NC MIL

[Scatteredpictures]

Hi,

So I gave birth to our DS not long before the first lockdown was announced, in 2020.
Had a good relationship with MIL prior to this but him being born turned her quite overbearing - demanding to immediately come round as soon as we were home, turning up on other people’s visits unannounced when we were trying to keep them small and short, storming out of the house when we respectfully asked her not to hang her phone right over his head when he was sleeping and wanting to take him off me for feeding and changes when we’d just got home and I was still fairly shell shocked and wanting to try and bond/learn myself. She was never aware this was something we struggled with from our side as we never confronted her about it.

Because of lockdown, she then didn’t get to see DS very much. That and then she was separating from DIL for a long time in the same house and refused to leave her bedroom to even sit in the same room so we couldn’t take him over there.
DH tried to FaceTime her/sent lots of photos but with him being a response PC at the time and me having PND, it wasn’t as regular as she wanted and one day she decided to stop speaking to DH. Obviously everyone was in the same boat but she took it very personally as if it was an attack on her.

She hasn’t seen DS since 2020 because of this. He is now nearly 3 and has no idea who she is. DH tells me she would be like this when he was growing up - she’d randomly stop speaking to him for weeks and he’d have to make an effort to go to her to resolve whatever non issues they were.
DH tried sending messages and photos to reach out which went ignored. DS’ birthday and Christmases went ignored too. I always think, no matter what issues she may have with us, what has an innocent child, her first grandchild, done to be ignored?

We’re now expecting our second baby. DH recently talked to me and expressed life is too short and he wanted to be the bigger person so messaged her again to ask what the problem was, he apologised if there was some upset and that I was pregnant. She surprisingly replied but it was how much he’d hurt her with his actions and how he hadn’t bothered visiting her once she’d moved into her own place - she wasn’t speaking to DH at this point and ignored all of his messages, but she’d be open to speaking to him.

I fully support DH in what he wants to do but I can’t help but feel very protective of my children and can’t just forgive her ignoring DS for most of his life. I also worry that having her around, if this is her default behaviour, potentially sets them up to see an adult behaving in a manner I wouldn’t want them to see or for a lifetime of feeling guilty and having to pander to someone else to avoid upsetting them.
How can I try and be more open minded / supportive here, if she was to become part of our lives again? Or am I not being too harsh in how I feel?

DH hasn’t replied yet as he says the thought of it makes him really anxious.

DH recently talked to me and expressed life is too short

well yes, life is too short to deal with someone like this.

No news to do the ol’ mumsnet chestnut of NC. Just go with the flow, never ever allow her to have the children alone and rest assured - she will flounce off again

No need

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate some
perspective.

Unfortunately I had an abusive mother growing up which leaves me with a tendency to be a people pleaser and always feel guilty!

It does make you more sure of how you want to parent your own children though which can only be a good thing. I am fairly certain this wouldn’t be the last time she did this.

your dh also had an abusive childhood

Are you on contact with your parents?

TBH I'd remain NC with her and not let her into your children's lives as she's toxic as fuck.

Your DH is deep in FOG and needs support to keep her out if his life too, poor bloke.

Your MIL sounds a lot like mine; although sadly mine doesn’t back off and stop talking to us, she steps it up and waits outside the hospital/our house/work 🥴

I would love to go NC but DH isn’t there yet. If I was you; there’d be nothing on earth that would make me restart contact and put my children in her way. They don’t need toxic influences. I’m doing everything I can not to pass on the generational harm.

She will do this on and off for the rest of her life.
I understand your partners desire to be the better person but she sounds so toxic she’d be better off out of your lives.

Honestly I'd stay NC. I'd not want that level of toxicity in my children's lives and next time she does it (which she definitely would) it could really damage your eldest as he'd have built up a relationship by then

She made her bed so she has to lie in it. She walked out of your lives so now she doesn't get to be a part of them. Tough shit to her

Another vote for NC. I wouldn't want that toxicity around my family

I would be grateful she wasn't in a position to drift in and out of my children's lives. She is too immature to be what they deserve and they're likely to get hurt. Also your dh feeling anxious is an indicator he doesn't need this and he's been burned. He probably needs therapy not contact.

Well she doesn’t sound great but just to give a slightly different perspective, I can imagine my SIL to say similar things about my mum if she was to ever stop speaking to my brother. From my perspective though my DB is a selfish arse. He will send photos of his DD sporadically but ignore all phone calls, try to FaceTime only when my DM is at work and expect all of us (especially my DM) to send expensive gifts and show constant appreciation and praise for his DD, his promotions at work, his new car etc while never asking any questions or caring at all about anyone else's life other than his own. He knows nothing about my DM’s cancer scare, her mini promotion at work, my GM’s increasing dependency on her. Every birthday and Christmas are ignored with not even a card…

I know it’s not the same situation but your DH may not have made as much effort with her as he’s made out.

Thanks everyone - it’s helpful to hear from people outside of the situation. I just can’t forgive putting my son in that situation and making him ever feel guilty or responsible for someone else.

@Oddieconvert I speak a fair bit to my dad, he just doesn’t live very close. I keep message contact with my mum but not in any great amount. She married a much older man when I was a teenager who was emotionally abusive and physically assaulted me. She chose to stay with him despite knowing all of this and often took his side when he tried to build a wedge. She pushes to see me a lot, I would never trust her alone with my DS and struggle to be around her now I’ve had(having) my own children. She’s always played the victim and how she was a good parent because she contributed financially to me (E.g. what a parent is supposed to do for their child)