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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone else feel like "just the wife?"

39 replies

McMummy · 29/01/2008 21:48

Just a bit of a random moan...
How many of you lead a pretty separate life from your dh?
I only know 1 person he works with - and hardly any of the friends he goes out with.
He has gone on a holiday with some mates, and I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to recognise 3/4 of them if I passed them on the street.
His facebook page is filled with people I don't know, and he has just posted a "happy birthday chick.." message to someone I don't know. And who he doesn't work with. I just spoke to hims, and he said he hadn't been on anyone's computer yet (who he went on holiday with) yet he did to post the message. He's called lots, but not sent us an email.

Any constructive comments?

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 29/01/2008 21:52

I think you need to talk to him about making more of an effort to include you, as his wife you are his life partner and you should share things. It sounds very 1 sided. Do you want to get to know his friends more?

Karen999 · 29/01/2008 21:52

No comments really.....have you always been like this? Do you have friends in common at all? Tbh I know all of dp's friends and he knows mine...

Original poster

McMummy · 29/01/2008 22:06

Its been gradually getting like this since he started this job - 6 years ago.

OP posts:

moondog · 29/01/2008 22:07

Do you work??

Original poster

McMummy · 29/01/2008 22:09

No, - I am a SAHM, and I have recently gone back to Uni

OP posts:

Karen999 · 29/01/2008 22:10

If he ever has work nights out, do you get invited? Does he talk to you about his work/friends at all?

moondog · 29/01/2008 22:12

I hope that you are planning a holiday wit your friends in near future.
How long is this holiday for?

Original poster

McMummy · 29/01/2008 22:21

No, i do not get invited out for work nights out

he is away for a week. We had origionally agreed to go on a family holiday every year, and alternate our own holidays. I have gone once, he has gone about 5 times.
Don't get me wrong, I am not a doormat, but the last two times he has gone, I have felt very manipulated into it. We very nearly split up in the summer, as we could not afford for him to go - he ended up just booking it without telling me as a "really good deal" came up, and they "had" to book straight away.
TBH, I do think he was more worried about disappointing his friends than he was about hurting me.
He always used to put me first, and I felt very sure in him. The last few years though, he has shocked me with going even though I did not want him to. I have told him that I will leave if he even mentions it next year.

Most of his friends are single, earn a fantastic living, or do not have children and have double incomes and really exciting lives. I can't help but feel like a big old weight around his neck

OP posts:

Karen999 · 29/01/2008 22:27

We dont have separate family and 'us'holidays and tbh I dont know many couples who do....I think he is forgetting that he is with you and has responsibilities......if my DP came home and asked to go on holiday with his mates (which he would never do) I would ask why he wanted to go? For us, spending time as a family is more important than going away with individual friends.....I really think you should talk to him and ask him why he still wants to do these things.

moondog · 29/01/2008 22:31

Where is he holidaying then?
Why are you standing for this crap?

Original poster

McMummy · 29/01/2008 22:36

He is in America, snowboarding
At the beginning, i really didn't mind, as he doesn't relax easily, and he enjoyed himself so much. And he always said that if I ever didn't want him to go, then he wouldn't.
Except last year. And this year.

Like I said, both times I felt very manipulated into it, and it caused serious trouble in the summer.

OP posts:

moondog · 29/01/2008 22:37

God sorry,he sounds like a selfish knob.
You need to either get it to stop or sort yourself out a holiday pdq.

Karen999 · 29/01/2008 22:43

How many dcs do you have? I would be tempted to book myself a loooooong holiday and leave the kids with him, just so that he appreciates what its like!!

Am with moondog......he is a selfish knob!

Original poster

McMummy · 29/01/2008 22:49

We have 2 dc's
I am very tempted to book a holiday, but we are really skint at the minute, which is really why I am not too happy with him going.

We probably won't have a family holiday this year

God I sound like a whiny cow.

