Pressure from parents

[SeenAndNot]

I’m trying to unpack a very messy relationship with my mother. I’m a grown woman with 3 younger kids, working 3 jobs to stay afloat. Devoted but shy DH, we are doing our best to be good parents and raise our kids in a healthy loving environment.

I suffered years of name calling and very hurtful controlling behaviour from my mother. She can be very volatile fine to be around then suddenly flips out big time, I’ve always been the brunt of the vitriol whereas my older sibling could never and still can never do wrong. She admitted to a lot of hurt and I’ve tried to keep the relationship going for the sake of the kids, but there have been some really nasty outbursts in the last year and some nasty things said about my kids and DH that have made me back off (in particular that all mother daughter relationships are strained and that I’ll have problems with that I’m the future - like she’s trying to create a problem just so she’s justified in how badly she’s treated me).

I’m now getting a lot of wailing that they never get to see DC or us, and she’s been going around telling people I’ll stick her in a home. The last one has been a recurring theme for the last two decades, and I’m tied in knots over it. The expectation is clear that I’ll provide all care for her if she needs it - but I’ll be a long way from retirement age at the age she would likely need it.

I’m really struggling how to navigate this, if I pull away more it’s quite clear I won’t get to see my siblings or wider family more, and the kids would massively miss the grandparents. But I can’t take the guilt tripping and constant undermining.

Do what is healthiest for you. This may very likely be going very low contact or even NC. You absolutely do not have to provide care for her, even if she had been a wonderful mother. Let her golden boy sort out her care issues when it is time. Perhaps instead of actively going NC, reframe it as giving yourself a good break where you do not communicate or see her, even at Christmas. See it as a detox. Remember this has been caused by her. Prioritise your DC and your DH over this nasty person.

OP - You suffered from years of name calling and in the last year she’s said nasty things about your kids and DH - these people never change.

Does she live close and what relationship do you have with siblings- could you nurture those links… do they see the dynamics?

There is zero obligation to provide care for another adult - you would hand her over to social services if that time comes but how draining listening to all this! If she starts guilt tripping can you change the subject or leave?

We’ve had to do this with MIL - one time- after months of NC due to her crappy behaviour she invited us to Sunday lunch. She then launched a full on verbal attack on me in front of the kids. DH stood up and said right mum, thanks for lunch but we’re leaving. We had to peel her off the car to get the door open as she’d draped herself over it to prevent us leaving 😂 😬

Protect yourself and your little family and focus on people who make you feel good, if it’s not family then other parents at school, sports groups etc.

Just because you reduce or stop contact with your M, doesn't mean you need to see less of other family members if you don't want to.

You'd simply have to either invite them to yours, and be prepared to turn your M away at the door if she tries to 'gatecrash', or you go to theirs, but with a clear message that if your M turns up, you'd immediately leave.

You need to decide what it is you want, and what you will do to get it.

There is absolutely no way that you should even entertain the idea that you would ever be providing care for her ! And you should make that very clear.