Just can’t decide what to do

[wishihadcake]

My marriage is really not great. We have a five year old. H does v little with him. He’s often angry, moody, controlling, critical. Very grumpy & joy spongey. Workaholic. I do almost everything at home & with our child. The spark is gone (for me anyway). We briefly tried counselling ages ago. He won’t go back. I’ve raised issues many times & things improve briefly then not. My tactic now is to disengage as much as I can, & make plans for me & my child without involving him & not to rely on him for affection/self esteem/ anything really. This is all pointing in one direction I know BUT our child adores him, & the idea of ending it makes me feel like a homewrecker. And he has been trying recently to do better. (I don’t think it is working but he is trying.) And I have not been perfect, can be v snappy as I regularly feel at the end of my tether. Should I re-engage, open up again (feel I have closed off my heart in self defence) & try to save things? It feels like most of the effort would be mine. But it might be worth it.

Thanks @RandomMess. Do you think I should tell the counsellor in advance I plan to do this? I am worried she will not be supportive.

Hmmm perhaps via email including that after speaking to WA you are aware he has been abusive for a long time and that you don't feel she recognises this?

Hi OP,

Well done on persevering- sounds like it's got you to a stage where you're sure of what you want.

In terms of counselling - presumably the goal was to improve the relationship so you reached a place where you could continue & thrive as a couple?

If so, doesn't sound like it's been successful for you, and your counsellor can only do so much. For me, I'd be happy that I'd tried, and given as much as could to the process, and accepted that it's help you be sure that the marriage won't work (for you).

Therefore i'd discontinue the counselling and move ahead with formalising your split.

Yes @CantFindTheBeat the counselling was supposed to be a last ditch attempt to fix things. After the first session I had a session separately on my own where I told the counsellor I had been advised not to have counselling because of possible emotions abuse & she promised to be aware. I feel she mostly has been although there was one point where I felt she enabled a bad dynamic and had to raise it.
I am sort of inclined to not involve her further as I think she might say my husband had changed lots, which is true. But I don’t feel it will ever really work.

Ditch the therapist. You aren't required to inform them of anything. Same with your husband. You don't need his permission or agreement to divorce him. See a solicitor and get papers filed. It seems like it's a massive, daunting task, but you will get through it, and it will be so worth it. Your marriage is over. Allow it to be over.

Ah I’m sorry. Your post reads like my life was.
it was along hard journey to us seoerate g, in that I also didn’t want to take the kids fork thier dad who adored each other.
we did keep trying, but once I had done what I did in that I made myself independent and self reliant as he neglected me so much, it just didn’t work.
we both agreed sadly it was iver.
but the kids have been fine and after some tearfully months from us all we have established a great life. It’s not perfect, but much happier; the kids even say that it is so much better as they can see I am happier.

maybe have one more try and then call it a day
xx

i just can’t imagine him agreeing to it or seeing it’s over. He’s got a lot more to lose than me & also is very very stubborn & set in his ways & hates change. Maybe though it’s just a question of saying it, not discussing it, as you say @Aquamarine1029

He doesn't have to see it or agree to it. Has he ever seen things from your point of view or agreed with them?

You get the paperwork filed and explain that you have E tried very hard but you don't love him and you are no longer prepared to stay married to him.

You're right @RandomMess, he hasn't...i mean he has made changes & I am sure he will insist his changes are huge & that I'm not grateful & want the moon etc...but there's deep underlying stuff that I don't think can ever make it OK again.
I'm just worried that because he won't agree it's over, he will say horrible things to our son, who adores him.

Your can’t control his reaction to it, so take the next step in reaching from him. You won’t know how he navigated it all until toy actually seperate. The fact you’re in nots over his feelings shows that things arnt heskthy between u.

u can do this XX

Much of what you are saying resonates with me. I also feel it is too little too late. I hope you find the strength to keep going as it sounds like you are completely done.

Use counselling to remind him that saying horrible things to DS is hurtful and damaging to DS, not you.

Please read "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" so you can talk to and listen to DS appropriately. Much of it "oh, why do you think Daddy said that" an strong him work out and trust his own inner voice.

Thanks for reminding me about that book @RandomMess. I read it a long time ago but I will go back to it with this in mind. That’s really helpful. Thank you.

He's never going to give you permission or be nice. He could have an affair and leave you, he would still blame and badmouth you.

Yes. I agree. I suppose when I read about people whose partners have understood it’s time for things to end I wonder if they could happen, but it doesn’t feel like it will & I think I will just try to work out how to protect my son going forward.