Struggling to cope with friend’s alcoholism

[Imabadfriend]

Have NC for this.

I have a close friend who has been through a lot. Because of this she is drinking every day, and has been for over two years. It can be as little as one bottle of wine, or can be up to four or five.

I feel very responsible for her, and am very close to the family so don’t want to abandon the kids.

She is a lovely lady, very warm and welcoming, but can be absolutely horrible to people when she is drunk.

She calls every night, sometimes just to say hi, sometimes to berate me for something I’ve done wrong. Her children are on the cusp of leaving home which is making it worse as they are becoming independent and forging their own opinions, and this is a particular issue (I am not “allowed” to back up their views or side with them if their view doesn’t align with hers after a drink). I have two young children, and don’t want them around her any more as she shouts and swears and gets really angry, and her drinking starts mid afternoon during the week, or at lunchtime at the weekends, so it is difficult to see her at a time when she hasn’t been drinking. I have tried broaching the subject of giving up/AA with her but she said that she cannot live without the alcohol, and I didn’t want to press too hard.

What can I do to help? I feel terrible for wanting to give up on the friendship as we have been so close and she has always been kind and generous, and I don’t want to abandon her when she needs help, but the impact it is having on my family life is enormous.

Let her know you’ll be there for her when she starts being there for herself. You are enabling this issue. Look after yourself. Go to al anon if you can, it will help you come to terms with your own feelings.

Thank you for replying. I feel so, so guilty. I think contacting AA could be a very good call.

Unfortunately she has to be the one who wants to stop, no-one else can do it for her.
It's worrying that she has young children. You can only support her when she decides to seek help. There are online support groups or she can see her GP.

The 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. You can only help your own self ultimately and your friend also does not want your help or support. Would suggest you contact Al-anon as they are helpful to those affected by another person's drinking.

Her primary relationship remains very much with drink and until she decides otherwise there is nothing you can do. She may well go onto lose everything and everyone around her and she may still choose to drink afterwards. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism.

You cannot further act as her enabler; infact I would totally withdraw and no longer take her calls. Harsh as that sounds she has to be shown there are consequences for her actions. Enabling her at all will only give you a false sense of control.

Where is her children's father here in all this?

4 or 5 bottles of wine in one go? She is actually killing herself.

As others have said, unless she is prepared to get help you will have to walk away.

Sadly you cannot help.

She has to hit the point that she decides to seek that help for herself by herself. I write that as someone who had to make the choice to go very LC with my brother when he was at the point your friend is at. I had to protect my children from the impact of my brothers drinking as they were young and did not deserve to have deal with him unless stine cold sober. I ruthlessly made use of an answerphone between the hours I was willing to consider letting my brother call me. In the hourse between 10am till 5pm if he sounded dead drunk I would not pick up and answer. Some of the verbal abuse I took for stating if he was drunk he was not seeing the kids was awful. In the end drink was the be all and end all of his slow car crash of a life. TBH even now I struggle to remember what he was like before the alcohol took over and turned him into an entitled demanding drunken monster then finally killed him.

It is unbelieably hard to have to watch someone you care about and love slowly drink themselves to death and know you can do nothing to change it. Reach out for support for yourself from Al-Anon or similar even if your friend tells you that you have no right to do so.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I feel both relieved and heart-broken that your responses are the same as I was thinking. This is going to be hard for both of us.

How old are her DCs? If any are under 18, I would report it to social services. It must be awful for them.

Do what you can to support her children - including social services

put boundaries in place with her

only she can address this and it doesn’t give her the right to treat you badly

It feels counterintuitive but the best thing you can do to help her is to let her fall. Alcoholics (I am a sober one ) need to feel the consequences of their drinking otherwise we just convince ourselves there's nothing wrong.

If she is affecting your family life you back away.

If she is harming her kids you can intervene to protect them (emotional harm not just physical) it doesn't matter if she gets angry.

Definitely speak to Al Anon who support the friends and family of alcoholics they will help you to let go with love.

Make sure she knows you are there to help her when she's ready to stop.

I feel very responsible for her,

You are not responsible for her alcohol addiction.

So long as you keep supporting an addict, you're enabling it. So long as one person protects her from facing reality, she will grasp that delusion. FOR HER SAKE, and her children, you need to grasp that.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I agree with everyone else. Be there for her children, up to and including supporting with social services. Have firm boundaries - tell her you will not be around her if she is drunk, and stick to that. Take care of yourself first. You can't help her.

How old are her children? Poor things 😞

What other support does she have in her life? Sounds like you’re a good friend and do a lot for her, but ultimately her drinking and her health are her responsibility so please don’t feel guilty about walking away and focussing on your own family.

4-5 bottles is a lot for a woman! Well, it's actually a lot for a man tbf.

One of my good male friends used to have a bit of a problem. I thought he was drinking two bottles of vodka a weekend. Turns out it was two on Saturday and two on Sunday.

He's stopped spirits altogether now and somehow managed to continue just having a few beers instead. Most people can't manage that though IME. I know he's not lying too as the difference in mental sharpness is night and day.

I am going against the grain here. I suffered from alcohol dependancy. Twenty years. I ruined alot of things in my life.
Without my very brave bff telling me I was killing myself I would not be writing this today. I joined a forum on mumsnet in January and they are my go to chums every morning.
It is called 'riding the roller coaster of an alcohol free life' .
Buy your friend some quit lit, slap it on the table, tell her she is killing herself.
My DC (23/18) hated me. One of my proudest moments was when my son says he was proud of me. I am proud of me. If you feel brave take her to AA, they have open sessions. She sounds very alone. Be her bff but say I am doing this because I love you. Piss me off and you are on your own matey.
Show her my post. I own my history (it took me 7 months to say I had an alcohol problem). Life is such much better. I am 12 months AF on January 8th.

I'm with @FancyFran. Be her better self for a while. Give her the chance to get straight with your support

I think this may be an option, but ultimately it may come down to 2 choices
1-walk away
or
2-let her take you down too

Being there for a friend is not necessarily bad. I was there for my husband for close on 7 years before calling it quits. If we had not had DC I would probably have stayed longer (I really should have gone sooner).

But remember to take care of yourself. When you're on a plane and the shit goes down, you put your own oxygen mask on first. The same applies when supporting someone in addiction - put your self care first. If not, you will not only be ineffective, you will also drain yourself dry.