No fair on me/normal?!

[WineNdined]

Sorry, didn’t really know how to title

but I’m looking for perspective on a problem within my relationship. In short I work in a career I’ve had to work hard to get (2 degrees) my DH has never really had a career just low paying jobs. For background he did go to Uni but left after a year to be with/provide for a girl and her child (plot twist -that didn’t work out) this is something he regrets deeply.

Anyway, problem is he’s massively insecure (which he denies). When I start new jobs I get “subtly” grilled on any men who work there, or dare I mention one in conversation it’s as if I’m going to run off with them. Note the “subtly” because if I said that directly he’d deny that. He’s clearly very threatened by any man.

Also any argument we have he’ll say the likes of “sorry I’m not a …..(insert professions of my colleagues)”.

This behaviour isn’t normal or fair me on me is? I feel silly to even ask but if I’m honest I feel so far removed from what normal actually is in a relationship now!

He's clearly got a chip on his shoulder about not having a high powered/professional career, and the insecurity about other men could be trauma based if he's been cheated on previously - he may not be aware he's doing it.

Have you spoken to him about it at a calm time, i.e. not in the heat of an argument?

Not it's not normal at all. He is obviously threatened by you.

I’ve tried to speak about it calm. He basically denies everything then turns it into an argument.

Does he not respect your point of view, then? Because if that's the case, your problem isn't about what you think it's about.

How can he argue with you if you're telling him how you feel?

He's either very insecure or very controlling, either isn't a good personality trait.

My exdh would be like this, he wanted me to have the good job, well paid job, but would grill me about the men I worked with. It was part of the reason I left as it then morphed into him checking the mileage on my car, my mobile phone and he became very emotionally abusive, he would accuse me of having an affair and wanting to sleep with any man I spoke to or even looked at.

If he's not willing to see it's an issue or go to counciling then I'm not sore how you can get past this, it's no way to live

I feel like he’s very insecure which in turn makes him controlling

Why does it have to be normal or fair? Those things don't have anything to do with anything.

You don't like it. If you tell him it makes you unhappy and he keeps doing it, he values doing it over your happiness.

He sounds abusive
Why are you still married?

You know this isn't fair or normal.

It's abusive and controlling.

It's concerning and a testament to how ground down by this relationship you are that you feel you need validation from strangers that your partner being unsupportive, controlling and jealous isn't acceptable.

A relationship like this, with a man like this, can never be happy or healthy. He doesn't want it to be. He wants you to do what he wants you to do and sees any deviation from that as an affront to him because when it comes down to it, he thinks you should do as you're told.

Men like him hate women. Especially women with choices. Which is why he's ground you down and made you feel like you don't have a choice, you have a duty to stay with him.

You don't.

You have a duty to yourself to leave him.

Do you have children? Or plan to have them? If so you also have a duty to them to not expose them to this dynamic, or they too will think it's normal and acceptable making them more likely to replicate it in future.

Well there's nothing you can do about it. You can't wave a magic wand and make your qualifications disappear, can you?

You can't control what goes on in his head. If he is feeling insecure and jealous of the men you work with, and thinks you are going to dump him for one of them, no amount of reasoning with him is going to change that.

You have two choices. Either you stay in this relationship and put up with this jealous controlling behaviour, or you call it a day.

🚩🚩🚩

FFS, why are you with this controlling, insecure, insufferable idiot?

RAISE THE BAR. You should not be tolerating this bullshit.

You're punching far too low. Aim high!

Get rid and be happy. He’s awful.

You need to tell him that his insecure controlling ness is making you want to leave. Dont argue about whether he is or isn’t subtly controlling you, just get that key point across and then let him take it on board.

Actually no, everyone else is right - just leave him.

It (abusive tendencies) will only get worse and I’d give up on this relationship.

Don't have dcs with him!

Huge red flags all over this.

Oh god, I couldn’t tolerate this. My first serious boyfriend was jealous and insecure and it ground me down badly. I started a new job and couldn’t even tell him I was being trained by a man because the questions and accusations would have been never ending. He slit his wrist once because I had a very tame works night out that I had to go to. I now have zero tolerance for this kind of inadequacy.

He needs to get therapy for his insecurities, or you need to seriously consider leaving.

I think I know what I need to do next, thanks for the helpful comments