Did they even love me? That question keeps repeating in my head. We had a strong connection in the beginning but for a long time I've been left feeling unwanted, very lonely and very misunderstood. Granted these feelings could easily be caused by own mental health but still feel like a distance has grown between us that could never be fixed by me alone. Saying I didn't have a great childhood would be an understatement but really don't want to go into detail, it has left me acting a little needy sometimes and also I struggle to believe that I can be loved at all.. so I've spent the last forty odd years looking out for every shred of evidence that proves I am not loved, every action or inaction that proves I truly am alone. I know this is not healthy but so many things say that they can not be bothered with me or the relationship. Spending so much time asleep even when it means I have to take care of the kids(my step kids). If awake and not at work they have a screen glued to their face and become unresponsive even to the kids, they spend so much time repeating themselves it hurts to hear it. Literally no time for physical contact unless they are clearly feeling horny, I've been on the verge of sleep so many times and felt like I had to stay awake to enjoy that rare bit of affection. Very little of this went unsaid though, have tried airing my thoughts and fears so many times, mostly just met with a blank face that suggests they can not be bothered dealing with these issues at all. Over a period of time these problems have become far too difficult to bare and I have become very emotional, having outbursts and stressing over every action or inaction that might prove my worst fear, that it is already over. My emotions have ended with me being branded as abusive, I dont want to hurt anybody not physically or emotionally, don't want to control what anybody does even though I do demand a little more effort. This has all led to me having a mental breakdown, maybe not a major one but it has been a tough few weeks and all the while my emotional outbursts have been a whole lot worse. I can fully understand that none of my behaviour would be easy to deal with but my mental illness was known about long before we got into a relationship but to treat me like a monster without ever trying to help has left me thinking over and over, did they ever love me? They kicked me out so I'm homeless now, no money and no idea what to do, thoughts of self harm are taking over my mind. Not once have they asked if I'm ok, if I'm safe. Only received a handful of words over two messages, none if which asking if I'm ok. Am I being an idiot for still loving them and desperately wanting to go back?