My parents' marriage is toxic, how to not get swallowed up in how depressing it is?

[ohnjko]

My parents' marriage is toxic. Constant snapping at each other, emotional abuse, bringing me into their arguments.

I don't want to say 'Mum' or 'Dad' as I'm trying to keep this as vague as possible to prevent it being too outing, so please bear with me.

There's something wrong with Parent A. I'm not sure what, but they are very emotionally immature and volatile. They don't understand that they are emotionally abusive, and they have a very immature perception of things. They have no concept of how their behaviour affects other people, and are very selfish with very low self-esteem, if you say anything that is about to hurt their ego they will erupt in anger. Afterwards, they will be happy as larry without understanding that what they did was wrong. There's no apology or repercussions, it just gets brushed under the carpet.

Parent B has just kept their head down and got on with things. However, lately they have realised how awful and toxic their situation is and they have gone from feeling stuck/just tolerating it to wanting to change things.

I'm scared. Parent A hasn't worked due to health issues and is completely financially dependent on Parent B. They have quite literally nowhere to go and not a penny to their name. As you can imagine with how their behaviour is I'm not exactly jumping at the opportunity to help them out or let them move in with me.

I'm finding it all so draining and upsetting. I'm heartbroken for Parent B, but worried for Parent A. I feel constantly on edge just waiting for it to all implode.

Does anyone have any advice?

Start with CAST IRON boundaries for you. This, despite your feelings towards them, is NOT your problem.

Can you afford counselling for yourself to work on your boundaries? Remember the only thing you can control is yourself.

What @ApexLegend says.

This is not your problem to solve. They’re both adults who have made their own choice in life. If one parent is left in a vicarious situation because the other has left due to their abuse. That’s on them.

you must prioritise yourself.

Most of the time in your parent's generation it was a Mum and a woman who wasn't working and is now financially vulnerable.

Parent A can get a council place and benefits and find a part-time job if she/he can work.

Parent B can start a divorce and divide family assets mutually or with court proceedings.

How long have they been married?

This is my parents OP. They compounded issues by emigrating. After one awful visit to us 6 years ago, I broke and told them they needed help. As a result I was chucked out of the family system and there's no contact.

At the time I was so upset and still am to some extent.

But I'm not witnessing them be abusive to one another or abusive to me nor am I having to manage them. It was the best solution to a hard situation.

I feel for you.

You need to not get involved. It’s their marriage, so they need to sort it out, or not. You need to set your own boundaries so that it no longer affects you. Stay strong.

Well firstly, I'm hoping that you no longer live with them...but if you do, you need to get out as soon as possible.

Secondly, as others have posted, this isn't your problem to solve, it's their marriage, their problems. Do not let either of them use you as a therapist, sounding board etc...if they try, remind them that you are a product of both of them, so it's totally inappropriate for them to visit their problems on you.

My mother was parent A (although she did not have any health problems that prevented her from working, she just didn't for 20 years), my father parent B. Ultimately my father waited until his youngest turned 18 and then left my mother.

Your GP can also get you in a queue for a few weeks or months for NHS counselling.

I hope for your sake parent A won't expect to live with you. Do not, under any circumstances, let this happen.

Are you an adult OP? I wasn't sure from your post. Your are in up to your neck though either way. You need to step out of it. Don't be a sounding board for either of them. They are adults and capable of making choices, their current situation is as a direct result of a series of choices which are not your business or your responsibility to solve. Good luck.

I’m in the exact situation but I live with it everyday. It’s just getting worst and worst. I don’t have enough $ to move out as everything is so expensive. I tried talking about counselling for my dad and no. It started 21 years ago with yelling constantly and my mom just dealing. Now 21 years later mom’s done and now it’s emotional abuse everyday and I’m the oldest so my parents come talk to me. I don’t say much, I just say I’m not getting involved but I still make sure they are okay. My mom at the verge of having a huge mental breakdown bigger than ever and I’m scared it’s just worrying me and my dad well he’s just scrubs everything off doesn’t realize what he’s doing, how loud he is, how fast he gets mad, how he controls and watches over us. And he thinks we’re just loosing it. Please can cost just go down so we can just move out and not be trapped. And honestly it’s not really just in between my parents I’m so done with my dad’s controlling and watching every move I do and yelling. I’ve lived with this my whole life and I know my dad went through some bad stuff in his childhood but he’s an adult now grow up. I went threw stuff too same thing almost diffrent situations I go see counselling I worked on myself if he doesn’t want to try and work on hm self I’m done

You have to get to a point where you realise that they are adults and have made their own choices.

Only they can change their lives. Nothing you do or say can change it.

I used to be really sad about my Dad and felt that he wasted his potential, until I had to let that thought go. Thinking it and feeling it, didn't change anything. So why hang on to it.

Since letting that go, I am lighter and see so much good in my Dad, even if his life is very small. That's okay.