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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Broken and dangerously close to messaging help

16 replies

giffyp · 13/11/2022 20:02

My partner of 3 years out of the blue 3 weeks ago told me he couldn’t carry on with us as although he loved me to pieces so he said, he felt like he couldn’t keep everyone happy…… going between me and his grown sons and unable to commit to me, I’m really struggling that he could just switch off like that and not care! He hasn’t blocked me on WhatsApp and I’m trying so hard to not message as I know he will be expecting that and it puts him back in control as he was quietly controlling…… help me stay strong…. What did you all do to help move forward? X

OP posts:
anon12345anon · 13/11/2022 20:09

Can you just delete his number off your phone completely?Flowers

Babasghost · 13/11/2022 20:13

Delete his number, put something fun on the stereo or tv. Hide your phone. Call a friend. Go on a dating app and see if anyone catches your eye for a while.

You can do it.

fingcntbags · 13/11/2022 20:13

I'm sorry you're going through this. Why did his grown up sons make it impossible for him to commit to you?

Bulllieseverywhere · 13/11/2022 20:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
giffyp · 13/11/2022 20:24

He felt he was going between me and them trying to keep everyone happy we never seemed to be able to merge together, I was going through a difficult patch and needed him around more.

OP posts:
minticecreamisjustok · 13/11/2022 20:26

Don't message, delete his number.
Don't believe he does still love you or he wouldn't be breaking up with you and unable to commit or whatever excuse.

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 13/11/2022 20:28

If he wanted to be with you he would have no matter how difficult. Do not message. Keep your dignity. Delete number and busy yourself with something else. It will get bette with time

Toomanysleepycats · 13/11/2022 20:36

Write down every single shitty thing he has done. All the times his actions didn’t match his words. All your hurt feelings and the times he let you down.

Then keep reading it.

BeggarsMeddle · 13/11/2022 20:58

All the above, with bells on. This may even be a controlling move on his part - as in testing you, even though he has ended it. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of a single message from you.

MsDogLady · 13/11/2022 21:40

Giffy, please don’t message him.

You’ve written previously about his abuse of alcohol. When intoxicated he becomes argumentative and says horrible things about you, your children, and your parents. You’ve also been disappointed that he wouldn’t agree to cohabit, and you feel insecure that you’ll never be the priority that his children are.

I’m sorry that you’re suffering, but this abusive, stagnant relationship has caused you great turmoil for quite a while. Consider IC for support to help you move through the grieving process and strengthen your self-esteem. Flowers

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 13/11/2022 21:59

Agree with everyone else, find a way to stop yourself from messaging him. It won’t make you feel any better.

I’ve been in your position and the only thing that stopped me reaching out was reminding myself that he was very self- centred and always got what he wanted. If he wanted me he would have made sure he had me.

The fact that he was willing to let me go and to take the chance that someone else might snap me up, (even if he had an inkling that we might get back together in the future) then he clearly didn’t love me as much as I loved him.

If he wanted you he would make sure he had you. He’s been reckless and careless with your feelings here. That’s not someone you can rely on.

Whatever love and affection you have for him, give it to yourself. You deserve it and he doesn’t.

chevvyroo · 13/11/2022 23:03

He thinks you will message him.
Show him you won't. Enjoy that.

oobeedoobee · 14/11/2022 07:15

OP, think of him like a mouth ulcer.

When you get one, you repeatedly touch it 'to see if it still hurts'.

If you get in touch with him, it will still hurt !

As PP's have recommended, delete his number from your phone.

Deliberately fill your time with other stuff.

You really don't want this horrible 'man' back in your life !

Original poster
giffyp · 14/11/2022 08:04

Thanks everyone it really helps to keep reading your replies, I don’t understand how when I know what a horrible person he truly is I still feel like I love him and miss him, it’s such an intense feeling! Xx

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 14/11/2022 11:30

I'm thinking you have this somewhere in your childhood... a parent who didn't respect your feelings? Or your parents didn't respect each other's feelings? Usually we have been conditioned into feeling that we have to keep a relationship together even when it's unhealthy, and that's why we have adult relationships that we can logically see aren't good for us, but emotionally we're trained to keep holding on.

It helped me to recognise that the things I wanted to do would be the things I could look back on from the future and feel they'd got me somewhere my journey. What's your goal? Emotional independence from him? And if you message him, will you look back, tonight, and be glad you did? Next week?

Also, have a think about what it is you want to get out of messaging him. Are you hoping he'll say sorry? Come back to you? Hold you? Tell you he was wrong? Have a think about your motivation. Then you can have a look at what it is you need, and look into providing it for yourself. This is the key: you don't do without what he was providing for you (emotionally, psychologically, physically), you learn to provide it for yourself.

Original poster
giffyp · 15/11/2022 06:26

Watchkeys · 14/11/2022 11:30

I'm thinking you have this somewhere in your childhood... a parent who didn't respect your feelings? Or your parents didn't respect each other's feelings? Usually we have been conditioned into feeling that we have to keep a relationship together even when it's unhealthy, and that's why we have adult relationships that we can logically see aren't good for us, but emotionally we're trained to keep holding on.

It helped me to recognise that the things I wanted to do would be the things I could look back on from the future and feel they'd got me somewhere my journey. What's your goal? Emotional independence from him? And if you message him, will you look back, tonight, and be glad you did? Next week?

Also, have a think about what it is you want to get out of messaging him. Are you hoping he'll say sorry? Come back to you? Hold you? Tell you he was wrong? Have a think about your motivation. Then you can have a look at what it is you need, and look into providing it for yourself. This is the key: you don't do without what he was providing for you (emotionally, psychologically, physically), you learn to provide it for yourself.

You have guessed right I was brought up by parents who had no respect for each other and definitely not for me.
I think what you say is right as I previously stayed in an unhappy abusive marriage for 22yrs , so clearly I have some work to do on myself now. Thank you for your advice it has really helped me see more clearly. X

OP posts:
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