Doing the right thing

[Dryspell]

Recently joined to find a woman's perspective on this situation that I find my relationship in.

Been together a little over 10 years.

Some adult step children. 1 particularly hard work.

House pal (OH) about 10 years older.

The last 2 years we haven't had any physical activity or indeed intimacy of any kind at all, it started about 5 years ago when menopause hit hard when we may be intimate once every couple of months, then it stretched about 3/4 years ago to 6 months, then 12 between and now nothing for 2 years, also coincidentally the difficult adult child has been particularly difficult lately.

I'm asking the audience here for help, it's hit breaking point, i have on several occasions stated that I love and desire her and want to maintain a physical relationship but have been told to give her time over the last 5 years which I have respected until now.

2 years without a cuddle, a kiss never mind a shared orgasm. I've suggested that we attend counselling but it's never happened, suggested hrt but that causes cancer apparently and that's it. I know it's about me getting off and I am capable of doing that on my own but I want the bond that we had along with the pop. I particularly enjoyed giving oral to her but she decided that it wasn't for her post menopause so that killed her orgasm mostly except on the odd time.

When I ask any questions about intimacy it's a threat and I'm pestering, I'm going out of my mind with frustration and made it clear we are done. This was tacitly accepted and then ignored and now here we are again acting like we have a relationship and it's outwardly to our families like we are ok. It seems that is what matters.

Now I'm a horrible person at this point as I have met someone that I like, I get along with and think we could have a relationship. I have had social interaction with her and her intentions are clear to me (she has said she wants to take it further) but I have not had any physical interaction with her at all. Not even a peck on the cheek but my do i want to.

What can i do to be kind to my house pal (I can't use OH) and get this either fired up again, i have feelings for her still or send her on her way in a kind way.

Part of me thinks have an obvious affair and give her an out but I was betrayed myself and I can't think of doing that.

Be honest but do not in any way make her feel that in order to be together she needs to start having sex with you as that is tantamount to blackmail.
Sit her down and tell her hoe you feel and tell her you are ready to move on now.
Has she ever sought help for this? I think she needs to realise that sex is very important to you as a man let alone her other half

Be honest with her.

you’ve not done anything yet but you are clearly hoping and wanting to

you have tried and tried and tried

the writing was on the wall

Just end it already. She has made her decision to neglect the intimate part of your relationship, as is her right, but that choice has consequences.

Life is short. I wouldn't waste anymore time.

Yes I have said I don't want to have sex with an unwilling participant that'd be weird and unfulfilling on every level.

I feel disappointed and a bit deflated really that it has come to this and really want to part well but the last time we discussed it just got shitty, tears and emotion which was what was needed 5 years ago. Menopause has a lot to answer for.

I've made my feelings clear already but I'll give it another try.

Libido often takes a nosedive during peri-menopause but once menopause is out of the way libido can return, sometimes better than before because it just seems to give a sense of freedom. The biggest change is needing to use lube.

At least you've spoken to her about it. A lot of men just go off and do their own thing with OWs or with prostitutes.

You need to set it out directly to her. You're getting to the stage where you need sex and if not with her then you might need to see someone else. Tell her straight that you love her and would prefer it to be her but you cannot live your life like this for much longer.

I asked her to leave. She has some financial issues that are stopping her I think. It's my place so I'd struggle to go anywhere and I'm not about to make her homeless.

I wasn't looking for the other person, we just organically got friendly, that's all it has been to date. Yes I would like more, but I haven't acted upon it yet.

made it clear we are done

Made it clear how?

This. It sounds like the relationship has morphed to a platonic friendship.

Move on and get the love you crave!

So she is being financially supported by you?

It seems unkind to say you're 'done' and when you talk about sending her on her way ... sounds like a reverse by an OW.

OP, your term “house pal” sounds a little passive aggressive, as does your causal suggestion that you might have an affair. Id try to be more respectful to the person who has, after all, given you their life. A lack of respect is a huge turn off. Outside the sex, do you contribute equally to the housework/life admin/childcare responsibilities? Do you go out, have your own friends? Do you look good, smell good?

Honestly though, I vote leave. And don’t blame her. It’s not her fault she doesn’t want to have sex with you. It happens for lots of reasons.