Making peace with your abuser, is it possible?

[Cookiemonster83]

I’ve been away from my ex now for a few years, in another relationship and currently 41 weeks pregnant (bloody baby doesn’t want to come out) anyway….me and ex share a 6 year old. Went through court for a number of years and he had not contact for 3.

They have started contact and all going well so far. Mainly because he has another relationship and a little baby so he is really behaving himself it appears. I will never like him, he was really abusive to me and made me unwell which I will unfortunately have to manage for the rest of my life. For the sake of an easier life I wonder if I should just forgive and move on and just get on with him? It’s not my business anymore to try and figure out if he has changed.

I hate the idea of having to get on with a man that did such bad things to me and is now living like nothing ever happened but fighting against him seems so worthless now. Our daughter loves the man that abused her mum. I will never spoil that love and tell her the truth (unless it all changes and he starts again). He has mainly only been abusive to his partners.

Is it ok to be decent to someone who was so bad to you?

Dear OP. What a hard situation.

firstly, I keep banging on about this book because it’s currently helping ME leave a relationship with a lot of EA, but Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft was SO enlightening and the chapter on how abusers affect kids was helpful in making my decision. Children often love their abusive dads and are very much bonded to them because they fear their moods and want to try to “make daddy feel better”. So he doesn’t have to be verbally or physically abusive to your daughter for her to be affected by it. I’m sorry to say that because it’s so awful and a hard situation for you, but I would say that you can choose to adopt a friendly attitude but never forget this man is abusive, and make it clear to your daughter that if she feels upset or has a question you are all ears — and I don’t just mean be neutral about daddy but say things like “no one is allowed to be mean to you so tell me. Even daddy. Daddy was sometimes mean to mummy. If he is mean to you, don’t say anything to him but come and tell mummy and she will take care of it okay? It’s not your job to make daddy not mean. Mummy can take care of it.”

I mean even that line puts the onus on you, but sadly that’s the reality. Be very careful. I’d let him be a fair weather dad, meaning leave her with him only for short periods of “fun!”, don’t rely on him for childcare or work him into your life in any big way. He may disappear again, and it will be best for your daughter that he’s not a cornerstone of her life. I’d even try a narrative of “some families have mummies and daddies, some have mummies, and some daddies help mummies make babies but then don’t live with us and aren’t a part of our family” kind of thing. Build a story in her mind that she doesn’t NEED her dad and that YOU are her pillar of strength/port in a storm. Her dad is like a “fun friend” that we “absolutely do not rely on”.

As for your question about you forgiving … I think you acting annoyed or negatively towards him in front of your daughter will make her side with him so yes play nice but always know the knowledge you have.

Is it ok to be decent to someone who was so bad to you

What rules are we meant to be referring to to answer this? Who is supposed to be in charge of what you feel and do? We have nothing concrete to guide us, as adults, except laws.

You don't have to forgive him. Why should you?

That doesn't stop you being pleasant in your discourse with him for the sake of your child.

I would advise being pleasant before forgiveness!

And keep a watchful eye out for your daughter. Someone who is 'mainly' abusive to his partners sounds abusive to children. Do not let her suffer at his hands.

The answer to your question OP is "No".

Just be civil for the sake of your child and keep all discussions to childcare issues.

Being civil for now is understandable. Best not to poke the dragon. But you do know he hasn't changed and us a danger to your child still right?

Your daughters time to witness his abuse will come too.

Firstly, he will abuse the new partner and she will see that. Thus us abuse because she will grow up thinking its OK for mmento treat women this way.

Secondly, probably around her teens, when she starts becoming more independent of thought and voicing it...yeah..he won't like that.

Rather than forgiving, I would spend all my time focusing on learning how to spot abusers. And teaching my daughter about it too. So that as soon as he starts his bs with her, she can choose to stay the hell away from him. Or at the very least, if she is still young, tell you about what is happening.

She should never be in a position where she excuses abuse out of 'love'. You have to prepare her. You may not want to tell her specifically just yet what her dad did. But at least teach her what 'bad' people do. And about her boundaries. Give her a fighting chance to see it as soon as possible.