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Original poster

A truly wicked stepmother and an awkward wedding - How do I handle it?

45 replies

babyonboard · 30/01/2008 00:16

I considered changing my name for this but decided not to bother. If anyone I know in RL sees it then they will only sympathise, and perhaps understand the situation better.
Myself and DP are so much 'married' that we refer to ourselves as such, so I class his parents as MIL and FIL.
They divorced around three years ago, just before we had DS. It was a really sad situation, but we were all shocked when FIL suddenly moved in with a woman and they shortly afterwards bought a house together.

There was actually some history between them, but as we wanted the DC to have a good relationship with his grandfather we overlooked it and tried to establish a good relationship. It was fine at first but steadily went downhill. I put up with being practically ignored when we visited them, and being talked about as though I wasn't in the room.
I also bit my tongue when I was repeatedly accused of not feeding them properly.
The relationship has been strained, we visited them only when we really had to, so she has seen the DC only three times.
The nail in the coffin was last July when we were visited by Social Services. They had a report from a 'concerned' family member. DP knew it was her and his dad confessed it was but he had not known how to stop her. She had told them she thought our children were unhappy, and she was concerned that their best interests were not our focus.

I was fuming. I have been a sahm for over two years and my children are my life. We have been out as a couple maybe 5 times in the last year. My close family also took this personally, they said if there was any problem with our children they would be the first to know, and as they see them so much more often they are, if anyone is, in a position to judge!

We endured three weeks of spot check visits, an inspection of our home, checks of our medical records and an embarrassingly personal interview, which dug right into our childhoods, even our sex lives. We then got a letter confirming, as if we needed reassurance, that our children were safe and well cared for and no involvment was neccesary.

I actually photocopied this and sent it to them, but they have never mentioned it. We haven't seen her since and just seen FIL twice, both times it has been an 'elephant in the room' situation.

Now they are getting married in May. We are invited, and attending, but I feel very awkward about it. I know she is very bad for FIL (a man I have known since I was small as me and DP were friends from very young)
I also don't want to be in attendance to congratulate her on her 'happy day'
She has done nothing but cause trouble for us and I would be happy to never see her again.

There are more complex reasons as to why we really have to go to the wedding, but this post is so long I won't go into them.

I just wondered if anyone can advise how to play it.? (and writing it all down is very therapeutic!)

OP posts:

FAQ · 30/01/2008 00:19

oh gosh - no advice I'm afraid - but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Lauriefairycake · 30/01/2008 00:23

Why would you go ?

She has done a terrible thing to your family, really truly terrible - you're a bigger woman than I for going, whatever your reasons are

if you really have to go then I would say pretty much nothing to her and just stay with your own family in a little group - you don't need to congratulate this poisonous woman, just mutter and look away if they have a receiving line and say to fil that you wish him every happiness.

oh and be there for fil when it breaks up, sounds like he will need a lovely daughter in law like you

GooseyLoosey · 30/01/2008 00:25

wow - she sounds awful. Can you leave your dcs elsewhere for the day - not sure I would want mine to be anywhere near her.

If you have to go, I would be polite but distant on the day and try and keep out of her way as far as possible.

Is there any way you can make sure that you are sat far away from her at any dinner?

Original poster

babyonboard · 30/01/2008 00:54

I don't want DC anywhere near her either but it's complicated.
They are marrying abroad and DP's family who have never seen the DC's are traveling from another place abroad for the wedding. Obviously they know nothing about what has happened, and are really looking forward to seeing us, so we have to go.

OP posts:

dizietsma · 30/01/2008 02:01

What an awful woman What about FIL, why didn't he do anything to stop her? Why is he going to marry a woman who put his family through so much heartache when she hasn't even tried to apologise for her outrageous behaviour?

