Self sabotage or him.

[Hottimesahead]

Had a few posts about current partner and been thinking about advice given and I think it’s me self sabotaging. Just don’t feel secure, but wonder if it’s a me issue rather than him.

I have been with him for 8 months . Met family and are exclusive. Happy to see him, but get grumpy if I don’t get attention ruin (not needy person) if I don’t see it hear from him. Both mid forties and no kids. Both live around 40 mins drive and over a hour in rush hour and have stressful busy jobs in an office where we live. Not practical to do this loads during the week.

we see each other around 2 times a week. One of us commutes mid week and take turns at weekends to stay over at each others. We knew long distance would be hard but making it work. Talked about moving in together in the next 6 months. I am selling my house after Xmas and probably stay at his as a trial to then look to buy halfway between both works.

he used to be really consistent with contact. Morning texts and a few check ins during the day and maybe phone call few times a week. Lovely stuff said in texts. This has reduced dramatically to a few texts after work. However he is working long hours and is stressed, not sleeping and says he is going to bed at 9pm. But in person he is very affectionate and says lovely things. Feel loved when I see him.

this weekend he was coming to mine to do an event. Assumed he would be staying over. Told me last night he won’t stay over as needs to be at church tomorrow for parade - forgot. I said I could go to him and go with him. He replied sure dress smart for the parade then pub after. Just feel he could have suggested that.

my feelings of self sabotage arose. Why didn’t he say beforehand and suggest this. Doesn’t he want me there? I was also arranging Xmas with my family up north. He said he wasn’t doing anything so I invited him. Took him till I was arranging train tickets to say he was coming. I asked only twice as didn’t want to hassle him. Would he ace if he was there but equally he has his own family so no pressure. just felt he wasn’t keen to spend time with me and didn’t say yes at the ask.

Lovely texts gone just factual stuff now. I sent lovely texts to him and no reply. So is this normal? Last relationship was toxic and he faded me out-took a while to recover. I normally jump ship when I feel like this and don’t change my mind. A few guys told me after I was wrong and they did like me. I had ended it too soon as I had judged the relationship on how interaction was at the start and not in a routine with busy lives.

My friends tell me current guy is great and I have nothing to worry about. I just like the start of a relationship with the excitement and struggle to adjust to normality. They say it’s clear he loves me and cares for me.

Just can’t decide if I am adjusting to how he is now to the excitement at the start. He is the longest guy I have been out with for a few years, so something is obviously keeping me here. I do love him, just want more contact with him and not feel like he is seeing me for a shag. Had this is the past. Am I right to feel this way or self sabotaging?

Slow down, 8 months in and planning to sell your house and move in with him in next 6 months is a tad hasty. What if it doesn't work out when you move in? Starting again minus a house, when mortgage interest rates are on the rise, is a big financial risk. Have you noticed you alone are taking the risk? Could you not plan to rent out your house so you still have it should the worst happen?
It could be that you are a natural worrier and analyser of relationships, it could equally be that the balance of effort is much more on your side, which is causing anxiety.
You won't know which it is until further down the line, it's just too early on to tell if this is a new normal in communication, or if his feelings have indeed gone off the boil. I had this to a degree in my last relationship. Seemed fine in person, but something didn't sit right when apart, however, still got the goodnight and morning communications, right up to the end - if that had gone, I'd of questioned it all sooner. His attentions were indeed elsewhere, this became more obvious in time.
I'd say a big clue could be in what his past relationship/dating history is like. If he's had a run of short term things, be cautious. Some people don't have staying power, which is why they are still single when older - not all, but it takes time to suss this out.

How you find out, is by holding back on the effort and seeing if he steps up. Less prompting with arrangements, less wangling it so that you get maximum possible time with him. Be a bit less available and see if he notices and misses you. If he seems to not be bothered, you have an indication that he's just not that into it anymore.

@Opentooffers my house has many issues and unusual. May take ages to sell it quick. I want to be chain free. Rents are crazy. Moving in was a short fix and if it doesn’t work out I rent or buy somewhere. We said 3 months trial. We earn enough and will have paperwork put in place to assure out deposits.

past history is married once for 3 years. 12 year relationship and a few short term. Me always year then I end it.

@Opentooffers i am trying. It’s hard as I am wondering why he is not communicating. Getting annoyed today as he was suppose to be over for 11. Texted at 10:45 to say running late. Shower and leaving. Still not here. He used to he early

It sounds like he's not as keen, tbh.

I wouldn't plan to move in with him, I think you're on the fade-out stage and that he just hasn't the courage to say so, or he's just drifting along with it because he's not found the next thing yet.

‘I just like the start of a relationship with the excitement and struggle to adjust to normality’

OP - you summarised your own issue well. And given that in the past you already went through this and jumped too early - maybe try to relax?

Its been 8 months, you both have lives, he is stressed about work. Most importantly - you are in a relationship, feel loved when together and things are progressing.

You want some sort of constant excitement and being propped up by verbal expression of affection? Feels a bit need needy.

He texted you he was running late. Unless he is always late - getting annoyed that he used to be early and now his lateness is some expression about his lack of feelings for you feels strange and immature.
So is getting annoyed that he didn’t suggest you come over to his church thing.

I have been with him for 8 months
DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE TO BE WITH THIS MAN.

Lovely texts gone just factual stuff now. I sent lovely texts to him and no reply. So is this normal?
What is "normal"? It's different for every person & thus every couple.
Can you talk to him about wanting more message contact, & more affection?
How do you feel he would respond?
If you can't talk to him directly & clearly about this 0 he is not the man for you.

Last relationship was toxic and he faded me out-took a while to recover.
I'm so sorry. Please don't allow your wish to be in a committed relationship make you accept any less affection/comms/emotional support.whatever from a partner.
But also - don't trap yourself in assumptions. Until you talk to your partner openly & tell him what you want from the relationship, all you are doing is second guessing. And that's not healthy.

I normally jump ship when I feel like this and don’t change my mind. A few guys told me after I was wrong and they did like me.
Those few guys were bullshitting you.
You responded to their ACTIONS by ending it.
They responded by giving you a load of WORDS.
They were saving face, or having the last words, or trying to put you in the wrong. Theyr words after the event didn't change how they had chosen to act previously, did they?

I had ended it too soon as I had judged the relationship on how interaction was at the start and not in a routine with busy lives.
Worth thinking about, but stop fixating on what OTHER people think is normal or routine comms interactions.
What's important is what level of comms YOU would feel happy with. You need to tell your partner this, & allow him to decide whether that also works for him.

And for crying out loud - putting your house up for sale for a man you've known EIGHT SCANT MONTHS & whose commitment you are already having doubts about is MADNESS. Hold tight to your house & think about how valuable your independence & security is. Don't blow all of that to relocate to a new place where you feel unsure of your partner's commitment & are now living distant from from friends/family ... without a house to call your own.

@category12 thats my fear. my skin is a mess and I have put on weight due to medication. Not looking like myself.

@MMmomDD I do need to relax. Normally so confident in my life. Feel needy and I don’t like this version on me at all.

@KettrickenSmiled have talked. He says he is tired and constantly in meeting till late so can’t use his phone much why he phoned me

my house sell was planned for January ages ago. Just happened to meet him and progressing. Seems next move. I won’t lose my independence as if not working will move out and rent. Keep financial stuff separate