I realised reading few threads here and even one today that I may not be as alone as I thought I am.
Here is my story. I will try to keep it short. Emphasis on TRY! Few years ago I met a man (big age gap), we started a relationship. It was my last call to have a baby then but he had vasectomy before meeting me, however he told me he intends to reverse it. I was happy to pursue this in a hope we will build a family together. He already had adult children. I was also in a very good financial position and in a process of buying a property out right. He started making all sorts of obstructions to me buying my own property and to us having a child. I did not see it at first. The plan was he will be looking to have his reversal done. He will keep his house. I will progress with a purchase of my own property and we will rent to see first how things are. In our then circumstances it was most sensible.
Each time there was a suitable property and I wanted to progress he would start an argument and make me feel guilty of buying my own place ( I wanted it as a security blanket and investment). Initially I trusted he had my best interest at heart but after yet another argument I became suspicious.
He was renting out his place and I was happy for him to have that income so why was I made to feel guilty to do the same? His idea was that he thought I should put all my money into a property with him. I did not understand why since he already had his place. Location was not suitable for us to live there and blend with work. He became very adamant about what type of place we should buy and where and it was not what I wanted. It was all what he wanted. Why should I put all my money into a mortgage with him for a big house I do not want whereas instead both of us can be mortgage free having our own places? Additionally I was also taking into consideration the risk with his children later becoming beneficiaries of what I put in. Just did not make any sense.
Surely everyone wants to be mortgage free asap not take mortgage late in life. When people plan retirement they want to downsize not take mortgage for a bigger place.
The age gap between us also meant that whilst he is retired I would still be paying it all off whilst working. Here comes the baby to play (or rather not). I was not quite sure where would the baby that I so wanted come to play and fit into the scenario. Each time we would start the topic he would end up shouting at me that if we do not buy a house together there is no way we are going to have a child at current place (mews house rental). Mews house was too small in his opinion, he wanted big detached house with a hobby room for him. After a while of listening to his shouting (each time same arguments were raised) I began to realise that there is no space in his life, mind, heart for a baby but plenty to manage my finances and his retirement plan. It got to the point that he started pushing for a wedding. I did not want to get married as at that point I started to feel something is not right. He was desperate for wedding with me, mortgage with me but not a child with me which the latter was priority considering my age.
Each time I was trying to progress with the process of us having a baby he would find a hoop for me to jump through. Eventually he decided that perhaps I should go to the doctors first before he goes because maybe I am in fact infertile considering I did not have children and he obviously had kids before so he knows everything is ok with him. It hurt.
I booked myself to a clinic. I was happily surprised at the time when the doctor said despite my age I had good chances for a healthy pregnancy. All was good. I insisted for further more expensive tests which only confirmed that I was all well and good to get pregnant. I got the results and asked him if he wants to see them. He said no. It hurt again.
At that point I was waiting when is he going to go to the doctors. Months were passing by, he didn't. Eventually I raised the topic again and guess what another hurdle - he told me that I should go to another doctor and he will go with me. Go again through same set of tests as if the previous were not valid to him. It felt he was almost hoping that eventually my tests will come out bad enough so he can say 'oh well see you can't have children'. I felt awful.
I lived my life feeling I am in some sort of a game. I came over here and started reading all sorts of stories which made my head spin but in a good way. I started wondering what is his motivation. Why is he with me. Is he looking for a younger free carer when he is older? just no more kids as he wants peace. I read here about nurse with a purse which is a great phrase. Part of me started doubting - perhaps I am wrong, maybe I am over sensitive but then again the arguments were so intense and money focused my gut feel was screaming. Eventually he started asking questions about my inheritance which I also felt was inappropriate. I later read here about women sharing how their partners are complaining about money ie fishing for financial help. I had that too. He made me feel guilty few times that I was debt free to then say in next sentence that I am stupid with money. I felt he was pure envious. I also thought it was odd for an middle aged man to be complaining about money whilst owning a house and having a six figure job. It just did not add up. I wonder what do you think? What was going on? Where could this all end up?
A bit long in the end. sorry. x