Why do I still love him?

[Claire501]

My ex broke up with me 7 months ago- we were together for 7 years and engaged for 4. Within our relationship he changed his mind 5 times, not knowing what he wanted. He was quite controlling, always critical and constantly followed random girls on social media - liking their pictures. I asked him to stop numerous trying to explain how self-conscious it made me feel but he'd never stop.
He was also never happy with the life we had - house, dog etc. He never enjoyed spending time with me, and we never had any date nights. It came to the point he said he wasn't in love with me anymore and broke up with me. He then said we could try again but went out and messaged a girl behind my back on a night out. It also started to come out he'd been messaging other girls also - although he claimed it was innocent. His defence was that even though we were trying he was still technically single - he refused to try while being in a relationship with me.
Throughout the breakup we've been trying to sell our house while living together. He's been horrible to me one minute and nice the next - numerous insults which have made me feel rubbish.
About 3 weeks ago I met someone new - taking baby steps but he's lovely. My ex doesn't know about him. Now my ex has made a massive U-turn saying he loves me, wants to marry me and have kids straight away. Promising he won't change his mind again - I'm trying to stick to my guns and focus on the future, but I just can't get my ex out of my head and now doubting the new guy. I keep thinking what if I've made a mistake? Why do I miss him? Or is it just because we live together and I can't escape from the situation. I don't want to make a mistake in case he really has changed but I have no idea how to make the right decision!

How do you know he doesn’t know? He’s controlling and consistently messes you about and changes his mind about being with you. He sounds like a classic push-pull type and if you’ve met someone you like he’s probably at the least picked up on that energy and is now saying all the shit he knows will reel you back in.

As soon as you end it with the new guy and try again with your ex, he’ll go cold again - you have seven years of evidence that this is his MO, do you really think this time would be any different?

Sounds like he's found out to me.

This sounds like love bombing. He'll wait until you've left the new guy and then revert back to his previous self. He's detecting that he's losing control of the situation and he doesn't like it.

Agreed with the previous posters - I hate to say it, he doesn't want you but he gets an ego boost from you still wanting him. He can sense a shift in that and he doesn't like it.

You're the fall back option when whichever woman he's currently messaging falls through.

Don't be that woman - you're better than that ❤️

Intermittent reinforcement. When you receive rewards randomly you become more focused on trying to get the reward, so sadly when someone treats you badly but occasionally nicely it is much harder to break your attachment to them. It will take you time but based on what you've shared you know this ex is not good for you and he's not going to change. You'll just need to ride it out, grieve the hopes you had for the relationship. Avoiding contact with ex will help you get through it sooner.

He has found out about the other guy and will lovebomb you now till you dump that guy and get back with him and then he will treat you badly again. Do not fall for it.

For goodness sake, don't go back to him. He's found out you've moved on and is making promises he won't keep. He made you feel bad during the relationship why would you want to go back to that unhappiness. Block and enjoy your new partner.

I would say he has definitely found out about the new guy. It's a classic case of he doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you as he would like to keep you dangling in case nothing better comes along.

it's ok to acknowledge you still love him, you can't turn your feeling off overnight whether he deserves to be loved or not. Just accept that he is not the one for you and do not give the new guy up for him, you would be making a massive mistake. Believe me, I've done that, it did not end well. Keep getting to know the new guy and kick your ex to the curb.

He definitely found out about you new guy, certainly no coincidence. He’s totally messing with your head. The minute you give up the new boyfriend and take him back he’ll be back to having ‘doubts’ again. Please don’t let him do this to you. You deserve better. Make the sure the break is permanently or you’ll be setting yourself up for more months or even years of misery.

Your ex had seven years where he wasn't happy with the life you had together and couldn't commit to you. There were no date nights. Lately he's been insulting you and making you feel like rubbish.

Now you have the chance of a new start and suddenly he's realised what he hasn't been able to realise for seven years.

Seems certain he knows about your new man and is trying to lure you back to the unhappiness you had with him. It's a form of control. He's good at that.

You have a choice. Move on, try for happiness with your new man (or freedom on your own if that doesn't work out) or return to the life of uncertainty and control by his lack of commitment that you had with your ex.

Look up trauma bonding for yourself. You loved him while he was cruel and unfaithful, you probably wondered what was wrong with you, why he couldn't just love you, asked yourself maybe if this meant you were unlovable, and what could you do to make him be kind. You probably tried very hard and forgave a lot and then he ended it. Now he's back saying you're the best thing since sliced bread - thats everything you wanted from him while you were together! Maybe all the fears about being unlovable or unvalued are wrong.(they are anyway, he just had you doubting) maybe his entire character has changed?

No, honestly just no. A decent person. If they fall out of love. Does not treat the person they're with - with contempt. He wants what he does not have. He's like a child with a toy. He disregards it until someone else wants to play with it and then suddenly its his FAVOURITE toy. Its the behaviour of a person stuck with the brain of a 4 year old

Look very brutally on how he's behaved

It's very difficult to move on from a serious relationship, that's been your 'normal' for seven years. Despite the fact your relationship was damaging (to you) it was what you knew and had a certain comfort element. You knew what to expect. Now you are in a different place without the 'normal' environment. As humans I believe we are programmed to crave that when we start to feel a bit uncomfortable or challenged. You know it's the wrong choice for you but it's almost an easy choice. Go for the challenge of a new life, meet different people, have new relationships - they might not work out but you never know. Decide what you expect from future relationships and stick to it. Do you need a relationship? Why not just embrace your new freedom. Don't go back to you ex. He knows he has power over your emotions and he's exploiting it. Why do you think it will be any different? He doesn't deserve you, he had plenty of opportunity to change. Too late now.

