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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

(Possible trigger warning)Lost everything due to my mental health.

10 replies

Iletitdestroyus · 13/11/2022 16:30

Did they even love me? That question keeps repeating in my head. We had a strong connection in the beginning but for a long time I've been left feeling unwanted, very lonely and very misunderstood. Granted these feelings could easily be caused by own mental health but still feel like a distance has grown between us that could never be fixed by me alone. Saying I didn't have a great childhood would be an understatement but really don't want to go into detail, it has left me acting a little needy sometimes and also I struggle to believe that I can be loved at all.. so I've spent the last forty odd years looking out for every shred of evidence that proves I am not loved, every action or inaction that proves I truly am alone. I know this is not healthy but so many things say that they can not be bothered with me or the relationship. Spending so much time asleep even when it means I have to take care of the kids(my step kids). If awake and not at work they have a screen glued to their face and become unresponsive even to the kids, they spend so much time repeating themselves it hurts to hear it. Literally no time for physical contact unless they are clearly feeling horny, I've been on the verge of sleep so many times and felt like I had to stay awake to enjoy that rare bit of affection. Very little of this went unsaid though, have tried airing my thoughts and fears so many times, mostly just met with a blank face that suggests they can not be bothered dealing with these issues at all. Over a period of time these problems have become far too difficult to bare and I have become very emotional, having outbursts and stressing over every action or inaction that might prove my worst fear, that it is already over. My emotions have ended with me being branded as abusive, I dont want to hurt anybody not physically or emotionally, don't want to control what anybody does even though I do demand a little more effort. This has all led to me having a mental breakdown, maybe not a major one but it has been a tough few weeks and all the while my emotional outbursts have been a whole lot worse. I can fully understand that none of my behaviour would be easy to deal with but my mental illness was known about long before we got into a relationship but to treat me like a monster without ever trying to help has left me thinking over and over, did they ever love me? They kicked me out so I'm homeless now, no money and no idea what to do, thoughts of self harm are taking over my mind. Not once have they asked if I'm ok, if I'm safe. Only received a handful of words over two messages, none if which asking if I'm ok. Am I being an idiot for still loving them and desperately wanting to go back?

OP posts:
category12 · 13/11/2022 16:42

It sounds like your ex wasn't emotionally available to you and shut you out, so had their own part in your relationship failing.

It's difficult to know what came first but if you need more emotionally than they could offer, it was never going to work. It may be that you unconsciously were attracted to them because of past trauma, of things you recognised in them.

You might find in time that splitting up is the best thing for you.It's hard right now, but the future will hold good things for you.

Are you having any therapy or counselling for your past trauma? You might need to do that work before you consider another relationship.

fjäl · 13/11/2022 16:45

My emotions have ended with me being branded as abusive

No. Your actions have. There is no excuse to abuse your partner.

Did you post about this last week as well?

Iletitdestroyus · 13/11/2022 16:52

I have never posted before today. I think we need to remember abuse comes in many forms but thankyou for your comment.

OP posts:
Quag2286 · 13/11/2022 16:56

Have you tried to help yourself op? Have you done counselling, seen your Gp?

If your behaviours that they find unacceptable are deeply routed going back to childhood then I don't think it's for your ex to help you fix yourself. Only you can do that.

What did your ex feel was abusive behaviour from you?

Haffiana · 13/11/2022 17:10

I can fully understand that none of my behaviour would be easy to deal with but my mental illness was known about long before we got into a relationship but to treat me like a monster without ever trying to help has left me thinking over and over, did they ever love me?

What have YOU done to address your mental health problems and the abusive behaviour that it causes? You also knew about your mental illness before you got into this relationship.

It is never, ever OK to dump your mental health problems onto a partner to fix for you, to force them to have to behave in a way to accommodate your irrational behaviour. They are your partner, not your doctor or therapist.

category12 · 13/11/2022 17:10

Practically, have you got somewhere to go tonight? How come you have no money?

Were you married? Do you have any rights over where you were living?

fjäl · 13/11/2022 17:11

Iletitdestroyus · 13/11/2022 16:52

I have never posted before today. I think we need to remember abuse comes in many forms but thankyou for your comment.

Having been on the recovering end of it as a child and an adult, I'm well aware of the many forms of abuse thank you. It's still not acceptable.

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 13/11/2022 17:32

Have you looked at the possibility you may be suffering from something like Borderline Personality Disorder, op? No judgement, I have it and a lot of what you describe feeling sounds very similar to my own experiences.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/11/2022 17:45

Were these outbursts in front of their children? Are they accusing you of abusing and being a monster to the children?

Given your own difficult childhood you must be able to appreciate someone trying to protect their children from someone who’s unstable, emotionally dysregulated and then has a break down. It sounds like that’s what they did, whatever your obvious struggles their children and their safety and the peace and harmony in throw home have to come above supporting a girlfriend/boyfriend, whichever you were.

Johnnysgirl · 13/11/2022 17:49

He is totally right to protect his kids from whatever's going on here.

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