DP and have lived together for three years (been together longer). He has a place by the seaside (where he’s from) and I have a flat in a nearby city. On a typical week, we spend four days at mine (work) and three at his, but it varies.
When we first moved in together, it was 100% in the seaside location, where we ended up staying a while due to COVID. Cleaning/tidying was never really an issue - we managed to keep a clean house by doing jobs on the spot and also having a big clean every few weeks. At the time, both of us were pretty average in terms of tidiness - not slobs but not neat freaks either. The main difference was that he cleans MUCH faster than me (I have no idea how he does it, he’s not as detailed but still gets much more done than I do in a shorter time).
Over the last year or so, DP has become increasingly obsessed with keeping things clean and tidy. On several occasions now it has completely ruined an otherwise nice moment (e.g. i want to have a hug but no, the coffee cup needs to go in the sink NOW), and he’s also become quite bossy, almost like a parent telling me to tidy up after myself.
We are moving back to his house permanently so are clearing out and renovating my flat with a view to rent it out. I’ve accumulated quite a lot of clutter and the flat wasn’t in a great state to begin with, so there’s a lot of work to do, and not all of it is straightforward or “visible” (lots of behind the scenes stuff and sorting through boxes; I’ve had days where I’ve spent hours organising things but it doesn’t “look” like there’s been a big change iykwim).
DP has been helpful on a practical level, but at times quite mean and critical about the progress I’m making (or lack thereof). He often makes comments about me not having done enough, how is this 5 hours’ work, it’s only a small flat, I could do this in an hour, etc. When I try to explain that it can take me several hours to go through one box, or list all the things I’ve done that day, he’s not interested: he just sees that the sheets haven’t been put on yet, a few plates are in the sink, and a box is half-unpacked (“this was packed when I left this morning” - well yes, but I need to sort through it instead of just shipping it off!)
So optically it looks worse, but I’ve actually put in a lot of time, if that makes sense. And I appreciate that I work very slowly.
He also constantly talks about tidying and cleaning. We’ll be having a conversation about work or whatever, and boom, he’s talking about what he cleaned that day in his house, or drawing up yet another strategy on how to de-clutter my place. It’s obviously on his mind a lot which can’t be fun for him either.
I’m sad to say it’s become a huge - maybe the biggest ever - stressor in our relationship. We constantly fight about it and I’ve asked him several times not to criticize what I’ve done in a given day and just acknowledge that I’m trying, but he keeps doing it.
In all other areas he’s a lovely man, super supportive and kind, always puts my needs in front of his, and never gives me grief or criticizes me about anything else. To be clear, he’s doing a lot of the cleaning/tidying himself, and volunteered to help as it was his idea to start this whole project.
I think he is genuinely perplexed at how long it’s taking me, and feels unsettled living in the flat (in fairness it is not very homely at the moment, lots of boxes and temporary furniture - I hate it too but it is what it is).
His obsession with cleaning is obviously the main issue, though.
i know this sounds so trivial but I am in tears right now after another argument and just feel completely useless and powerless. The decluttering and cleaning is bad enough without him making me feel like shit about it.
Please help me get some perspective on this!