He knows or suspects there's someone else and wants to mess it up for you to boost his ego. No more. He's had 7 years to prove himself and kept oscillating. You deserve better. Your new boyfriend sounds understanding and decent, if you like him, don't chuck it away over the ex. Concentrate on moving away and severing ties ASAP.

Within our relationship he changed his mind 5 times, not knowing what he wanted.
OP - don't fool yourself like this.
He knew EXACTLY what he wanted.
He wanted to undermine you, to keep you insecure & desperate.
He wanted to make you play the Pick-Me Dance as to whether he "wanted" to be with you, & escalated to making you Pick-Me Dance with threats/actuality of Other Women.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

You need CHUMPLADY!
Here are some other instructive tales of Pick-Me Dancing - www.chumplady.com/?s=pick+me+dance
& when you have time, browse through the archives - ChumpLady is wise, supportive, snarky ... & often hilarious - just what you need right now.

Why do I miss him?
That's not love my dear - it's a Trauma Bond.
www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/trauma-bonds-what-they-are-and-how-to-escape-them

Stop beating yourself up about it - it's very common. A kind of Stockholm Syndrome. Your ex manipulated, controlled & gaslit you til you thought down was up.

Part of what makes it hard to let go is the Hoovering an abusive partner does to continue to exert control over you - lonerwolf.com/hoovering/
Just like he blew hot & cold in the relationship to keep you disconcerted & focused entirely on him & his wishes, he is now doing push me/pull you because he can feel his control slipping & wants to reel you back in.

About 3 weeks ago I met someone new - taking baby steps but he's lovely.
No more than baby steps until you are safely away from your abuser.
There is no way you are going to heal while you are still having to cohabit with him. Put all your energy into avoiding your ex as much as possible, into expediting the house sale, into using Grey Rock to stave off your ex's manipulations - www.e-counseling.com/articles/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

My ex doesn't know about him. Now my ex has made a massive U-turn saying he loves me, wants to marry me and have kids straight away. Promising he won't change his mind again - I'm trying to stick to my guns and focus on the future, but I just can't get my ex out of my head and now doubting the new guy.
Don't conflate anything your ex has done, is doing, or says he will do with your new guy.
Can you see how bonkers it is - that just because your abusive shit of an ex is now Love Bombing & Future Faking you (again) that you imagine that has ANY bearing on who new guy is what might develop there later?

I keep thinking what if I've made a mistake?
The only mistake you can make now is allowing your ex to Hoover you back.
He is poison to you.
What on EARTH makes you believe you can trust one word from his self-serving, lying, cheating, selfish mouth?

Why do I miss him? Or is it just because we live together and I can't escape from the situation.
See Trauma Bond - & yes, it is going to be very difficult to naviagte keeping yourself safe from this emotional predator's abuse while you still have to cohabit.

I don't want to make a mistake in case he really has changed but I have no idea how to make the right decision!
GIVE YOUR HEAD A WOBBLE!!!!
Sorry to shout OP - but WHY are you fooling yourself that your abuser will CHANGE?
THIS IS WHO HE IS.
Coercive controllers don't change. They just escalate.

What's the situation with the house sale?
Are you getting viewings?
Is your ex pleased to be selling or is he obstructing any part of the process?

OP, your Ex has had 7 bloody years to 'change', and he's NOT bloody interested !

He keeps changing his mind because he NEVER wanted 'marriage, fidelity and kids', but he knew you did, so he LIED repeatedly ! Just enough to keep you 'hanging on' for a fake future !

He's probably sensed that you are now 'happy', so he's going all out to take it away from you !

The second he's 'got' you back again, he'll just do it ALL again !!!!

Isn't the definition of a fool someone who keeps doing the same thing, yet expect a different result ??

Don't be that fool...

@KettrickenSmiled Thank you for the informed reply and links. In regard to the house sale, we're struggling to get viewings due to the current market situation. We had one offer right at the beginning, but the ex-declined due to him wanting more. I'm at the point where I just want my name off the mortgage - I'm not bothered about the money - I just want to be free. Neither of us can afford to buy each other out.

That's bloody awkward OP.

I did wonder if he'd put any spanners in the works re: sale.
My ex did. He drove the estate agent & lawyer batty with contradictory demands, peremptory stormings into offices, insane emails ... to the point that the estate agent would not allow their female staff to be unattended around him.

It was all about control, & his sense of losing control over me.
Grey Rock is your friend while you endure the next few months. I so hope you find a buyer soon.

Please don't go back with him . A prediction of future behaviour is past behaviour. If at all possible can you live somewhere else , as you need to go No Contact .

He’s a habit. That’s why you think you miss him. Read back everything you’ve written and ask yourself if you would advise a friend to keep taking him back.

Of course you shouldn’t. Move on. Either with the new guy or just be single for a bit. Your worth isn’t tied up in whether you have a man or not.

It’s also highly convenient he wants you back now you’re seeing someone else.

Did you post about this a few days ago?

He won't change, honestly.