Mismatched sex drives - can it work long term?

[Lpc3]

Do you think a relationship can thrive if partners have mismatched sex drives or do you think this will ultimately be too big of a hurdle in the long run?

I ask as I'm happy with having sex once or twice a week but my girlfriend of around 1 year would probably prefer it twice a day. We don't live together and have busy work and social lives so this isn't really an option from a practical point of view - that obviously wouldn't be the case if we were to ever live together.

I have brought this topic up in a delicate way on more than one occasion and she always assures me we have enough sex. I can sense she wants more though and fear I will a) leave her unsatisfied, b) knock her confidence and c) cause her to feel resentment.

I'm 15 years older than her and are therefore conscious there is an inescapable power imbalance at play. I'm also aware she has not had good romantic relationships in the past so I'm worried she may overlook her true needs and desires because she has a low bar on what makes a good relationship and ultimately believe this is good enough for her.

On the flip side, I like to be intimate in other ways (in private) - holding hands, cuddling, giving a massage etc. I don't feel I can do this as frequently as I'd like to however for fear my girlfriend will then expect it to lead to sex.

Has anyone here had experience from either side of this and did you manage to work around it? I'm sure communication is key in all this but it can be tricky to navigate.

Thanks

Easy. Move in with her and have a couple of children.

Then she'll never want sex with you again and you'll be begging to get it once a week.

I am not sure. In my case my husband had the lower sex drive and it crushed me. I would like sex daily, he would have had sex once a month if that. Not having sex often really knocked my confidence and made me feel unloved and not very sexy, regardless of how much he held my hand or cuddled me, or told me he loved me.

I was ready to call it a day. I loved him very much, but I couldn’t live without physical intimacy. I didn’t give him an ultimatum as such, but I let him know that it was the end for me.

He saw a GP and I stayed whilst he sought treatment. He makes a huge effort now. Has been making a big effort for about 5 years.

We have sex around 3 times a week now, which is acceptable to me. I’m happy with this. Both of us instigate. Our relationship has also improved from my point of view as I’ve regained my confidence and am less unhappy.

If he had not bothered to put any effort into our sex life, I would simply have left, heartbroken of course, but would have sought a partner who was on the same page as me.

Sex is extremely important to some people and less important to others, so I guess whether a relationship can work will depend on the individual.

Thanks for your response.

If you don't mind me asking if your partner now taking TRT?

Supposedly my testosterone levels are normal and my sex drive has remained pretty much the same since my early 20s.

I have a pretty stress free lifestyle and keep fit so I'm not sure what I could do to change really.

😂👍

😂

Yes, he is taking TRT.

He was told his levels of T were low, but “within the normal range”. He pursued this relentlessly and asked to be referred to an endocrinologist who agreed that TRT was appropriate.

My husband was the same. We started dating in our teens and even then it was quite low - once every 1-2 weeks…but I thought it was because we didn’t live together and both lived with our families.

He used to insinuate that when we were finally alone together it would be better.

Ok that's interesting - thanks. I've seen 3 different GPs about it and they all pretty much disregarded it (thinking about it one GP just laughed!).

Has he experienced any negative side effects from taking it?

My husband said the same. The GP actually laughed at him too. He insisted on the referral.

At first they gave him a gel. It didn’t work.
DH used it for about 3-4 months and then asked for the injection. He had enough, so he was pretty upfront with the endo.

No neg side effects. He felt happier, less depressed. He saw a difference within a few months and within 6 months he was a new man. I’d say it took a good year for him to reach his optimum, maybe a little longer. He also lost some weight…he was storing a little around his waist and chest.

My DH said, if you do go back to the GP, you’re going to have to get assertive. Find out exactly what your levels are and where in the ‘normal’ range they lie.

I paid for a private test in the end as the one my GP ordered wasn't in depth enough, didn't include things like free testosterone. I might dig out the results and PM you if you don't mind, just to see how they compared to your husband's. Feel free to ignore my PM if it's a hassle! Thanks for your responses.

I think it's because there are a multitude of factors which question if she is speaking honestly on the matter. She will try to initiate more, make jokes about how she will need to watch porn & masturbate when I leave etc. We're both people pleasers too which almost certainly doesn't help out communication!

I think due to life experience whoever is older has the power particularly with larger age gaps.

No problem

I said, life experience. It is the main reason some people are comfortable with age gap relationships. How I viewed the world when I was early 20s was different to how I view the world late 30s. I have to be conscious of that.

*uncomfortable

I just asked DH and he said that he can’t remember much about his values other than his first two tests that were deemed to be ‘normal’ and his results were around 9 nmol/l for one and 8.7 for the other.

At the time he was in his early 30’s.

He has found that since being on the therapy he hovers in the low 20’s, although he has registered a measurement of 32. He is very happy now.

Ooo this is so MN
Man has low sex drive and it’s all “get it sort out , the wife has needs”
Woman has low sex drive it’s all “man isn’t doing enough housework and is a sex pest”

love it

Thanks for asking your DH. The three measurements I have were 56nmol/L, 25.59 nmol/L and 0.400 nmol/L which are supposedly all at the upper end of the normal range (although I've heard the normal reference ranges really need to be revised as they're way too low). I will continue to look into it but it may not be a medical issue and rather just how I am!

While I think my point needed to be stated in my original post I don't want to dwell on this as we're going off topic. Greater life experience leads to an imbalance of power. The same is true if one person is wealthier than the other, more intelligent, more athletic etc I believe what I'm saying is a view held by most people.

You’re welcome. Good luck with it all.

I personally think that both men and women should take their partners needs into consideration.

I vowed to be faithful to my husband and expect to have a sex life within my marriage. If we don’t have sex, we may as well be just friends.

Equally, if my husband felt dissatisfied with our sex life, I’d take that seriously and certainly wouldn’t just tell him that he should help out more and give me a massage.

I believe in listening to each other and making time and effort for one another.

If a women does not want sex with her husband, and does not respond to his concerns when he clearly does want sex…and if there is no compromise or discussion, then I feel that man would be justified in leaving the relationship. I’d even be sympathetic to an affair in this situation.

But again, I’m speaking as a person with a high sex drive myself and who places a lot of importance on sex, so I’m biased I guess.

LOL yeah.

And not only that but every thread on here about older men dating much younger women has people foaming at the mouth in righteous outrage at the inbuilt power imbalance and how abusive it is. Now man goes into relationship with moderately younger woman and says upfront he's aware of the potential for power imbalance, and "ooooh . . . evil power-hungry man thinks he has so much POWER over her!". 😃