Getting to know step daughter

[Wiseeyes]

Im not sure if my partners daughter likes me. She’s 13 parents split amicably 5 years and she doesn’t want them to get back together, prefers how her life is now etc. i have been with her mum for 2 years now but I find it hard to bond with her, she’s a typical teen who plays out/sits on her phone etc and doesn’t like sending her time with us (typical 13 year of really)…the most we talk is hello & bye. I try to talk to her but don’t get much conversation back. Her mum, my partner, says that it’ll take time and I need to put the effort in as the adult. how can I get to know her?

i have an 8 year old son, so girls are not my forte help

Forget this a girl, she's a child who needs someone natural to talk to. Yes teenagers are difficult to talk to but effort is needed.

When did you meet her?

I was 13 when my mom remarried. Plus I have a teenage daughters now. So can see it from all sides.
It is obviously a tricky age. No amount of effort can do much at this point.
I think the best strategy is not to push for her ‘liking’ you, or even for ‘getting to know’ her. She is at the age where she is actively distancing herself from parents anyway; figuring out who she is/will be as she is growing up.
I’d be respectful and civil. Treat her as partially a grown up. If you have diners together - I’d show interest in her opinions, life, etc. Just like getting to know a grown up person. People like attention and talking about themselves.
I’d stay away from any judgements and/or parenting decisions.
As she grows up her relationship with you would evolve .

What does she like? Football, Taylor Swift, a KPOP band, a particular TV show? I think that's your way in - even if she sees your attempts to take an interest as a bit try-hard it shows willing and she'll hopefully appreciate that. Do a bit of sneaky googling about whatever she likes and then bring it up in conversation - "Here, Ellie, did you see that Taylor Swift is going on tour?" or whatever. She might not give much back but it'll show you're taking an interest in what she cares about.

Do you do stuff as a three/four? Try and arrange some teen-girl-friendly activities (or something you think she'll like - my 14 year old cousin just wants 'anything that looks cool on socials' so her mum spends a lot of time in trendy doughnut shops haha).

Like you say, though, she sounds like a relatively typical teenager. I think being generally kind and nice to be around will go a long way! There's a fine balance between being overbearing and appearing not to care - show interest and make conversation, but don't take it personally if she doesn't engage much and make light of it ("Sorry, I know you don't want to have to explain how KPOP fan edits work to an old person haha" rather than "God you never even try and have a conversation" etc). And - key, I think, for teenage girls - treat her like a person, take her seriously. Don't take the piss (too much - gentle ribbing might be alright, depending!) about things she cares about - I vividly remember my stepdad mocking my favourite band when I was a teenager thinking he was funny and me feeling mortified in a way that a 15 year old who thinks their tastes are so grown up and correct only can!

Hmm. I think she'll come out of her shell when she's ready. In the meantime don't be too over bearing.

If she's going out just say she can ring for a lift if she needs and walk off. If you nip to the shop grab her something and let her know It's there for her ("there's some cake down here for you" or "here got you this") but don't labour it and try too hard because you'll do her head in.

Show interest in what she's in to, but not too much.

Mostly though, make sure you're making her mum happy and that you create a safe space for them. She'll remember all the little things.