I suppose I was just wondering if its relatively "normal" to be disconnected from dp's social life.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 30/01/2008 08:08

Can you borrow some money, you only need a few hundred to book yourself a week somewhere, doesn't have to be far, doesn't even have to be abroad, could be a country house with a spa and ncie meals out with a best friend - the point is you deserve a break too and he is taking the piss.

delcymru · 30/01/2008 15:01

My partner also goes on holidays with his mates. He is a snowboard addict and every year a "boys trip" is arranged and gone on whether I like it or not. TBH I don't usually mind except that I feel he goes off to have loads of fun with other people and I'm just the housewife. We have been the last 2 years on a winter holiday as well, last year with my teenage daughters and the year before just the 2 of us.This year however I am 8 months pregnant with his first child and he has just come back from snowboarding for a week. I was a bit hurt that he went as I am grumpy enough about not being able to do my own thing as it is , but as far as he was concerned I was healthy and not imminently about to deliver so he did'nt see why he should'nt go. I told him that I wasn't ecstatic about him going but I would never stop him as the moods would be unbearable.As a man I just think his life goes on regardless and it's almost as if he does'nt see why me being pregnant or having a baby should change his life at all. Think he's in for a shock! Definately you need some life for you , and he also needs to get in tune with his family.

delcymru · 30/01/2008 15:05

Add to that the Rugby matches that have to be watched in the pub , the stag nights/weekends that he has to go to, the Friday nights detour to the pub straight from work because "he" needs to chill out , the mates he has to catch up with , squash matches , 5 a side football etc . Men. . .why is that they make us feel so unimportant?

bossykate · 30/01/2008 15:14

he seems very selfish to me, mcmummy. as does yours, delcymru. dh goes to glastonbury every year, whether i like it or not. one year he went when i was 8 m pg, had spd, was not sleeping myself and with a toddler to look after. i still haven't forgiven him for it. we are going to relate atm and one my big issues is how his friends, family etc are always put ahead of me. but actually what that really means is, he does whatever he wants when he wants regardless of my opinion

anyway, that's probably no help, but i would say sort it if you can because lingering resentment is marriage poison.

good luck.

bossykate · 30/01/2008 15:16

it is awful that he has put his own selfish pleasure first - sacrificing his family holiday what a tw*nt!

delcymru · 31/01/2008 10:10

You're right bossykate about resentment. I've been married before to an absoluty horrible person who did'nt give a damn about me or the 3 children we had and I got out of it eventually after many years of trying and almost having a breakdown. My partner now is not like that at all, but there is a selfish streak that's going on and it is building up a resentment in me which I really don't want to hang on to. I am thinking of going to Relate or a counsellor. But I keep thinking that maybe it's just me that has a problem and I am just selfish for wanting him to do a little bit more with me. After all , he does'nt seem to have a problem with spending time with everyone else instead of me, and if I say anything he reminds me how hard he works and he can't be taking time out to do things with me. But the monthly golf society days out etc are no problem and everything gets dropped for the other things he goes to do.It's hard to find a happy medium and it takes a lot of work.

bossykate · 31/01/2008 10:17

no way are you being unreasonable! if he has other redeeming features then maybe relate is the way to go. if he's not keen you can go on your own. although at 8m pg the timing might not be fabulous.

good luck.

Original poster

McMummy · 02/02/2008 10:14

delcymru
I know what you mean about the resentment - i think when he gets home I am going to tell him to step up. I would rather he admit that he is not able to be the family guy I want/need, than me ending up hating him, and being in a really horrible situation

OP posts:

delcymru · 02/02/2008 11:10

I was thinking the same thing McMummy , as dp went out last night straight after work , said he didn't want to tell me what time he was going to come home and did'nt come home until 1.30 this morning. And now the 6 nations rugby is starting he's off to watch that today too. Trying not to argue with him, theres no point. Came to the conclusion that he thinks of himself as a single man who just happens to live with a woman who's 8 mnth prg with his child !! And although he's happy with that I'm definately not.

littlewoman · 02/02/2008 12:08

This reminds me of my xh. Your man is trying to get the best of both worlds here, and you are going to end up as a mother to him (doing his washing, etc) rather than a partner. It is very dangerous ground allowing them to behave as though they were single yet married. You are giving him too much rope and he will hang himself with it, imho.

littlewoman · 02/02/2008 18:44

That sounded really bossy, sorry. Just bad memories of a similar situation - kind of got a bit stressed out there for a minute

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