Feel like I've totally f**ked up with dc

[welshmum790]

Will start by saying they are generally good kids. Both work and are at uni and we have a good relationship most of the time.

Dh and I have had petty arguments over the years as he feels I still do too much for them... They don't really do chores as such and I don't charge any digs etc. We still pay car insurance/phone contracts etc as they are both in full time education living at home so their part time jobs is their own money. They are good at helping out with younger dc if our shifts clash and will help in the house when asked so not all bad.

A few months ago I found weed in oldest dc car (20) i obviously wasn't happy but dc insisted it was to help out with anxiety (which she does have history off) I told them that I wanted it stopped due to health reasons and thought it had!

Today I've found a vape in dd2s washing (18) I've taken it off them and told them it stops now and I'm getting it thrown back in my face that dc1 still smokes weed behind my back and at least what they're doing is legal etc!

To be honest I'm feeling out my depth about this, I'm putting my foot down saying I forbid them to do this but feeling like what's the point when it's so easy for them to go behind my back and carry on 😣

You can’t really forbid adults to do anything, you really need to shift your stance in relation to them. They are adults which means being responsible for themselves to a degree so taking care of their own space, pulling their weight in the house etc. At the moment you’re still in caring mum
mode doing their chores etc while wanting a say in what they do or don’t do. If they want to make adult choices, they carry adult responsibilities.

As frustrating as it is OP you can't stop them. Just talk to them and give them advice but don't expect them to take it, they are adults and even if they were teenagers I doubt you would be able to stop them. Hopefully they kick the habits themselves one day. The weed would be more concerning to me than the vape as longterm use can trigger psychosis in some people sadly.

They are adults so it’s their choice. However you can have rules about what happens in your house.

Do you really mean that your adult children do no chores at all? This is the second thread I’ve read on this theme this week. Other one was very different situation but again adults not used to doing chores. Can I ask what you think it’s the role or job of a parent?

You can't stop them but you can ask them to find their own places if they want to do it freely. No weed in your house is a rule they can absolutely stick to

I couldn’t get too worked up about my 20 year old smoking weed. I don’t condone it, and wouldn’t allow them to smoke in the house etc.
But essentially she’s an adult and it’s not up to you.

I don’t think you should be doing an 18 year olds washing. It’s all infantilising them, which in turn makes you feel more protective etc, and the weed/vaping is more upsetting

Time to step back. Weed in the house is an absolute no, vaping ds 22 does it and I hate it but he is an adult so nothing I can do really. Smoking weed not great but you will not stop it I am afraid. Be open and honest that you do not like it, but you have to step back now and let them life as they wish. You can put rules in around what they do in your house but not out of it.

You need to hand over all their responsibilities to them. Or they need to move out.

Just because you treat your child younger than their years with no chores etc, it doesn't mean that they will act younger than their years and make choices that you disagree with.

How can you ban an adult from smoking weed or vaping ? I wouldn't allow it to be smoked in my house but of course they are just going to hide it better next time. You were naive to think that the 20yo would stop because you said so. She obviously told you what you wanted to hear to end the conversation.

Being realistic, because they are adults, my only concern on this would be that the weed was in her car. If she could assure me she wasn't driving when stoned then I'd take the view she's an adult and can decide herself. But I'd be crystal clear how dangerous and illegal drug driving is.

The vape is disappointing, in that it's not good for you, but lots of things aren't, it's legal and they're old enough to make their own choices.

They’re adults, unfortunately you don’t have the authority to forbid them from doing anything. You can enforce a “not in the house/garden” rule, it’s your property, but what they do outside of that isn’t for you to control.

I would speak to your DD about using weed for anxiety though, it increases it over the longer term as much as it might help in the moment. It also increases paranoia over long term usage.

They are adults, you can’t stop them from vaping or smoking weed, of course you can insist they don’t do it in your house but you can’t demand them to stop.

Thank you everyone.
I know I should be handing over more responsibility to them but while they were working hard to carry on education I suppose I thought I was helping by trying to manage everything else for them.
I was a sahm for years so most things fell to me anyway and I've never got out the habit of it.
Don't get me wrong they are not lazy in the house, if I do ask they do something but I'm used to coming in from work and just doing it myself.
Think we need to have a good long chat though, dh and I are working extra hours and worrying about the cost of fuel etc and they both work part time, keep all their wages and can afford to smoke/vape 🙄
That's the part that really annoys me, I think we've tried our hardest to give them the best we can and they have both made poor decisions.

If they are at Uni and working part time jobs then you have done a good job with them. You need to have a chat but they are students and unfortunately this is what students do. They are adults - you need to leave them to it a bit more and let them grow up and fend for themselves a bit more

they are doing well. They are studying, working, running their own life. Now you need to learn to let them live their life the way they want to. There will be many times where you won’t agree with their life choice. But it’s nit fir you to judge if they are or not anymore.
You haven’t failed because they dont live their life like you would :)

What stands out to me in this OP is that your DP/DH is undermining you. With the economy as it is, I feel very sorry for young people. Are they putting away any savings from their work? If so, I think that’s good. Do talk to them about the weed and vaping but remember young people try things. Model good behaviour ie don’t drink lots/smoke around them, and maybe think about why your husband is coming to you to harangue you for being soft on them rather than respecting how you parent, and parenting his children himself.

@Catlover1970 Going to uni and getting a good job is not the bench mark where we decide someone has been a good parent

A good compromise is to charge them reasonable digs money and set new standards for them as adults to help them transition to adulthood. Own washing and making meals once or twice a week etc but their digs can contribute to the buying of food and what’s left could secretly be added into a savings
account that gives them a wee bonus when moving out (deposit for rent or even to offset a mortgage). I’d not mention the savings as they sound like they need a bit of a kick up the bum.

They are adults - you can’t tell them what to do!

I think you are being both too hard and too soft on them, and you need to work on your boundaries.

They haven’t made poor decisions from what you say, they are young adults experimenting. By all means express your views if you must, but after that butt out.

They need to contribute rent. They need to have clear tasks that they have to do. You are adults sharing a house, you are not there to take care of them. You need time to build up your own life so you are less focused on them.

I misread your opening line as reasonable drugs money 😁