again.

No good can come of it.

Showing how much he hurt you is basically telling him how much you cared about him. After all this time when he's married with a DC, that would only serve to give him an ego massage, which I doubt you think he deserves.
When you unblock someone, all sent messages don't come flooding in, they remain unsent and irretrievable, strange that it became apparent that he'd contacted during that time, not sure how you'd know that unless it was a claim he made after you unblocked him - but he could say anything at that point to make him look better, and you'd never know the truth of it.

4 weeks ago I discovered my stbxh has been in secret contact with his ex, we had some trouble at the start of our relationship over her as he was struggling to move on (they was together less than a year!) So he knew not to be speaking to her behind my back. Anyways I discovered it, he left and I have said nothing about it. Just grey rocked over the kids, house and business. He knows what he did. I did years and years of the "how could you?!" "I'm so hurt" etc etc.. for the first time my genuine response was silence. I have no desire to fight for the marriage. To show him that he hurt me. Silence really is the best response when you know its over and they more crucially when know what they have done. The best revenge is moving on. Keeping your dignity is paramount and silence does that.

In this instance, silence is golden.

My friend took the opportunity to unblock and send one last message to get him to understand her hurt. He responded- 'fuck off' - and it sent her right back to square one.

Don't give him that power.

Also to add for most people silence is difficult. It shows restraint. No contact hurts most people to do and they have to bite down on the gumshield to do it. The fact that you can be silent and dignified so easily is your superpower.

Remember that silence isn't saying nothing: it can be your loudest voice and clearest message. It's a very clear form of communication, rather than no communication at all.

Work out why it's still bothering you so much, not about how to deal with him. By wondering about whether to open communication with him, you're making it about him. Your life isn't about him in any way. Have a look into why it's hard to let go of emotional hurt and walk away: that's about you.

I suspect you've been silencing the hurting part of you since you were a child, and once she tries to speak it's increasingly hard to keep silencing her. Write down your train of thought. Let it out. Allow yourself a voice (even on paper), allow yourself to acknowledge it, and it will stop repeating itself and move on.

In a relationship I think silence can become abusive. Ignoring someone anyway. But in this situation silence is probably the better outcome.

Thank you to all the contributors here, a really interesting read. I'm about 6 weeks (ok 6 weeks 3 days and 2.5 hours) out of a very intense relationship. And fighting every urge I have to send a message explaining how I feel. I know I mustn't because he treated me badly, it will boost his ego, make me feel worse and potentially open up a dialogue which I don't even want. It is over forever.

This will keep me from messaging for yet another day.

I don't want to get back together so I really just think there's not even any point in saying how I feel. It won't help me. It won't change my sadness. Maybe vent your feelings to someone else OP. I'll be treating myself to a few therapy sessions for xmas.