When is the right time to end my marriage?

[Wildgoose84]

the title speaks for itself… together for 12 years, married for 4 and a 3 year old. I work full time while he is the sahp. My life consists of working and looking after the wee one. I have no issue with that, it’s what I signed up for but the total lack of anything in the way of a relationship is becoming tiring. When he is “off duty” he is in the pub. I think I’m so caught up in the pace of my life I have totally missed that there is zero of anything between us. No affection, no joy and no sex… for almost 4 years! I’ve tried talking, crying, shouting, ignoring the fact of the matter but nothing changes. He takes me for granted and is happy to have the life of a man without responsibility when I am around. He is a great dad but an utterly shit husband. Probably the most selfish human I know. I know what I need to do but can see no future for us and the likelihood of a second baby is looking distinctly impossible. I just feel utterly shit at the thought of my boy having to split his time between us. Im lonely and he couldn’t give a toss! Aaaggghhhhh. I know these threads are dull as dishwater and we all read them and think ltb! He isn’t a b, he is just utterly devoid of any emotion towards me. I probably need to face up to the fact that he just isn’t into me anymore! But frustratingly he doesn’t even have the balls to face up to that and just say it out loud so we can just move on.

You only have to give your own self permission to leave him. He probably wants you to end this marriage so then he can go around whining, " oh she left me". How can you be helped into leaving your H?. Do not remain with such a man for the supposed sake of your son.

Why did you write that he is a great dad?. Examine your reasoning a lot more behind that. Many "Disney Dads" are not great at all and are supremely selfish, just like your H infact.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they have nothing else positive to write about their man. Do you really think that such a man would be all that bothered about seeing his child on a consistent basis given that he is spending his "off duty" time in the pub?. It is unlikely.

If you can summon the strength then get out asap.

You can separate and be happy. Your son can be happy too.

There are so many 'great dads' on here!
If he's that great then brilliant, you know he'll be easy to divorce and step up and Co parent well with you.
Your marriage itself sounds completely dead, it doesn't sound like it can be revived either.

There is no “right time” but I’d hang on until your child is in school, purely because he’s the SAHP so would probably be seen as the primary carer with everything that goes along with that in a split.

Unless you can get him back to work asap.

This is an excellent point

Would you put little one in nursery and get him working ? I felt better when working, than a SAHM, and if not at least you won’t have to keep him !

he is a good dad. When he is with our son he is everything you’d want a dad to be, I have zero issue with his parenting. He just checks out when I’m home, so I have two full time jobs when he has one. The boy is in nursery 2 days but I had not even considered the primary carer thing. Great point! I’m definitely going the right direction in terms of getting ready to do it. I’m pretty sure we are as miserable as each other. But he would enjoy the “she left me, what a Bi**h! I’m sure we can co parent well.. though I pretty sure he would punish me a bit for splitting up!

So why doesn’t he work ?

I wouldn't divorce anybody who had full-time care of the children. He could easily kick you out. Getting back to work and then sort things out

I agree Id get him going back to work and putting your ds in nursery before I made any decisions. A loveless marriage devoid of affection is soul-destroying.

does he maybe resent being a sahp? Is this part of the problem?

Christ, I really had not considered the whole primary carer and the leverage that might give him! He doesn’t work as he is self employed, he could out earn me if the contracts were there but my job is salaried and much more stable. We decided pretty early on that we wanted one of us to be with our little.
maybe he is resentful of his life, but the total lack of team work and doing stuff as a partnership is painful. He would never tell me if that was the case. We are broken..I’ve had the argument internally so many times. Do I put my needs over that of my son? But I’m just not prepared to have this kind of life forever!

Sounds tricky, if he the primary carer he could claim the larger portion of the assets in any divorce based on need and a slice of your pension & maybe even CMS payments

Is it worth considering counselling or completely passed the point of repair?

Bigger picture, was there a plan for him to go back to work once your son started school or to remain at home as SAHP? When you think about what a split would look like, would that be 50/50 access?

I think its worth getting some legal advice, considering if counselling is worth it and thinking about what a split ideally looks like for you

Exactly this. You need to get out and move on because life is too short to be miserable - but plan things carefully op. If he is deemed primary carer you could find yourself in a world of financial pain (not to mention emotional) that you haven’t yet thought about. So start thinking and seek advice - forewarned is forearmed.

Recently divorced here, so some practical points.

For starters - don’t worry, but do get legal counsel pronto.

Yours is a short marriage. I am guessing he has only stopped working recently - as your child is small. So - his ‘primary carer’ position won’t be something that will be an issue.
Court will tell him to get back to working, as he has a good earning potential. Unless he isn’t able to work and you make huge amount - court won’t support one of the parents staying at home. But do confirm it with a lawyer and maybe there is a need to strategise a bit - say increase nursery hours.
Assets are generally split evenly. If one of you brought in more - it may be possible to argue it’s a short marriage, depending on what your life/relationship was like prior to marriage.

Generally - divorce is easier on the kids when they are smaller, as they won’t remember it. If you are this unhappy - don’t wait too long. Your son will soon start understanding what is going on and observing a very unhappy relationship pattern.

Definitely consult a solicitor as PP's have recommended.

Also, change things at home. i.e Stop just accepting that your home time is his free time ! It's NOT !

Plan your own social activities for an equal number of evenings and weekends, so that YOU get equal 'free time' !

He won't be happy about it, but tough shit !

You may find that not only is life at home more bearable when you actually get to have some time for friends/hobbies/social life because you're not so 'lonely', but you may also find it much easier if/when you split too, because you actually already have a social life/hobbies when he has DC !

Refuse to play his game anymore. You are not the default parent whenever you are at home ! Plan things for after work etc so that you're not home until after you've met friends for a meal/coffee or finished your hobby etc (Don't ask him, tell him you've got plans, so he can't go out !)

thanks for the practical pointers, super helpful! I’ll not lie, I’m pretty disappointed in myself.. everything has said things that make so much sense and obvious but I just can’t see them! What a lovely bunch! Thanks. Xx

I'd get him out looking for a job even if you end up paying for childcare. You need to change the dynamics of the relationship so it is fairer. It sounds like he likes being the sahp but then wants to act like a single fella once you are home and he goes 'off on leave!' for want of a better way to put it.
If things don't change you'll struggle to decide if the relationship is salvaging because neither of you will have attempted to work at it.