Is Long term friend phasing me out

[Peachslice]

So for over 10 years I’ve had a good friend, through her have become friends with others in her original social group.
We are both single with no children, she’s insightful and has been supportive, we’ve had some great times and she’s not confrontational at all. We’re in our 40s.

I remember her telling me that she became annoyed with a uni friend, and gradually distanced herself. I noticed she also did this with a mutual friend, so that although there has never been a showdown, this girl must be aware of there lack of closeness now, and due to this girl living a few hours away I didn’t really keep in contact with her myself. There is another mutual friend who she flat shared with for a few years, this girl is nice but extremely flaky to the point of rudeness when it comes to plans and meeting up, so again she got phased out. I experienced the same frustrations with the flakiness but still kept in contact, but this girl would contact me and say she knew our friend was phasing her out and she remembered about the uni girl also getting let go (let’s call it that)
For the last couple of years I’ve noticed this friend has been doing it with me, I never thought she would as she’d often confide in me her frustrations with friends. In the last year she sadly lost her dad, during that time she was actually better with me, but now it’s reverted back to her never initiating contact, slow to respond, when she does it’s very generic stuff.

I have suggested meeting up about 3 times in last 3 months and she always uses work as an excuse, despite her having a very flexible job. In this time she has been on holiday with another in our group, previously I would have been asked and involved in the planning of it
A mutual male friend told me she said she was reviewing all her friendships.
I have previously asked her if she’s been feeling ok/noticed a shift in our friendship/have I done anything to offend and obviously due to her being zero confrontational, I just got generic answers that she was fine and just busy. It looks like the friend she went on holiday with is now her closest.
It sounds childish but as it’s so non confrontational it’s actually confusing and hurtful. Judging from the past I guess it looks like I’ve been excluded?

Don't even bother with her anymore, honestly

She’s in her 40s but acts as if she’s 9.
Move on and don’t look back! She has an over inflated view of herself imo and seems to me quite a transactional view of her friendships- her ‘letting people go’ makes it seem like they aren’t good enough for her. Actually, I expect she is so self absorbed and dismissive of others that she can’t tolerate any friendships not entirely on her own terms. Says more about her than any of you who have ‘been let go’. Have a blast without her, she’s not really a good friend. Xxx

I agree with @sjxoxo. It sounds like she phases everyone out over time.

That sounds very self entitled of her. If she feels she can pick and choose her friendship as she chooses and without explanation then she is heading for a big wake up call. Don't bother with her anymore. I bet she'll come running back one day when she realises she's got no friends left.

So I sent out a message to a few in group chat about a free event in a few weeks. The friend in question said sounded lovely but she was travelling that day, I then suggested the day before and she said she was working in day (event runs 4-10pm) then she was at a birthday party, another girl corrected her saying the party was on a different date, and my friend just made a joke about her getting dates mixed up but never mentioned the event again.
As she hates confrontation, well don’t we all! , I know if I raised anything all I’d get is she’s busy and fine.
It leaves me feeling confused as there’s a degree of normality I can’t ask others but I know she’s cutting me off.

The 'don't like confrontation' card 🙄it's ok to be vague, flaky and a bad friend but please don't ask me to be honest, that would be so rude! That's hypocrisy. A honest conversation doesn't have to be confrontational.

Op I wouldnt chase her. I feel I did that with people. Leave her be. If people dont commit to things I go myself.. I got tired waiting on them

Leave her be. Keep your dignity - you’ve asked all the right questions. She’s got form and she’s phased you out! Not a good friend! X

Not sure why she’s getting so much hate. The way she’s acting is what’s often recommended on here if you want to end a friendship.

Sounds like she wants to step back from the friendship and that’s her choice. Could be all sorts of reasons.

Not much you can do but except it tbh.

My advice is to to make the decision for her. Don't contact her and don't answer messages ever again. Immature and disrespectful. Hurts a lot I imagine. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Take back your power. She is ending the friendship. Make the decision it's over for her.

I think I’m finding it extra hard, as there’s mutual friends involved. And I’ve had a rough year where I split with my partner and ended 2 friendships (my choice). My social circle is normally busy, and I’m experiencing how isolating it is, as I don’t have kids, and don’t have a close relationship with my sister. Want me up after Christmas!

