(Very) part-time lover - is it enough?

[Rockingchai]

I am a single parent of a child with special needs and challenging behaviour. I split from his other parent two years ago and he sees my son rarely now (his choice). I never thought I would be able to have a relationship again, until my son was grown up - but a year ago I met a man by chance, who lives three and a half hours drive away.

Beyond all my expectations we are still together. The sex is amazing and I am so grateful to have found this side of myself again, after years in a sexless relationship. When we are together, we love each other’s company. We go out dancing, just enjoy walks and being together. I completely trust him to be faithful.

The downside is that he has a LOT of other social commitments and I often feel unprioritised. I have to do all the planning. He doesn’t think ahead to when/how we will spend time together and this upsets me. I find myself being angry/needy/whiny about his making commitments that shorten our weekends together or mean we can’t see each other for a few weeks at a time. He’s not a texter and can be off grid for a few days. But we were are together, he’s completely focussed on me. And I wouldn’t want a needy partner, I suppose his independence is part of the attraction for me.

I can’t have a full-time relationship given my son’s needs. I could never have someone else move in with me while my son is at home. So in many ways this is the only kind of relationship I could have and it’s good in that my day to day life with my son remains the same as it ever was.

I’m 48, he’s 51. Should we drift on like this indefinitely? Should I just accept it for what it is, and be grateful for the positives? And try to keep my angst to myself? He will never change.

It totally depends on what you want.

I am in a similar situation. We live very far apart and see each other, maybe monthly.
But the time together is excellent.
Circumstances mean we won't be together for many years.

I don't want anyone involved with my children. I don't want to live day to day life with him now.

I value the time we have together as it is a break from my dull,day to day life.
He makes me feel valued .
Any planned time is sacred. He wouldn't cut it short.

Can you cope if he agreed that time planned together is absolutely set in stone?
Does he understand how valuable your time is?
Will he do hard journeys to see you?

It's a hard thing to do. I question myself all the time. I would not put up with our rare times together being curtailed by anything.

I hope you can work things out.

I also have an sen son and a part time lover !
see him once a week
not blending lives at all

I also have wobbles
but I’ve decided to accept it for what it is and for now - it brings joy into my life

Only you can decide. In reality it's a more of a FWB relationship albeit an exclusive one.
You say you can't have a full time relationship at present so what else do you need from him? I don't understand the going off grid, it's easy enough for him to send a couple of texts every day. Perhaps a chat about communication between meeting up might help?

I personally want ALL or nothing.

I wouldn't like a long time distance for long.

You limit yourself with negative predictions about living together and having full-time relations.

The main question is: would he ever cope living with your son's needs?

In your situation with what you have described, I think I would be ok with what it brings to your life but would say that I want more communication. No going off grid for days. That looks like someone who just values you for sex rather than for who you are.

I would just take is as it is. It gives you pleasure, a sense of self and company. It is clearly for him a compartment in his life, so just make him one in yours and don't place too much reliance on him. If you really want something long term maybe look closer to home.

You can't really have it both ways - he's very much got his own life and if he didn't, it would be a pain in the arse.

I would speak to him about more communication between times, but otherwise it seems like an almost ideal scenario for you.

It's not the main question at all!
It's OUT OF THE QUESTION.

I can’t have a full-time relationship given my son’s needs. I could never have someone else move in with me while my son is at home. So in many ways this is the only kind of relationship I could have and it’s good in that my day to day life with my son remains the same as it ever was.

You impose many constraints on the relationship, so it is a bit unreasonable to be complain about his adaptation to the situation that is largely built upon your logistical limitations.

Have you had a discussion around exclusivity and monogamy? He may be very fond of you, but it sounds more like a FWB situation than an actual relationship. You say that you trust him to be faithful, but to what is he being faithful.

You sound like a lovely woman and he sounds like a lovely man. It seems as you meet up for very pleasant interludes and then go back to your everyday lives.

Neither of you are making room in your every day lives for the other. You seem to believe that you can't make room in your life, and he may not feel any need to make room for you in his life.

If you can be satisfied with things as they are, then your life can continue on with these pleasant interludes

Should we drift on like this indefinitely?

Drift. That says it all really. Are you really happy to just drift through life?

If you're at a stage where you accept that it's all just a bit of fun and you're never going to marry this guy or have your families blended together then all good.

But you've already mentioned that you can get quite needy. That will only get worse as time goes on. You'll get more attached, more likely to moan that he doesn't put enough effort in, he will find it off-putting, he'll pull away, you'll feel more insecure.

How will you feel when he turns around and says he's met someone else? As that is a very real possibility. Would you be a hurt?

Ultimately, it's all about what YOU want out of this in the long-term. Personally, I'd walk away before you're in too deep and end up heartbroken.

I don't think it's the case that op will inevitably get more "needy" with time and he'll inevitably pull away.

I've found with my Living Apart relationship that with time, I've lost much of the early insecurity or "neediness" I had, because I'm confident of where we are and he's consistent. I'm content and secure with what we have.

Because it doesn't fit with the conventional view of relationships, where you're on an escalator to ever more entwined lives, you can feel a bit insecure and like it's not a proper relationship because it's not on that track. But if it's the kind of relationship you need and that suits you, that settles down.

As long as he's happy with having a living apart relationship, there's no reason it can't work.

It sounds like it's a style of relationship that suits them both.

Thank you for all of your responses - I’ve never posted before and I honestly didn’t think anyone would reply - my “problem” is pretty boring.

it’s interesting that other people are in a similar situation and ok with it. Most of the time I am more than ok with mine. The last few months I have been feeling more secure and I do hope the wobbles will settle rather than get worse - but who knows. He’s definitely fine with a living apart relationship, having had two marriages, the last one for 23 years, and as I said he has so many other social things going on, so the arrangements do suit us both for our own different reasons.

it’s definitely not FWB - it’s a very romantic relationship, even at a distance. What is he being faithful to? Interesting question. He likes to think that the future may hold us living together but many years away. I’m not really able to think so many years ahead, given the situation with my son.

Yes his occasional lack of communication and lack of planning around our future weekends does get to me at times. I honestly think this is how he is and he won’t change. But this is balanced against him being very steady, reliable when dates are set, trustworthy and completely focussed on me when we are together. I have no doubt that he finds me beautiful and sexy and this is a lovely feeling, the sex may possibly be the best of my life and I didn’t expect to find a new lease of passion in my life at this age and stage. I had actually thought I’d put sex behind me!

I’ll just have to see where life takes us and enjoy it for what it is.

Another plus of Living apart, it does help keep the sex and romance side fresh. :)

You have answered your own question here O.P, you obviously trust him and feel he enhances your life, so in that case keep on as you are. I still feel an increase in comms during the time you don't see him would be an added bonus though, so maybe you can encourage that. Personally I think a living apart together relationship sounds ideal!