Money over time

[Sharpasknives]

Because he pays for things like decorating , new furniture, he thinks this allows him to do nothing around the house. We both work full time , and I spent all day Saturday cleaning washing food shopping going to the tip whilst he was “at work” - hobby with his grown up son . I cook every night , walk the dog, and he storms off to bed at 7 pm when I challenge him for not appreciating or thanking me.
he never listens if he can be bothered to look up from his phone when I’m telling him stuff , the other night I said I’d lost my job ( I hadn’t ) and he said mmmm- he hadn’t been listening.
im just feeling worn down with it all
he’s a selfish spoilt man who cannot take the slightest bit of criticism

Get a cleaner and pay for it from the bills account

We have a cleaner but there’s always something that needs doing 😭

Stop doing everything. Keep walking the dog but the rest of the domestic stuff - just quietly ignore it.

I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who thought behaving like this was a partnership.

I can’t ignore it, I know I’m making a rod for my own back , 11 years and he’s never cooked me a meal that he has made himself . Thinks that the money should make me happy but I want his time

Go on strike, stop washing his clothes, make food for yourself and get yourself a hobby that means you go out and enjoy yourself for a few hours a week. Continue to walk the dog and whatever housework you feel you have to do for your own sanity. If he complains tell him that you've done a % of housework and life admin in line with the % you contribute financially. The remaining is for him to do.

I agree, money isn't everything and he's taking the piss massively and taking you for granted massively.

Trouble is if you don't change the way you react to this, he won't change. You've already tried talking to him and he sulks or feeds you the 'I earn more' line. So it's unlikely to change unless you force the issue

Bankseyvest - I know , I feel like I’m enabling him to be a twat, but I’m a helper type. It’s not that easy regarding food as kids involved , we have tried buying and cooking separately but that’s worse as the teens just eat whatever is in the cupboards regardless of who has bought it. I’m cooking for me and my son, so why wouldn’t I just make Enough for all?

Sigh.

OPyu want suggestions on how to change things. You have tried talking to him, and that hasn’t worked. People are suggesting something else - effectively a strike, or a limitation of duties so it impacts him and he has to notice. You are throwing up all reasons why it can’t happen, which is frankly why your husband can and will continue to act like this.

Accept that change is going to happen unless you DO something, and yes, the flow on impact may be unpleasant. That is - you stop cooking for your husband. He gets angry at you, as if he can use his anger to intimidate you back to your previous behaviour, he has won and again doesn’t have to change. However if you hold the line, he may be shocked into realising how much you do for the family, and be willing to do a few things, in return for you resuming doing some of the things you do for the family.

It's that old saying isn't it .
If you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got .
What you've tried hasn't worked OP so time to try something new .

Do you pay for anything or does he cover everything?

He doesn't listen to you when you're together, and if you say something critical of him (I'm guessing no matter how carefully you word it) he runs away from you.

I'm not sure having more time with him would change either of these rather grim facts.

I was married to someone like that years ago.

I'm afraid they don't change OP.

I went 'on strike'. He hated it.
However, instead of "stepping up to the plate" he started an affair. I found out and divorced him.

Now she's got my problem 😂

Later I met and married someone else who is a gem. 🙂

Leave!

I work very long hours, I can only do this because DH picks up more than his fair share of the slack (he also works ridiculous hours but WFH so doesnt have a commute). We are a team and are doing this for a common goal, his contributions are just as important as mine.

Yes I know I’m just feeling done with it all

We split bills etc but he pays for the “nice” extras

I think the "he earns more" is a red herring. Many men pull this card but interestingly when the woman is the higher earner she rarely gets to put her feet up or not do night feeds.

Even pp who said her husband does more - bet she's working whilst he does.

Leave him op unless he changes and pulls his weight.

I had to tolerate that sexist attitude with my ex and never again. My boyfriend now is absolutely fair and pulls his weight. It’s so amazing being with a capable adult who just gets on with what needs doing.

So, if you're done with it all, what are you going to do about it?

I feel like I’m enabling him to be a twat, but I’m a helper type

You're abdicating responsibility for yourself, here. If you're enabling him to be a twat, who needs to change? Given that you know he will take any opportunity he's given to act like a twat?

Your statement is a bit like 'I can't help who I am', and that's true, it's important to be who you are and be true to yourself. But if you're a helper type, you need to take responsibility for spending your time with people who appreciate your help, rather than people who take advantage and make you feel crap. It's up to him if he wants to be a twat. It's up to you whether you want to be around twats.