Married a wonderful man 8 years ago. Kind, soft, strong, helpful. He'd come from a traumatic background as had I and we instantly bonded which I now know is trauma bonding. There were issues in our marriage that were a result of his past catching up with him and I did my best to tackle things at source to move us on. However, our marriage died the day we had our first DC. He struggled coming to terms with the fact that he was a dad himself and responsible for this little person he'd helped bring into this world. He'd had (has) an emotionally detached and abusive father who took (takes) very little interest in him. He admitted he didn't know what to do with our DC or how to bond with them. We found a way forward in the dark and welcomed DC2 into this dynamic. My MH took a tumble and I experienced severe PND. It was then that he completely checked out and the arguments started and I didn't have the energy like before to fix things. He left me in my vulnerable state to manage things while he'd make himself busy outside the house. We tried to repair the relationship when we realised how badly things had deteriorated but weren't able to. Cue arguments, him walking out, later moving out and then coming back and all the confusion and the distress that caused. I lost respect for him massively and he said he didn’t love me anymore because I’d made him feel emasculated. He said my standards were too high and he didn’t have it in him to meet those. My argument was that I needed him to be present (not on his phone all the time), to help me carry the mental load and be kind to the DC (he constantly shouted and belittled them) and lose the negativity he tried to pass onto us (he was a sponge of despair). He said he didn’t know how to change or be the person I needed him to be.
Anyway, things came to a head yesterday and he divorced me. Just like that. I knew it was coming and we’d spoken about it too but the fact that it was so instantaneous and effective immediately has knocked the wind from my sails. I feel so lost and lonely and so very, very scared.
I’ve felt extreme anger, resentment and bitterness towards him for a long time but now I feel so sorry for him and for myself. I feel so bad that we’ve become a statistic and our children will be raised by divorced parents.
We’re now officially strangers to one another (according to the religion) and can’t be in the same room together and need to exercise the same restraints in each other’s company as we’d need to do with strangers and I’m finding this really hard to come to terms with.
Has anyone gone through this and lived to tell the tale? I’m hurting so much right now. I genuinely loved him and held onto hope that once the children were older and we were free of the stresses and strains of early mornings, nursery fee pressures and the demanding early years, we’d find a way forward. That we’d survive. I went to sleep last night with frightened DC who were asking what life meant for them now that daddy had gone and it killed me trying to explain that daddy had told God that he didn’t want to be my husband anymore and that that meant we couldn’t live in the same house any longer because I was no longer his wife. They asked if daddy would now get a new wife and I said I didn’t know. How can things end in an instant like this?
We’ve got to sort our assets out and come to an agreement one way or another. I’m hoping he does right by the DC and doesn’t become a defensive, blame-laying bully as he has been in the past but I’m not holding my breath. Anything is possible. We’d come to an hypothetical agreement previously about what we’d do if we divorced and I’m hoping he sticks by that.
I’ve shared the news of our divorce with my friends but haven’t got it in me to tell my family right now. I feel like I’ve failed. I feel like I’d be the laughing stock. Most of them will gaslight me and tell me it’s all my fault and that he was wonderful and he was but just not to me when it mattered most and when I needed him the most. His family will welcome him back with open arms because he’ll now be their cash cow. He himself has spoken about ‘moving on’ when we were still married but separated (while living in the same house) and the thought kills me.
Am I going to survive this? I’m known as the strong one but I feel defeated. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. I think a piece of me died yesterday when he uttered those words.