Four choices here-

Go and pretend everything is hunky dory even though you feel quite the opposite
Go and ignore her, tell everyone in the family about how awful she is and ruin her big day (this is the revenge fantasy!)
Don't go and miss out on seeing family you'd otherwise rarely see

Yeah, tough dilemma. If it were me I'd just not go and send my apologies to the rest of the family. Mention briefly to them that you don't get on with her and that's why you're not going, but don't get drawn into explanations or recriminations. Then, I'd try and book a holiday to visit these relatives another time, when you don't have to be around the stepmomster, and perhaps then you can fill them in on what happened.

slim22 · 30/01/2008 03:07

I can't even begin to understand how you'd even still be talking to them, let alone going to their wedding.

But i know there are special family circumstances too.
If I had no choice but go, I would not hesitate for one second: make sure every single person in the room knows what she did.

Tortington · 30/01/2008 03:12

i wouldnt go to a wedding of a person who tried to get my children taken away - i wouldnt care if the queen of fucking england had requested an audience with my chilren

i wouldnt go

if your d feels he has to go out of duty - fair enough - but i wouldnt let an evil bitch like that around my children or me

Buda · 30/01/2008 05:43

I wouldn't go. By going you are minimising what she did. Sod the rest of the family wanting to see your DCs. They can see them another time.

I could not physically be part of this wedding. And I would let her know exactly why.

Wonderwomannot · 30/01/2008 06:22

Babyonboard, what is your dp saying on the matter? Has he said anything to them about there contacting social services?

eidsvold · 30/01/2008 06:51

i would not go either - with custy on this - this woman tried to have your children removed from you - put you and your family through hell, disrespects you as a person and all of you as a family.

I would also lay my cards on the table with the rest of the family and say you are not going and tell them exactly why - you feel it would be hypocritcal and you cannot bring yourself to be near her.

As to the rest of the family - you owe them nothing - in fact you owe your FIL nothing - is he so weak that he feels it is all right for this woman to treat you and his OWN son like this???? He thinks it is okay for his own son to be treated like this?? Let alone a DIL he has known for a very very long time??? Obviously he supported her in this report to SS as he did not try and stop her or warn you what had happened - tbh I would be also thinking about FIL and his right to see your children!!!

And finally - no you don't have to go - you are adults - you can choose not to put your children or yourselves through an unpleasant situation - life is too short for shit like that.

sherbydrivinginhercar · 30/01/2008 06:57

I'm sorry but I wouldn't even entertain the idea of going.

I know you probably feel some obligation due to knowing your FIL for so long, but seriously this woman PHONED SS ON YOU.

Can you write a letter to FIL explaining that although you would love for him to be happy and hope that he is but that hell will freeze over before you come within 10 miles of this woman.

Freckle · 30/01/2008 07:02

I absolutely would not go. Write to another member of the family and explain that, having tried to have your children removed from you by making malicious accusations to social services, you are unable to bring your children to the wedding in case she tries anything else. I'm sure your dp's family will understand and you can arrange to meet up with them another time.

Your FIL sounds weak and ineffectual. He knew what she had done, failed to stop her and failed to warn you. You owe him nothing, although your dp may feel some filial duty to attend, in which case he can go by himself.

There is no way in the world I would put myself or my children anywhere near that woman.

sdr · 30/01/2008 07:43

Agree with Freckle. Stay away, by going you are giving her the upper-hand and next time she may try something worse. Writing to the other family is a good idea, perhaps suggest meeting up in summer somewhere.

PortAndLemon · 30/01/2008 08:04

I don't see why you need to go, and personally I would NOT be going. But as you say there are complex reasons why, do you all need to go? Could your DH go on his own?

mrsruffallo · 30/01/2008 08:05

I wouldn't go either- and your fil shoould be ashamed of himself. There is no way I could go to a wedding of someome who sent ss to investigate me.
Please- don't go anywhere near her or your fil again. If he knew she did this and was appalled why didn't he forewarn you? And why is he marrying such a vindictive person?
No, there is only so much you can sacrifice for family.
Perhaps arrange to see the other family another time?

hanaflower · 30/01/2008 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moyasmum · 30/01/2008 08:14

Your fil ,loved by you ,is choosing to marry someone you dont aprrove of ,who has hurt you out of spite,and he hasnt done anything.

