It's over...what now

[Needachange88]

Dh and I have 2 children, 7 year old and 16 months old

We haven't been getting on for a while and I have really tried to hold things together, make an effort
etc. However tonight I realised its over.

Yesterday we went to a pub for a family members birthday. I could only stay a little while as no children were allowed after a certain time so I took them home. While there I spent the whole evening chasing the children around while he sat and laughed and drunk with everyone (his family so fair enough) I took them outside for a bit in the pub garden, technically a smoking area (but there was no one smoking) he came out and called me irresponsible and that they were going elsewhere so we had to go. Fine, we left

Today, he was moaning he had no money (neither do I - full time nursery fees are expensive here) but I transferred him £75 so he coukd go out for same family members birthday and the football while I took children swimming and had them all day.

He got home, was a in good mood and then snapped when 17 month old started having a tantrum because dh wouldn't pick him up. I went to try and calm him down (dc has a habit of throwing himself back and banging his head and he was on a hard tiled floor) and dh snapped, literally started screaming in my face that I ha e issues, that I'm the problem in the relationship, thats I'm ill (I had PPA with our first which I have therapy for) and that I've abused dh for 7 years by not listening to him and doing everything my way (his way to is to shout at the children and leave them to cry to go to sleep and when upset) and that I pick them up too much

There is so much more but I don't know where to start or what I do now!

If you are indeed married to this man I would look into seeking legal advice as soon as you can with a view to commencing divorce proceedings. He is also really projecting his own self onto you when he was shouting all that at you too.

Why did you at all transfer £75 to him?. If you had not done that what would he have done?.

Where is "here"; are you in the UK or overseas?.

Oh come on, you can't continue to live with him. You need to make plans to get yourself away from the nasty piece of work.

Here is England, but very close to London so nearly London prices

If I hadn't of given him the money he would have gone out anyway but I felt bad and unfortunately I'm a people pleaser.

I just feel so alone and like a failure that its over when I feel like I've tried so hard. But according to him I haven't tried at all.

You’re not a failure. You can’t win with someone who behaves like that. Sounds like you and the children will be much happier away from him.

Oh, OP. You poor woman.

From what you've written here, your DH is horrible. You are not.

You and your children deserve better.

Do you have anyone/anywhere you can get support?

There is so much more but I don't know where to start or what I do now!

The first thing you do is see a solicitor especially since there are children involved. Before you make a move you want to know your legal position and have an idea of what you can expect, finance-wise. Once you know that, you'll be in a better position to make your plans to leave. And leave you should because you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Possibly financially abusive too, if you feel bullied or coerced into giving him money so he'll 'be nice'.

If you have a close friend or relative that you trust implicitly to keep their mouths shut, confide in them that you want to leave. Ask them for their emotional and/or practical support.

just feel so alone and like a failure that its over when I feel like I've tried so hard.

The only 'failure' is failure to act. You tried, so now let go. If you go, you win. If you stay, you fail because you will not be being true to yourself.

But according to him I haven't tried at all.

You need to realize that what he means by 'you haven't tried at all' is that you aren't doing what he wants 100% of the time. But even if you did, he'd move the goalposts to keep you off balance and constantly striving to 'please'. An abuser uses this tactic when they want you to keep trying harder to please them, because it keeps you from realizing that you deserve so much better.