So sick of dating

[BlondeWaves]

I'm 31. Been dating for the past 4 years. Haven't met anyone I wanted to have a relationship with. Tried meeting people in person at clubs. Tried online dating. Tried speed dating. Just can't get anything to stick. I'm nearly 32, would love to have more kids (I have one), would love that intimacy that I miss so badly. I just can't seem to meet anyone. Really hard when you have a reception age child too. Is there hope for me? Are there decent men out there who are willing to date a lone parent? This always seem to be an issue but there's sod all I can do about it. My son is such a huge part of my life and men seem to back off when they realise I don't get every other weekend to myself and can't spontaneously go away for the weekend. Feeling really down and lonely and unlovable. Never used to be like this.

I even typed in to Google 'dating as a lone parent' and was just met with endless articles about 'why not to date a lone mother' (not father might I add) which was a kicker.

Sorry you're feeling alone op @BlondeWaves If you're looking to have another child then you're looking to blend families? Otherwise if your priority is another child you could always consider going it alone with a sperm donor? Do you have good support network around you?

I do have a good support network, but I can't get my head around the idea of sperm donation. I think it could be really hard for a child to grow up waiting for their 18th birthday to find out who their dad is. As much as I would love to have another child, I don't think I'd take the risk of the damage it could cause. I have thought about this quite a lot.

If you read posts on MN you will see many people don’t think lone parents should date again and that people should run from them especially those with young children (yours is reception age) so it does seem to be something many don’t want to get involved with and advise others not to.

Ugh. Ouch.

In a really similar situation OP. I'm 33 with a five year old. My time off from parenting is limited and it becomes difficult to progress anything with so much time in between dates. It's making me really unconfident as well having been single for so long. I am considering resigning from it to work on my confidence and self esteem and potentially going it alone for another child. Families come in all shapes and sizes and more and more, I am feeling that acceptance of my situation and that maybe this just won't happen for me is more beneficial than ploughing my energy into trying to find that typical family unit.

Oh and just picking up on this yes people do say the same about lone fathers in fact I think most see that as worse and the father is just “looking for free child care”. Made a post myself about dating as a lone parent and had a kicker poster tell me I had nothing to offer anyone 😏

Lots of single mothers find new partners, I wouldn't worry.

Yes, it's a bit of a logistical nightmare and you have to keep your standards high, because people will tell you stuff like above.

And there are a certain type of men who think single mums will put up with crap and be grateful for any attention.

So just date when you can and make sure you value yourself.

It's not easy to find the right person but no reason to think it won't happen for you.

I was in a similar situation at that age OP, I’m ten years older than you now and the dating pool does get a bit better. Thirties is a difficult age, most eligible men are in long term relationships, and the ones that aren’t will mainly prefer women without children because they want to start their own family. It’s a tricky age.
Sorry that’s not hugely helpful, I spent my thirties mainly casually dating and not having proper relationships, it’s only now I’m a bit older it seems there are potentially more men available that also want longer term relationships. I wish you luck.

I'm a solo mum by Choice and used a sperm donor to conceive. Just wanted to say a couple of things on the topic.

Donor Conception Network has a lot of literature around the subject. There is no overwhelming evidence that says children suffer from having to wait until they 18 to find out ID release information about their donors. When handled correctly Children do not have psychological issues as a result of being donor conceived. Children that do have identity issues tend to be the ones who were not told of the nature of their conception or just lied to about who the "father" is.

Dating as a parent is hard however your child was conceived!

I've never once seen this attitude on MN, and lots of single parents date/couple up. Have you tried meeting people other than in a specific 'dating' setting? What sort of person are you wanting to meet? Where would they spend time? Go and spend time there, too.

Well I have many times, I made a thread about dating as a single parent and was told not to bother! And I would only attract abusive men because the “cream of the crop” wont want a single mum also because I don’t get free weekend I have nothing to offer anyone 😒

@SpinningFloppa

I think the point to note is that other opinions are available, so no need to buy into the doom and gloom one.

Do you look at dating men who have children?

I don’t know but I don’t think many youngish men your age are looking to date single mothers for a variety of reasons. May not want the baggage, or difficulty, may be worried there will be constant issues with the child’s father or maybe they see it as a warning like, if they have a child with you, you may leave them since you’ve ended up single with a child before.
Also I guess if men do put effort into building a relationship with you and your child and then it doesn’t work out - what was it for?

