Advice needed. Long thread. TW - abuse/coercive control

[PlateuxDesFruitsDeMer]

I’m in need of advice. I don’t know where to turn and really can’t discuss this with anyone in RL.

Background – I was in a very abusive relationship for 16 years. 5 years ago after suffering a nervous breakdown, I finally managed to get myself sorted enough to call time on my ex. He was finally removed by the police and I have been raising my 2 DC alone ever since.

As far as anyone knows I managed this on my own, found strength after loads of therapy and medication. But really, secretly I had “someone” holding my hand. This someone is married. To a friend. Also much, much older than me. He knew all about the abuse, saw the bruises, knew my ex and the whole situation. He came to me, via text to begin with, and started telling me how beautiful I was, how I didn’t deserve the life I had and he would do anything to help me. He rescued me. But it was a secret and until now no-one knew.

After about a year of being on my own (but having this man in the background messaging me, meeting in secret etc) I decided I had to stop it and told him. He was devastated. He didn’t want to stop. He said he was in love with me, had never felt such love for anyone. I loved him too. Desperately. He saved my life, he seemed to care so much about me and my DC. I felt like I owed him everything. But he didn’t want to leave his wife. And I didn’t want him to because I care for her so much. She is such a good friend and completely innocent. The ramifications on all the families would have been horrific. So I stopped it, even though it absolutely broke me to do so. I was so alone and so hurt.

He was very insistent – he wouldn’t stop messaging me, still checking in and telling me that all I had to do was ask and he’d do anything for me… I kept him at arms length but couldn’t quite block him. I know I should have but I still had to see him with my friend and act like everything was normal. Our DC’s were great friends, we even went on holidays and weekends away together.

When covid arrived I thought this would be the time it would stop. By the summer I joined a dating app and met a lovely man my own age. We got together and things accelerated faster than was probably sensible due to the winter lockdowns and childcare bubbles. We spend all our free time together except when he had his own DC. We were in the most delicious loved up bubble and very happy. I felt safe and secure for the first time. Probably ever.

When all the restrictions were finally lifted in May 21, things changed. DP wanted to see his friends, live his life, play sport etc. etc. He had his DC 50:50 with ExW whereas I have my DC 100% so I would see my friends when he had his children and was always free for him when he wanted me. He started using his childfree time to do other things than see me and I felt very side-lined. If I mentioned it, he was dismissive and said I couldn’t expect things to be the same now lockdown was lifted. I started to feel very insecure and lonely. I was really struggling with life, had a massive mental health wobble and had to start taking antidepressants again when I’d managed a good few months without them. The married man was often in my company – with other friends and his DW – and fully aware that I was seriously wobbly again. He started messaging. Reminding me he loved me and always would, offering a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on. To my shame, I replied. And although this time there was never any meetings or anything sexual, it was an inappropriate relationship. That continued until a month ago when my DP discovered that I had been talking to this man.

DP was so, so angry. I’ve never known such anger and hurt. I feel so bad for what I’ve done to him. I’ve been forced to analyse this horrible situation in the past few weeks in a way I’d never dared to before, I’ve told DP everything and it seems like I went from one abusive controlling relationship into another but even worse because it was secret and such a betrayal to people I love. Now my eyes have been opened I have to accept that this man took advantage of me. I am devastated to have been so stupid. I am a disgustingly weak and just so ashamed that I allowed it to carry on.

DP and I have agreed we want to stay together and move forward, but each day he starts talking about it again. He won’t believe me that I’ve stopped talking to the other man. I have. I’m so upset I don’t think I’ll ever be able to speak to him again.

I’m so desperate to make it better for us both. We are both so sad and he is so angry and hurt. He says it’s a huge betrayal and I am not the person he thought I was. He thought I was strong. I am afraid I was only strong because I had someone in my corner. How do I mend this? How do I mend me? I don’t want to be a weak woman that needs a man to build me up and give me strength. I need it to come from within.

If you need it to come from within, why are you putting yourself through all this relationship stuff? Why don't you walk away and say you need to be single for a while to get your inner strength back? Once you're on your own you can stop torturing yourself.

Or you could stop doing it anyway, but that'll be harder given that you're in a relationship with a man who's trying to pull you down.

I felt I needed a relationship to make the older man realise I was serious about stopping things with him. To begin with it was so good. I feel like it can be good again now there are no secrets between us. But my DP doesn't seem to be able to stop tearing the wound open every day.

But you didn’t cheat on him did you? What did the messages say?

Being weak is not the same as having poor morals so you shouldn’t confuse the two

however from what you have said you seem to have had such a hard time

do you want to stay with your dp? Is he right for you? You said he seemed to lose interest in you

OK. If you need and want your strength to come from within, why would you stay with a partner who rips wounds open every day? Why do you think that will help you to develop your own inner strength?

I don't know how exactly but I think you need to get away from both men & find strength on your own. I don't think the married man was taking advantage of you; I think your current partner has put that idea in your head.

I have to second what others have wrote. You need to be kinder to yourself and put yourself and your children first. The situation you are in will not help you. Life is hard enough without a DP putting you down.
It may be time to be single and become you again, in time your confidence and self esteem will return.

Your current relationship sounds far more abusive than the one in the middle that actually helped you escape the first abuser.

Time to be single op. Properly single.

You don't keep one shit relationship just to fend off other men.

You say 'it's over. Stay away from me or I'll report you for harassment'. And then you distance yourself perminantly from him and his partner so that they aren't in your social circle anymore.

I don't know if your current partner is abusive or just still reeling from finding out about your relationship with the other guy. But either way, it sounds like its time to call it a day with him too.
At least for now.

You cannot mend you by using a man, you know this. So irs sounds like you know you need to take some time single.

Firstly op, you did this on your own. That older man didn’t save you, he took advantage of you.

Your new man needs to love you for who you are and needs to forgive the emotional affair you’ve just had with the older man.

It has only been a month so it is still early days and he is hurt and doesn’t know if he can trust you. Also because you had an affair with the husband of your friend. I’m not sure i would be able to forgive that. Someone who would have an affair with a friend’s husband, spending time together as families and then be sleeping with her husband? Vulnerable or not, this is also on you.

So take ownership of your actions and emotions. Realise and own up to the despicability of your actions because otherwise I’m not sure your boyfriend will forgive you.

This and I agree with everything that @Musti has said.
The older man took advantage of you when you were at your most vulnerable and had probably fancied you for some time. No doubt he was very supportive, but despite his proclamations of love and continued support, I have to wonder how supportive he would be if his poor wife ( who he doesn't want to leave) found out that her husband and friend had been sleeping together.
Sustained abuse damages self esteem and one's sense of reality. My advice would be to learn to value yourself and your friends a little more. A healthy sense of your own identity, knowing that you can recover and stand on your own two feet is the best base for a healthy relationship in the future.