Help, who is the father??

[1122JS]

Hi everyone,

For me posting this is really out of my comfort zone, but I need to talk to somebody and currently have no one to talk to and I am going through panic and pure stress.

I am 31 weeks pregnant (my due date is 13th January 2023)

I am under pure panic, I was with my partner for 6 years and in June 2021 we split up, on April 24th, we slept together unprotected and I fell pregnant, we decided to rework on our relationship and have this baby and everything was perfect, we are building a house etc etc

He has found out, while we wasn’t together I was seeing other people and we have now pretty much split up over this (only because I wasn’t honest about this when we first got back together) now he is questioning whether he is the father, I have booked a pre natal non invasive paternity test and will get my results in 10 working days or so, but the panic I am having is causing me panic attacks, insane amount of stress etc.

On 12th April 2022 was the first day of my period, my period was a bit on and off bleeding and quite short, i slept with someone on 14th April 2022 however, I actually stopped sleeping with him 2 minutes in as we had been drinking and I felt sick so he didn’t finish as such, this was also my last day of my period however, although he didn’t finish it was unprotected and I know it was the last day of my period but is this still possible?

On 24th April was when I had sexual intercourse with my ex and that was unprotected and he did finish etc.

I am making myself so ill over this, can someone please speak to me and help.

Take two weeks of your date given to you from your 12 week dating scan. That is your most likely conception date give or take a few days.

He is very likely the father but stop beating yourself up over this.

You were apart nearly a year and it's none of his damn business who you were with when you were broken up.
You weren't obligated to tell him just because he asked.

Tired of all these men dipping their wicks without a care and being shocked when there is a pregnancy.

PSA don't bang losers.

@1122JS

I don't talk about it often but I been in your shoes.

Sometimes you genuinely don't know assume a person is the father.

Still until this day not sure who was the father. But my situation ended badly.

All I can say you acknowledge you did wrong some people don't. Really just focus on yourself and the baby.

She didn't 'do' wrong.

@ZooTropia

She shouldn't beat herself up about this.

Just would like OP not make herself ill.

@Tinkity absolutely agree with everything you said, this forum is so biased it's ridiculous.

That said OP, I do think there needs to be clear seperation about what the issue is here. People are right in that it has nothing to do with him what or who you slept with during the split. However it sounds like it's the lying that he's annoyed with, especially the fact its regarding paternity, so to diminish this is wrong (by other posters, not you, I think you are worrying too much but do seem to be taking responsibility albeit too much). It is quite a major thing to a man so his reaction is understandable and that hurt should be acknowledged.

However It is highly likely the ex is the father and I really hope you can both move on from this. It sounds like you panicked and blurted out an answer and it's come back to bite you on your backside. However it can't be changed and you have a gorgeous baby to think about and concentrate on. You deserve it to them to be the best version of yourself, and that means not beating yourself up over it all. Apologise to the ex and see if it can be worked out. If not, then it wasn't to be.

Best of luck OP but sounds like you've already punished yourself enough.

Thanks so much, it means so much.
just wish I was honest from the start, I feel like I’ve lost everything x

he found out from going through my phone

Yes he did tell me about some of them.. he was with many women while we wasn’t together and even had something quite serious.

I just didn’t feel I could tell him about me.

yes you are right. I don’t know why x

Whatever happens with the result - his behaviour over the next 10 days will tell you if you really want to be a couple again…

@1122JS

If that's the case not sure how long he was cheating on you. But he can't be upset at you.

If before you slept with this man and being in this position.

I would say your situation was over already. And that maybe he would never have been faithful to you.

Hi OP. Agree with everyone else that your ex is very likely the father.

I don't think he's split with you because you weren't honest... he's split with you because how dare you have sex with someone else whilst you were on a break (whilst he got to shag around) It's classic bruised ego behaviour and I'm sure he would have kicked off had you been honest. He's just gaslighting you to make you feel shit about doing something perfectly acceptable given you were on a break.

I hope everything works out for you and congratulations on the baby x

From the update, I am not clear if he is annoyed about what OP did during their fairly lengthy split or if it is specifically about not knowing if he was the only possible father or not.

If the former, then yes he is being unreasonable it is non of his business. But I do think that he had a right to know whether he was the only possible father or he was maybe the father. On the dates, it sounds like he is to me, but OP herself had doubts and as such I think it wasn’t fair to act like he was the only possibility.

I'm not sure he's bothered about that though is he? It's the fact the baby might possibly not be his and the OP led him to believe it 100% was.

Stop right there!

What the hell was he doing going through your phone??

Have your baby. Go it alone. Get him to pay through CMS and arrange him having the baby sometimes when it's old enough (if he can be bothered)

But he's the one in the wrong - not you.

Did what wrong?

Slept with someone else when she was single? When her ex slept with many more?

She didn't owe him chapter and verse about her life without him

I hate this word - but was he controlling when you were together before?

Can I just say that if you were my daughter going through this, I would very much want to know to be able to support you. I would not judge you or be disappointed or angry. I would be concerned that you were in such an awful situation.
Do you think your mum might feel the same? Can you confide in her so she can support you?

Slept with someone else when she was single? When her ex slept with many more?

She didn't owe him chapter and verse about her life without him

It's not a competition, the only thing that's wrong is she led him to believe he was the father while she wasn't sure he was. She should have waited until she knew.

You're going to be a dad
Followed on some time later by
Hang on I'm not sure it's yours
Is a big issue.

I don't see why he'd be going through he phone though. Bad behaviour on both sides. Time for both to settle back into whatever parenting mode suits them.

My due date was January 24th and I fell pregnant on May 5th so I’d say it’s the ex but can’t be 100% certain without a paternity test

Yes I know.

He should not have gone through your phone. I would have a problem with this though. Is he ever going to trust you? Also, nothing ever good comes of opening Pandoras box. It's his own fault

Exactly this. And, I would be saying it to him too. Don't let him have the upper hand for ever, put a halt on it now.