Mental load list

[HotMessMama]

I’m trying to put together a comprehensive list of the mental (or mum) load and all responsibilities we women usually (I know not all men) take care of.

I ended my 9 and a half year relationship last week over this. I have 2 DC, aged 6 and 2, and have just gotten to the end of my patience also dealing with a manchild.

So far I have:

Cleaning

washing up

clean kitchen after dinner.

dust/wipe surfaces.

sweep, mop, vacuum.

sinks, toilets, bathroom.

all laundry

windows.

bins, recycling
fridge, oven etc
changing beds
sofa, cushions, throws
garden toys and furniture

Food/Cooking
all shopping
all cooking
meal planning
cupboard/freezer audit
rotating dates

Clothes/Shoes

all laundry

putting away.

checking for wear and tear.

replacing/buying next size up.

rotating for different seasons/ensuring DC have sun hat, sandals, winter hats, gloves etc.

School

being the point of contact, the ‘go to’ parent
Dates, teacher training, break ups, returns
Events, world book day, sports day, trips etc
providing costumes when needed
ordering hot lunches
making packed lunches
DC friends, birthdays, parties, play dates
knowing what is needed for what day, PE kit, reading books etc

Kids
maintaining books/toys, checking for damage
birthdays, buying all gifts, planning parties, arranging all celebrations.
Christmas, all gifts, visiting Santa etc, all planning and organising.
all doc, dentist etc appointments
other seasonal events, Easter, school summer hols, Halloween etc all activities planned and organised by me.

Other
knowing when all bills are paid, direct debits coming out etc
Holidays
maintaining interior of home, decorating, dealing with repairs.
seasonal decorating, Halloween decs, Xmas tree etc

Is there anything I’ve missed?

exDP did everything to do with the car (I do not drive) and mowed the grass (when repeatedly asked)

Hi OP,

I have kids similar age and also do all the things you have listed.

Can't think of anything you missed, but seeing it like this almost minimises it in my mind.

Like "all laundry". It's such a time consuming never ending job for me in my house!

It's exhausting. Do you work as well?

Renewals on insurance (car/house/boiler etc)
Finding best prices on utilities

I feel you!

SAHM here so feel these are all part and parcel of me staying at home. Add in 4/5 mile a day dog walk with baby in the carrier, breastfeeding, all school runs/after school clubs, husbands packed lunch, doing husbands invoices and expenses, family finances, forever loading/unloading dishwasher and the only person who knows how to use the washing machine.

Sometimes feel quite unappreciated but equally so, feel incredibly grateful to get this precious time with our DDs. The best gift my husband has ever given me is working hard to allow me to become a SAHM. Sounds mad but I wouldn't swap it for anything in the world.

All the educational stuff - shortlisting schools, booking open days, looking around and asking questions, doing application, finding out and buying uniform and school shoes and random house coloured tops etc. Not to mention homework support, including finding craft supplies and dealing with tantrums over maths homework and making the school-mandated app work on your tech, and contributing to the PTA or at least turning up to events (having bought the tickets and put it in the diary and avoided clashes) and providing jars for the tombola or helping tidy up, maybe going on school trips to make up the ratios…

A lot of that isn't mental load, it's physical work.
None the less, it all comes under the general umbrella of housework and childcare and it's not unusual for the person NOT doing those things to have any idea just how time consuming (physically and mentally) they are.

Are we teaching our children?
I've just asked DS2, aged 13 (who was commenting on how early Xmas starts) where he thought his advent calendar came from. Of course he knows, but he's just taken it for granted (which is of course as it should be for little kids but not teenagers), or how he thinks the kitchen the kitchen became lovely and clean and tidy for him when he come down in the morning to make his breakfast.

My older son took care of things while I was away for work a couple of months ago. Ran the house and made sure DS2 was OK. He did a bit of studying, but nothing like a full time job. "Mum, it's hard work" he said.
Nothing will change unless we teach our kids - not just be a martyr to it all (which I'm not saying is your position, OP).

Cleaning the fridge out
Wiping the skirting boards and doors down
Cleaning kitchen cupboards out
Cleaning mirrors/shower screen
Pulling furniture out to hoover
Taking all the cushions off the sofa and hoovering underneath/wash cushion covers
Clean blinds
Wash curtains
Rotating food in date order in the cupboard
Cleaning under beds
Keeping up with toiletries