How to disagree fairly in front of children

[blueberry23]

We have a nearly two year old and another on the way.

90% of the time our marriage is fantastic

But thank 10% it's not is starting to become a deal breaker for me.

We seem to be incapable of disagreeing without my DH becoming angry - raising his voice, and calling me names. Tonight in front of our child he called me an idiot and stupid. He also swears.

I'm just at my wits end. He's now stonewalling me (another terrible habit of his) and refusing to discuss and resolve so this will now flood over in to the weekend as I never feel we discuss or resolve anything, he just gives me the silent treatment for a while and I pretend to just get on as normal until he comes out of his mood.

I never raise my voice, I don't swear or call names. I grew up in a household like that and I would never do that when my children are around.

If I can manage to hold my temper why can't he? He's refusing to have anger management as he's saying it's not very often, he doesn't shout really loud or throw things, so he doesn't believe his bad habits require any outside help.

He says I'm passive aggressive but i fail to understand why he thinks this. I believe I just stay calm and refuse to engage in raised voices etc.

His lack of understanding the importance of our child and unborn child not being around him swearing and calling me names is starting to push me away.

Any ideas on how to deal with this? This is not a LTB situation. We have a really content and happy home but I want us to be able to disagree in a healthy way.

Well done @blueberry23 . If he refuses to go it might be that you and the LO have to for a time. I know he’s not currently violent but please be careful.

I know @Watchkeys and I daresay my approach wasn’t the right one. But I think most people want to make sure they’ve given their partner an opportunity to change before they call it quits permanently.

This does not sound a happy situation. He's a verbally abusive arse and children should not be around it.

I think an open and honest conversation is necessary.

Yes, it will be very uncomfortable and you might both get angry but there is no alternative.
Pick your moment, when you are both rested and calm...you say it is brilliant 90% of the time, so that wont be a problem. Tell him it's very upsetting to you, and it is a deal breaker. Talk about how you can both manage conflict. Set boundaries. He should immediately stop.

If he doesn't then there is a bigger problem. x

@jevoudrais c'est mon propos.

That's different from years of talking/counselling/taking ages to get them to understand.

Giving them an opportunity to change involves stating that something they do isn't acceptable to you, and if they keep doing it, you leave, having given them that opportunity.

Those years you spent, for OP, would be years of poor relationship behaviour in front of her kids during very formative years. It's not ok to put them through this.

Do you want to be treading on eggshells for the rest of your life? Do you want your kids to have to do the same? Think about when your kids leave home and think about when you both retire. What about if one of you ends up with health issues! Do you really want to rely on him when you are going through stressful times?

Does your husband loose his temper with other people or does he only show his temper to you?

What about when your children call you idot and stupid because they've heard it from him.

Yes @Watchkeys I agree that if it consistently happening in front of the children that’s a red line. For me it only happened in front of the kids once or twice. The worst of the anger disappeared quickly once he really grasped I wouldn’t tolerate it, but the arguing constructively took a lot longer. Partly because I had my own issues :)

But @blueberry23 I think you should be able to judge very quickly whether your DP can stop this. It would also be worth reflecting on whether the relationship has always been like this and if so, why you tolerated it for so long.

And unfortunately the stonewalling is a really bad sign. If he won’t admit fault or even discuss it, how can things change?

It's a red flag when your partner gets verbally abusive. As in they say you are wrong because you are an XYZ rather than your argument is wrong because of XYZ. Rule out a treatable medical/mental addiction problem and unfortunately it's not promising in the long term.

Sounds like he only sees things from his own point of view and thinks he’s right and you’re wrong end of story.

That’s not good. I’d suggest he’s not the one for you. Sorry.

This may be bad advice. But if you’re sure he’s not dangerous…..Maybe next time you shout back at him - with you cursing and swearing full throttle.

If he is shocked at you doing this then you say to him ‘see how shocked you are. That’s what the kids feel when you shout at me. They shouldn’t be exposed to that. We need to discuss things in a way that doesn’t involve this’.

The other response you might get is a backhander across the face.

At least then you know you need to be apart before he does it again. But I’d suggest he’ll blame you for swearing and shouting and ‘making him’ hit you that you’re the bad one…

Oh he’s going nowhere - he will not leave the house if you ask him - his response told you this. He’s abusive and takes no responsibility sadly. He may escalate his behaviour. You are vulnerable. Please let family members know so you have support.

warned him tonight that if he ever swears at me or calls me names in front of our child again he will be asked to pack a bag and leave.
He roebuttled that with - I'm not going anywhere, you can leave.

Classic like he read the playbook
Have a serious look into where you and dc could go
Your house is not happy and content
Read lundy bancroft

What are you disagreeing about?
Give an example

@cestlavielife this evening it was about me getting home with DC (pregnant and exhausted) after he'd had an afternoon at home alone (got home from work early) and him immediately suggesting he was going to go and do something for himself - it wound me up - I said no chance, I need a break, he got defensive, said I was 'in a shit mood as usual' - escalated from there

This is not a happy and content home, I feel desperately sad for you, your DC and your unborn DC. And 'telling your DH to pack his bags and go' sadly isn't going to work. He's not going to meekly pack a bag and leave the house is he? You need to make your own plans to end this marriage. You can't change someone else's behaviour... you can only change your own reaction to their behaviour.

This is not a LTB situation. We have a really content and happy home.

oh dear God! The above statement explains why you planned a second child with a grown arse man who thinks it’s ok to belittle and abusive his wife in front of his child. I suspect the content and happy home you write of, is when you STFU and dare don’t challenge his behaviour.

You can do couple's counselling online...but your DC should not be in the room while it's going on.

Counselling is not admitting that your relationship is failing at all. It's recognising that your relationship needs assistance/support from a professional.

Name calling is really not acceptable. Disagreements will happen in a healthy relationship, but it shouldn't get to the point of name-calling, especially in front of children.

It sets a poor model of an adult relationship and they'll grow up thinking that's normal .. with girls thinking they should accept their partner talking to them like they and boys thinking it's okay to do to their partners...

Dad spoke to mum like that... so I can do it

"Counselling is not admitting that your relationship is failing at all. It's recognising that your relationship needs assistance/support from a professional".

I disagree, if you need assistance/support from an outside professional your relationship is massively failing/dead. This whole marriage counselling is something from the 1970's. Designed to ultimately make 2 miserable people stick together come whatever, for the sake of all that is deemed acceptable. Not relevant in this new world.

It is ok to fall out of love with someone, it is ok for marriages to breakdown, it is ok to separate/divorce. It is ok for either partner to realise they are not happy and want more.

It is not ok to continually argue with a spouse in front of children, it is not ok to be unhappy in a marriage, it is not ok to stay put. It is not ok to just tolerate and accept things just because you are married. It is NOT ok and you have choices as does your DH . It is not ok to stay in a marriage because the other cannot afford to leave . All these things that are not ok.

You can be perfectly good parents, alone.

@CallmeCath

Marriage counselling is for couples to work out how to stay together or split, as amicably as possible. It's not designed to make incompatible couples stay together. It often helps people resolve issues, and it often helps people realise why they are incompatible and helps them split in the best way possible according to their needs.

It's of no relevance if you disagree. I could disagree that the sky was blue, but it wouldn't convince anybody.