Have you been in relationship with someone going through divorce?

[Pegasus41]

Have you been here?

I’ve been with a lovely man for a year. We talk of future plans to live together. We both have young DC from previous marriages who don’t know about the relationship yet.

He’s going through a very protracted and stressful divorce, and he may have to go to court to get a settlement. Someone asked us the other day “What’s on the horizon — any plans coming up?” as a general question, and he said, “I just have to get through my divorce first before I can look at the horizon”. It’s partly because he has no money until he gets his settlement. I understand, but I also felt sad.

He said it’s a shame that our relationship is “marginalised”, but that it has to be for now. He thinks it will affect how ruthlessly his ex will behave, ie she will be jealous if our relationship is known & may try to prevent access to their son etc.

Part of me thinks it’d be sensible to wait until he is the other side of the divorce to be together, but it feels like we’re too far in to pull back, plus court etc is slow.

Any similar experience & advice?

I was there once. It was a mess. Ended it with him - though not specifically because of that.

Honestly your bloke has to put his dc first (assuming he is a half way decent parent) and that includes not fucking up his wife too much.

Mine (many years ago now) did not do this, threw himself into a relationship with me and caused huge pain and distress. Im ashamed to say that only with hindsight did I really see how awful hed been to them, and tbh I still feel sullied by my part in it years later.

My advice is to step well back. Let him sort his shit out as best he can, then you can see.

I wouldn't recommend that anyone get involved with someone who is still married. Period. Why deal with all of this bullshit and baggage?

My husband was still married when we first met. Everything was fine until the subject of money came up. She expected my earnings and savings to be taken into account for their settlement

Be careful OP

I’m going through it now it’s not easy.

My DP is still married with no plans to divorce, so not quite the same.

Id say if things are good, wait it out. It won't last forever

‘Still married’ is a bit misleading - relationships can be over far before the divorce is finalised and every situation is different. I’m certainly glad I dealt with the ‘bullshit and baggage’ for a short time to end up with my husband and kids, thanks…

I do think that in your situation you might need to play the long game - hopefully you will have many many years together and as step parents to each others kids, so if being patient now means the divorce is smoother and more harmonious then it would seem to be in all your interests.

I've been there. I didn't listen to my gut instinct (run for the hills) and was left utterly heartbroken. It was such a mess, it really was.

I battled with my attraction and knowing that he needed time to process the whole end of his family lifestyle. I did try to end it, citing I felt he needed to be alone and not move on too quickly after a long marriage. He didn't listen and said he was over her etc....

To cut a long story short, my gut instinct was right. How I wish I'd listen to it. Listen to yours!

I am still married but live with my DP. There are a myriad of reasons for that. It has been four years but I think we will divorce in the next year. We are good friends though

I met my current partner when I was pretty fresh from separating from my husband (about 5ish months after) so I've gone through the whole divorce process while being with him - it finally comes to an end next week!! I don't feel like our relationship has suffered or been any different because of it? We live together..the only thing it means we can't/wouldn't do, is get engaged? We still plan our future.

Never, ever again!

Thanks All. I think my gut instinct is that we’re pretty strong together and to ride it out. But it’s not always easy. Good to hear your perspectives/experiences x