Maybe you liked the fil when he was inflenced by your mil, hes weak and they deserved each other.

Dont go to the wedding,explain to him why,and to close members of your family, and dont feel any guilt or spite yourself.

Hes made his decision, you dont have to get involved in it. Protect yourself ,but dont give either of them any amunition.

Suggest dh doesnt go either,as they will use this as a way of getting between you. Hope he has guts.

crokky · 30/01/2008 08:20

There is no way I would go to this wedding.

By reporting you to SS, this woman could have destroyed your entire life and that of your DCs. SS do make mistakes - what if you had been one of them and your children were irreversably adopted and you couldn't see them EVER again? I know that this didn't happen, but IMO, this is like saying attempted murder is OK because the victim didn't die.

FIL is an adult, presumably sane - he needs to wake up, understand that what his fiancee did was shocking, disgraceful and disloyal. FIL must have a screw loose marrying a woman who tried to do that to his son's life. FIL is putting this woman before his own child and his own grandchildren - this is grounds for him to never see either ever again unless this woman is dumped. I can see that FIL couldn't stop her making the phone call, but he could make her pay for her actions by dumping her. How weak he must be.

I don't know what your complex reasons are for needing to attend this wedding, but if they are that complex, I would feign illness or something at the last minute if you can't pull out now. I really think you shouldn't go. What does this woman have to do before you will cut her out of your life? I can see you must be a very nice person by rising above something extremely nasty that someone has done to you, but I think, in this case, her crime was so serious, you must cut her out of your life.

Hecate · 30/01/2008 08:22

On the other hand, if you don't go she has private access to all these people. And she can tell them tales of how awful you are, things you've done and said, the reason you refused to come to the wedding is that you hate her and have done X, Y, Z.....

Whether they'd believe her or not I obviously have no idea. But I'd be wary of giving her an opportunity to slip poison in.

Far better to go

and lace her food with laxatives

Paddlechick666 · 30/01/2008 08:22

Would it be possible to go and see the other family members and treat it like a holiday but not actually go to the wedding?

This would make the biggest statement of how you feel about her and tht you won't allow her to bully you or intimidate you.

You can choose what and how much to tell the other family about why you're not going to the wedding.

noddyholder · 30/01/2008 08:24

Don't go you can't let this woman think her behaviour is normal or acceptible.She sounds crazy why didn't she talk to you about the kids instead of going to social services?She sounds unpredictible

SaltireOShanter · 30/01/2008 08:27

I feel the same as Custy, no way would I go the wedding of someone who tried to amke my children from me. In fact, if I did go I would be so angry and drunk that I would want to punch her - and I'm not violent as a rule!
Also, i would tell all the other family memeber what happened. Then they can visit you at another time. i also wouldn't let the DC near either your PIL (who I cannot believe has stood by this woman after all she has done) or step MIL.

TheBlonde · 30/01/2008 08:48

I would not go

AnneMayesR · 30/01/2008 08:56

My younger BIL made a false report to SS about me the day after I kicked him out of my home. He had been sponging off of us for 2 years and refused to leave up until that point. He and his friends would come in and trash the house and I have young kids.

The day after I kicked him out he phoned SS but the stuff he told them was so "out there" that they had a laugh at him really. I still had to go through a lot as a result though. But they could tell he was full of crap before they even spoke to me.

We are BIL's only family and have completely cut him out of our and our children's lives. It is like he is dead. We do not even acknowledge his existance.

I wouldn't go.

1sue1 · 30/01/2008 09:16

I would go and see this evil woman and tell her exactly what you think of her, take hubby and children with you so everyone knows the score and say it in front of fil too.

I would then say to fil that you will never be stepping foot in his home again as long as he is with her, if he wants to see you or kids he can visit.

I would also phone the other family members who were hoping to meet you at wedding and explain the whole thing to them. Family secrets do more harm than good, so i would be upfront about the whole thing, after all you have done nothing wrong.

I learnt years ago not to do things I didn't want just to please other people...you clearly do not wish to go to this wedding-so don't.

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