I would think dating separated men would be a better bet.

Also why do you think you haven’t been able to want a relationship with any of the men you have met? You shouldn’t lower your moral standards of wanting a good man who treats your kid well - but do you think other requirements you have may be a problem?

I became a single mother of three at 27 when my marriage ended. I am now 33 (almost 34) happily cohabiting with my partner and expecting a new baby together (early days of pregnancy!)
My partner and I met via OLD (however realised that we had dated when we were teenagers then lost touch!). He doesn’t have children of his own yet. We’ve been together for 2 years now, it’s been quite a quick progression however we are both 100% sure we wanted to be together and time wasn’t on our side with growing our family. (If I’d posted at the time on mnet I’d definitely have been told I was rushing!)

Had quite a lot of crap dates, if the people you’re dating don’t seem interested then move on, it’s quite a brutal game but it’s the only way!
meeting someone can happen though, my main advice would be to listen to your gut!

Also people saying it’s the worst thing you can do for your child to bring an unrelated man into their life, you’re risking their safety Step fathers are dangerous, there are certainly people out there and a lot on here who believe single parents should remain single until their children have grown up.

@SpinningFloppa

Theyre not wrong. Step fathers or unrelated male partners are far more likely to abuse (sexually or just with violence) unrelated children than bio (or adoptive) fathers.

You only need to read the boards here to see how many step Mums have a resentment of the step kids

@SpinningFloppa

Not sure why you tagged me there, to argue against a point I hadn't made.

Have you tried joining interest groups to meet likeminded people?

I know you have a child, but could you get childcare sorted for one evening a week or something for example?

Writing
Hiking
Cooking
Film or book group

Etc.

(this is how I met my husband)

@BlondeWaves 🤗

Dating... The way you're talking about it sounds like it's a chore but a necessary evil to achieve a goal. Are you actually having any fun dating? Because it should be fun.

Have you thought about meeting someone organically? Not forcing the idea of meeting someone but you know... You must occasionally come across a guy in day-to-day life that you fancy or get on with?

From the perspective of someone your age that's dating a single parent... I'm very invested in the person, love him to bits and don't care that before any 'blending' we are apart a lot of the time and date during school hours (because that's the hardest part, most people seem to want a relationship with more frequency, and I won't lie, I miss him a lot when we're apart). But I'm not so sure I'd get this invested in someone new and put my needs and wants aside this much, even if they seem really great on first date. I do it for him because I know him and know we have something special/ he's worth the wait.

Just don't lower your standards. By today's standards you still have a good few years to have another child if that's really important to you. Do you need to play a numbers game during your precious little spare time? Get out of the house when you can, say yes to things, go to work dos when you can, things you enjoy... And you might just meet the right guy for you if you don't make it your life mission.

My Mother married four times, she was widowed twice and shockingly for the times divorced twice. First marriage she was 22 this is not long after the end of WWII, last marriage she was 40. With each marriage she had more children, 6 of us in the end.

She was a great beauty and extremely witty, never have I met a woman with as much confidence as her. She was actually engaged two more times as well. Her confidence made her very attractive. But it is a risk, of the four husbands and two fiancées one was awful, an alcoholic but the others were all very pleasant.

It's important to differentiate between real stepfathers and random boyfriends of single mothers. The latter are read about often in the media in tragic cases and these are not stepfathers. They're step nothings.

I don’t know but I don’t think many youngish men your age are looking to date single mothers for a variety of reasons. May not want the baggage, or difficulty, may be worried there will be constant issues with the child’s father or maybe they see it as a warning like, if they have a child with you, you may leave them since you’ve ended up single with a child before.
Also I guess if men do put effort into building a relationship with you and your child and then it doesn’t work out - what was it for?

I think this is true and not true at same time, men looking to date women who are their 20/30’s fully understand that those ppl are quite likely to be single months and I think that would come with the territory really ( same with men likely to have kids)

Nope again people told me a step father is the biggest danger to a child, so we are not talking “random boyfriends”

@SpinningFloppa

Are you the authority on this? Have you got any proof of your claims, other than what people told you?