So I sent my friend a message, saying I’d if done anything to offend her. She replied same generic response, “No of course not, I’m just busy with work “
I replied saying due to the fact that we don’t catch up it feels like there’s not much left in it. No reply.
Im done now, sad and confused but I can’t do anymore. Dealing with someone who says everything is fine, but doesn’t contact you and says they’re busy when you suggest meeting up, proves everything is far from fine. It’s very passive aggressive, like a form of punishment and control.

It is a form of punishment and control. Op my heart breaks for you. It really does, but don't chase her. It will
Just hurt more, I've been there.

My old gran had a saying
"If someone won't lift a finger to see you - you lift all 5 fingers and wave then goodbye"

OP - the people who are your friends are those who replied saying they were interested in your suggestion. Listen to your instinct and take control back. She's faded you out like she treated others. Been there and had that done....

You will never know what's going on.

She's a coward who is unable to be honest with people. It's quite nasty the way she does this to many.

I expect she does it to everyone to whom she becomes close. This 'new' close friend of hers will also get the same treatment in a while.

I would leave it now for the sake of your dignity and because she's a coward who would never tell you the truth. And I certainly wouldn't consider her a friend ever again. She's not trustworthy.

Focus on your individual friendships, not in a group and never publicise what you're doing (events, trips away) to this silly woman who behaves this way.

You will slowly build up more friendships again.

@beachcitygirl

If someone won't lift a finger to see you - you lift all 5 fingers and wave then goodbye

Love your gran's saying. Though I am more uncouth and would say I'd lift one finger, the middle one, and say go swivel.

OP you've ascertained that she has phased you out. The comment about reassessing friendships from you mutual friend was intended to reach you. She's done it before with very little reason so you know it's not you, it's her. Shut her out of your mind. She doesn't deserve the space in your head.

I'm astounded by the arrogance of people like this who can just decide to jettison perfectly nice friends. Perhaps one day there'll be no one left and she'll be sorry. Or maybe she's one of these perennially charismatic people who keeps reinventing themselves and attracting new friends to replace the "dead wood". There are a few of them about, I recognise them now and I judge their shallowness, oh yes.

Some of these responses!

it does sound like she doesn’t want to be friends anymore op.
that’s not a crime.

shes just not that into you. It is what it is.

axcept and move on

I had a friend like that. We met at the school gates when the children were little and became close friends with overlapping friendship circles, so it was great. Then I realised she was easing me out of the friendship…saying no to invitations as too busy, but then someone else would post on social media that they’d had a great night out with her. We’re still cordial in a ‘must do lunch’ kind of way when we meet but I know it won’t happen and I’m fine with that. She has a pattern - close friendship and then she moves on to someone else after a year or two. Several members of the friendship groups experienced the same and when we meet we have a good laugh about it. She’s very competitive and we reckon she makes the shift when a friend ‘does better’ and it’s over really stupid things - someone else’s child being better at football/ballet/reading was really all it took!

I think move on. Its hurtful for sure. I decided this year Im done chasing friends. All one sided contact

When you meet people like this, perhaps those without friends from more than a few years back, know that you too will one day be surplus to requirements.
It's not a big deal, even though it may feel it is.
This was a shallow friendship.

When you messaged the group it sounds like other people were interested. Don't drop them just because your previous friend couldn't go!

She’s being fake nice. It’s not actually nice to do that.

You’ve done everything you can. I would personally let it to. Ball is in her court. Her loss and you can move on.

To go against the grain, none of this sounds that bad.

If she has lost her Dad in the last year, that can have profound effects on people - especially in terms of going out in groups etc.

We're not at school anymore, sometimes people just need different things.

Keep sending her the odd message if you like, or not, but sometimes life changes things.

I've just phased a friend out in a similar way to what's happened to you. I've realised she is actually more of a frenemy than a friend (she is a complete energy drain, very competitive, gossipy etc but I've only just realised after counselling about another matter) - I don't really fancy getting to a confrontation about things though as her insecurities are not something I want to take on, so I've been friendly but distant and 'too busy' to meet up. Maybe it's the cowardly way, but I don't have the energy or inclination to discuss things with her as I just need her out of my life 🤷🏻‍♀️