Tired of dh's attitude

[LJsmum]

Please tell me if anyone else feels this way. Dh has a corporate job that requires him to travel a couple of times a month, usually about 3 or 4 days at a time. At busier times of the year, he can spend quite a lot of his own personal time (including nights & weekends) sorting out work problems, attending functions and being on the phone. As a result he has quite a lot of independence and spends a reasonable amount of time away from home. We have a four year old son but have been together for much longer.

This isn't the whole problem but just part of it. As far as I'm concerned, dh wants as little to do with the practicial side of parenting as possible. He hardly ever has ds (4) on his own, and when he does, he acts as though he's made this big contribution by spending a little bit of time looking after his own son. He NEVER takes ds out just for fun, just the two of them, so ds spends most of his time doing things with me or with my parents (when not at preschool). I try to organise as many playdates and fun things as I can for him, but it seems to always be ME spending time with ds. A couple of weeks ago dh & I took ds away to another city for a weekend (a rarity) which should have been nice for all of us, because we'd planned to take ds to a theme park and to the zoo and basically just spend time doing some fun things together. Well most of the time dh acted as though he was thoroughly bored/annoyed by having to spend his time doing things with ds. His face was like stone a lot of the time and he commented several times about how 'we can't do anything of our own when ds is around'. WTF??!! We had specifically planned to spend this weekend as a family and he was ruining it for everyone with his attitude. After spending nearly two days with his scowling face I lost it with him & told him what I thought - things improved slightly for a while but he always reverts back to being intolerant when it comes doing things like this. He also gets off very lightly around the house, doesn't do much at all except for the outside (garden), and I do virtually everything else including caring for ds. - bathing, feeding, dressing, bedtime, etc etc. I literally have to ask him to help me with ds because most of the time he won?t offer. He works full-time but his hours are quite flexible and he gets quite a few perks with his job, I'm a SAHM but have been studying part-time for the last few years and seem to be acting increasingly as a single parent. Funny thing is that my parents offer to babysit for us quite often but dh rarely takes them up on the offer, unless of course it?s to attend one of his work functions. I am starting to wish I was married to a completely different kind of man

[tabitha]

You have my sympathy LJsmum - your dh sounds like an archetypal 'Victorian Dad'. There have been threads on things like this in the past so you're obviously not the only one (don't ask me to retrieve them though, far too technical for me )
I'm sure someone will be able to give you good advice.

[tabitha]

Just bumping your thread up

[tammyBEARinggifts]

oh dear, not too sure what to suggest, but sending lots of hugs. how about getting dh to have ds by himself for one of his days off whilst you go out and do something. sounds like due to him working so much he hasnt been able to bond well with ds so maybe him spending time alone with ds without you there can help?

[starantulalalalalala]

Im so sorry LJsmum. Cant actually offer much advice. dp used to get a bit that way when we had dss for the weekend but it was more because he didnt have any experience with young kids and didnt know what to do with him. Im afraid that if he ever moaned I leapt on him with both feet and he soon stopped. I also gave him lots of ideas on things to do and made him do them. hes much better now with dd but still gets bored with kids stuff (like the rest of us dont sometimes?)but knows enough not to moan and has learned to join in as its more fun and time goes quicker like that IYSWIM. So all I can really say is keep getting him to join in he may get better after a while. HTH a bit

[mrschristmaswallace]

feel the same hun! similar situation! what do you do?

[cardigansarenotjustforxmas]

Feel for you here - sounds like your dh needs to schedule in some time just him & ds. You need time off as well. If you showed dh how much you work on a chart or something that he can relate to perhaps he could see clearly your workhours & his & then find a way how he could build into his schedule. Does he have a family photo on his desk at work? are there any clubs, activities that dh could take ds to? If he could sit with some other dads at a gym class/mini football whatever perhaps he'd feel proud in himself as a dad. Hope you can find sometime for you - it's a tough job as a sahm - wishing you all the best xxx