Did you grow up in foster care? What was your relationship like with your foster family/siblings?

[Zrt]

I had two foster families. One horrendous and one great. Only the great one told me in later years that I'd been 'difficult' and this popped my love bubble for them. My foster brother (also a foster child) was violent and nasty. My good foster parents came to my wedding which was great. But I haven't seen/spoken to them since the 'difficult' comment.

How old are you, OP?
I was fostered a long time ago (I'm in my 60s) and my foster carers thought I was difficult too, mainly because they subscribed to the “blank sheet” philosophy, which has been throughly discredited
It took me a while but I got to a point when I could appreciate their love and care for me, although they got some things wrong.
An important part of it was that I still felt loved.

What's the blank sheet philosophy @Giggorata ? I'm in my midlife, so this was decades ago.

It was a belief applied to children who were adopted or fostered at a young age, that you are born with your mind as a blank slate and you learn all your behavior from the environment you live in, so being brought up in a “better” home with “better” parenting would produce well adjusted people with better outcomes.
It largely discounted genetics, biology or early experiences - at least the way my foster careers applied it.
Therefore they were puzzled and worried about my behaviours and later, my rebellion.

I wasn't fostered, so I understand that my comment may be naive.

I'm thinking that fostered children have already had a traumatic start in life, before they get to their foster family. Children who have had difficult experiences are often difficult. That's ok, surely? It doesn't diminish you as a person, or shouldn't. Frankly, children raised by their birth parents can be very difficult at home and school, especially, for example, if they experience bullying or other traumatic experiences.

I understand why you are sensitive and am not sure if other things were said. But it seems you have hugely overreacted.

Difficult could mean anything. Read all the threads on mumsnet-toddlers are difficult, teenagers are difficult. Difficult doesnt mean naughty necessarily it can mean any behaviour that is hard to deal with or support a child through. Like being secretive, hiding food, not sharing their emotions, having a temper when upset (justifiably).

I imagine fostering is very rewarding but really hard. And being fostered is such a tough start in life. You said they were great and you know first hand there are rubbish ones out there. Dont cut them off over this it they have been kind stable adults in your life.

If you really are hurting call round for a cuppa and explain you are hurting and ask them to explain what they meant.

I'm not fostered but involved on the professional side. The comment about you being difficult depends on the context - did you ask them how you were as a child? Perhaps they thought you wanted to know the truth rather them lying.

I'm very honest with my own children, my eldest knows she was a nightmare. I understand that you are more sensitive to comments than those raised with birth families but context is everything

My DC are late teens, when they are mature adults I would be open about their behaviour/actions that I found "difficult".

Your foster parents found parenting you "difficult" probably because you were challenging to parent but they stuck with you, cared and loved you - they chose to carry on fostering you.

It's really sad that you distanced yourself due to that comment, they clearly didn't realise you weren't ready/able to hear it.

I am a birth parent and a foster carer.

I found my birth daughter very difficult in her earlier years. She was a very unsettled baby who hated sleep and she seemed to never be happy. I loved and continue to love her to bits, but she 100% was a difficult baby and toddler.

Being a foster parent is challenging. The wee ones have had a hard start in life and that has it's consequences. Adverse childhood experiences are known for impacting upon attachment styles and behaviours.

I lost a parent in my childhood, and was a very depressed, angry, difficult teenager.

My mum constantly tells me I was the most 'difficult' child, and uses that exact term. Tbf I probably was, teenage girl, strong opinions, lots of hormones!

She doesn't mean it to be unkind it's just her remembering parenting her children. I roll my eyes at her!

I think it's so sad you've distanced yourself over this. I hope you can get this sorted.

Just to add I completely understand that as a foster child you'd be more sensitive but I guess I'm just trying to say that the 'difficult' comment is quite common when parents (however they came to be parents) talk to their adult children about their experiences of parenting.

I think you have massively overreacted there and potentially lost a loving, supportive family relationship.

The 'popped my love bubble' comment was interesting. Do you have a tendency to idealise people then devalue them? This can be really common with people who have trauma and attachment issues. I hope you're able to get therapeutic support with this stuff OP. Otherwise it's likely to be a pattern that will repeat in other relationships over time. We're all just fallible human beings but most people are doing the best they can 💙 That includes you AND your foster carers.

I think it's pretty normal for biological parents to describe kids as difficult when discussing childhood in retrospect. Being a parent is difficult and kids can be very baffling! I would tell my son when he grows up that he was a 'difficult' baby because his sleep was so bad. Doesn't mean I don't love him to pieces and think the world of him.

I had a number of 'foster' families before being part of an open adoption. Some of them were just a number of weeks or until I stole something. I look back on it as being a bit of a blur. I went to a family who's own natural children hated me as the family was generally poor and only took in children as a means of income. They would eye up my plate like I was taking it out of their mouths. I deliberately left the taps running and brought the ceiling down below the bathroom. It got me placed with another family that were kinder. I was eventually placed in an 'open adoption' with an older adopted sibling that was profoundly autistic. My relationship with him was pretty awful, I couldn't understand his outbursts and found myself on the end of many beatings. So many situations but I still consider myself lucky I was never sexually abused as quite a few people I've met as an adult. I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

I went into care in my teens, and have a strong relationship with my foster mom.

as a foster kid it is really hard to trust the relationship- you have had experience of what should have been an unbreakable relationship (parent -child) falling apart. I remember being constantly vigilant for signs that they didn’t want me, and though it is more secure now 20+ years on, I am still sensitive to any perceived sign that they might not be as invested in the relationship as I am.

I love my foster mom and rely upon ongoing emotional support / highly value the relationship, but I think in some circumstances there is no fixing the damage that occurred when the original parent-child bond was broken. I have found something better than I had, but can never see any relationship as permanent/ inviolable.

Oh sweetheart
find me a foster child or even a child adopted later in years who won’t be difficult

it’s 100% inevitable that the trauma will out

I’m sorry this is hurting you
my sons difficult too
and he knows he’s not an easy child

but I wouldn’t read difficult to mean unpleasant or or not cared for

maybe you need to have a talk with them

You were “difficult” yet still they loved you and stuck with you. Remember that.

I foster and was fostered. I hope I do it better than was done to me (in fact I know I do else I'd stop fostering). I think lots of kids, fostered or not, go through a phase of being difficult, but it doesn't mean they didn't love you. Every time one of mine leaves a bit of my heart goes with them too.

I have a foster sister. We still keep in touch and I’ve always thought of her as my ‘big sister’. I was only about 4/5 when she lived with us and she was about 15. Sometimes my mum would let her take me out which was always fun. She stayed with us until she left the care system and we moved to a different town. My parents said she could come with us but she wanted to stay near her family.

I know it's so easy for me to say but I really wouldn't let being described as a difficult child ruin your relationship with your foster family. My biological brother (and our parents' bio son) was extremely difficult as a youngster. Constant meltdowns from birth onwards. Until he hit secondary school age when my mum says it was like a switch flipped. They always loved him though, and of course still do.