I miss my partner

[Twirlyhoo]

My DP has recently got a better paid job and is earning more than either of us ever have. The job however necessitates 4am starts and some 12-14 shifts.

My mum offered to have our 2 Y/O overnight and while I knew DP would be in bed early, I thought we could maybe curl up and watch one of the many things we like to watch together. He went up at 7pm and now I'm bingeing chocolate and Gilmore girls.

He is also so moody at the moment, he drives so fast and angry always swearing, and when I ever try and talk about my day at work, hes just not interested. He's currently looking for a job with less demanding hours but I'm so sad and lonely right now. I'm always trying to check in with him and ask if he'd like to talk, but he says he's fine.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking. Is anyone else in this sort of position? Do you think we'll both just adjust eventually?

Yes yes yes! This is my dh... he gets up at either 11.30pm or 12.30 am during the week, is home by 3pm, which means he's in bed by at the latest 6pm (I work from home so at least I can grab a cuppa and some food before he goes to bed). Weekends he falls asleep on the sofa next to me, I can't wake him, so o go to bed on my own, he then joins me about midnight and sleeps to maybe 4am.

We've just had a weeks holiday and he's almost at normal times, but the difference in his personality is amazing. He's chilled out, not snappy or annoyed at silly things, he's a pleasure to be around. Now I've seen this I'm going to sit him down and tell him that the money isn't worth it. I'm fed up living with someone who's always in bed during the week, and a grumpy twat on weekends. I'd rather be skint tbh

@BankseyVest oh wow that sounds really tough!

It's so hard to know what to do because we really struggled before he had this job. We're not flush now but for the first time in years, my money worries are easing and we've booked a holiday in Cornwall next year. Ahhh maybe you just can't have it all?!

He is also so moody at the moment, he drives so fast and angry always swearing

wow, OP, that sounds really worrying — does he drive fast with you and child in the car?

I am your Dp in this situation. I'm up at 3:30 every morning for work and I get home exhausted and I'm in bed early (currently on annual leave so living dangerously and staying up past 8pm).

Like you it's taken it's toll on our relationship and we've become like passing ships but the money is what keeps me going. I've been doing it for 18 months and realistically I know it can't go on forever but I don't know what to do about it either because I can't find anything else with an equal salary.

I know I'm a complete nightmare to live with because I'm a bitch when I'm tired and the more my partner tries the more it infuriates me because I feel like he's blaming me and guilt tripping me when all I'm trying to do is earn a good wage.

If you find the happy medium I'd love to know!

@NoodleSoup12 in my opinion yes. Still within speed limit but i just don't get the rush when driving down more narrow roads. I'm a very nervous driver, and try my best to be considerate of pedestrians and cars trying to pull out. Not him at all!

It's so strange that his driving habits seem to be part of the problem putting a bit of a wedge between us. I've made passing comments but he says his driving his fine.

Oh @hay5689! Thanks so much for responding, it's good to hear from this perspective. I think it's always frustrated me how early he likes to go to bed even before this job. Maybe I need to be the early riser!

Of course - and you!

@Twirlyhoo it's different for me because I don't have young children, I wouldn't be able to work these stupid unsociable hours if I did.

I feel horrible when my partner suggests going out for a meal or something similar on the weekend because I'm so tired and desperately trying to catch up with everything in the house and I just want to chill out and do nothing which I know is boring for him.

We don't even eat together anymore because I'm home early and my body clock is in a different time zone to his (and normal peoples!), I'm eating lunch by 10am 😂

Seriously though it's hard and as you've said it's good to see things from the other person's perspective and it's given me a few things to think about. Ultimately I don't think we can have it all and have to prioritise what's important but it's easier said than done.

You can have it all, but for most people, not all at the same time all at once.

Often things come with strings attached or strings to manage the status quo. Hence he can’t relax and you don’t have the family time you want.

This is when we understand who and what we are, ourselves and together. I wish you well to find out and live your true selves or the selves you want to be .