To dislike most of the people they associate with?

[Gingerz]

I am thinking of splitting from DH after 10 years. I've come to realise that I'm not sure I like who he is. He's publicly a good, helpful person, but he's pretty spineless and doesn't stand up for anything he believes in, being swayed by whoever is most popular or influential.

His parents are very controlling, manipulative people and he can't see it at all. His brother is insincerely "nice" and always seems to have a hidden agenda. His parents have a lot of control and say over his brother's children and they seem to accept this in return for free childcare.

I have maintained healthy boundaries but at a price and I can't shake the feeling that DH resents me for it.

His large group of friends are arrogant, save a few. They are misogynistic, egotistical from what I've seen over the years. I have also kept my distance from them. DH seems to have been used as a figure of entertainment over the years, them encouraging him to get as drunk as possible from what one of the ex girlfriends told me. It's not like that now, but he seems to have a very superficial friendship with most of them- he never meets up with any of them on a 1:1 basis; he's there to make up numbers for sporting events that sort of thing.

His work colleague friends are all very extrovert and really come across as chauvinistic too. He's quiet in their company, seemingly glad to be invited. We used to get invited to things as a couple but haven't been in years.

I have my own friends but nowhere near how many he has and I'm quite selective about who I give my time to. I have a fabulous male friend who is all about equal rights and adores his wife so I know not all men are like this. I've been friends with him for over 20 years. DH doesn't make much of an effort with the people I like or am friends with, but seems to want to please and appease these other people in his life that I don't like. Our children don't even know any of these friends of his as they haven't met most of them.

The older and wiser I get, I just lose respect for him for being the "yes man" and everyone's "easy friend." I often think that he's more worried about pleasing these people than he is about pleasing me. It's also crossed my mind if he's embarrassed by me- they're all so corporate and I'm the opposite. I feel like he keeps me hidden. His parents tolerate me but are cold towards me, sometimes ignorant. He makes excuses.

I don't think I can be married to him anymore.

Oh dear. Have you articulated all of this to him? What did he say? He must have kept this all hidden for a while? Maybe from himself too?

Sounds as though you're upset that you don't get to control his relationships with others. Yabu.

Yes I've spoken with him @FromageRouge and he said that I am clearly the problem because I'm the one with the problem.

harsh red Helen. Maybe she just doesn’t like him anymore and that’s ok.

I'm less tolerant of DH friends the longer I've been with him especially the ones who aren't so in to him. However they remain important to him and always will whether I'm with him or not. Just concentrate on your feelings about your DH not his family or friends as he can't do anything about other peoples behaviour and you don't have to give them the time of day. If you still can't stand or respect him then it's over and you get to enjoy moving on

Bloody hell OP

It would seem that you dislike, quite vehemently, a lot of people.

must be exhausting

We used to get invited to things as a couple but haven't been in years.

fair bit of lack of insight there op

What an odd conclusion to draw.

Disliking somebody else's friends for being misogynistic, arrogant & entitled is perfectly normal.
At no point has OP expressed that she has attempted to stop her DH seeing his friends or relatives.

She likes her own friends just fine.

Have you never encountered a connected group of people who all share the same values, those values being so far from your own that you are unable to enjoy their company? It happens.

Not just friends though

friends
in laws
work colleagues

that is a lot of relationships the OP is quite vehemently against

I have yes.

but all my husbands friends; parents, brother, all work colleagues

that doesn’t strike you as slightly unusual?

You find all his colleagues, friends and relatives - different groups of people from entirely different networks and backgrounds - in some way objectionable? There’s a phrase: “if you have a problem with one person in your life, the problem is probably them; if you have a problem with everybody in your life, the problem is probably you.”

If my partner couldn’t get on with anyone in my life and made it clear they disliked all of them then I too would probably stop caring about trying to please them, rather than my many friends and relatives.

My theory is that a certain type of person attracts a certain type of people, hence my deliberation to end our marriage.

I'm thinking that my dislike of these groups that he associates with are probably a reflection of him. I have gone from thinking he's "nice" to thinking he is a people pleaser, which doesn't sit right with me as he willingly sabotages his/our boundaries to be liked and accepted.

I understand why people would think me to be the problem when I have struggled with his social groups. But my description of these people is pretty accurate. One of the main people he socialises with sleeps with other women and refuses to look after his own kids.

I've been in previous relationships where women are included more and I've not felt how I feel around his friends.

My theory is that a certain type of person attracts a certain type of people, hence my deliberation to end our marriage.

presumably you were attracted to him?

Have your perceptions of people never changed over time @Oddieconvert ?

So he hasn’t changed? Nor have friends, family and colleagues?

just your perception?

I think the person he is, or that you've now realised he is, is less material than the way you feel about him. Statistically, once either one of a couple feels contempt for the other ('the ick'), there's no coming back from it. Trying to convince yourself that you still love him or are attracted to him seems like a backwards step.

What statistic are you referring to out of interest?

I can’t get my head round this really - possibly because we’ve moved house a few times, changed jobs, DPs old and now need care rather than running the family social scene,
could you move and have a fresh start?

Bore off @Oddieconvert

And suddenly it’s become clear! 😂

Is there anyone you do like? You are coming across as very controlling, intolerant and unfriendly.

This was a really aggressive comment, OP, in response to a perfectly valid query.

I've come to realise that I'm not sure I like who he is

All the rest of your post is justifying this, but you don't need to justify it. If you don't want to be married to him, don't be. It's your life. You're the boss.

Rude. I actually agree with everything @Oddieconvert has said

Sorry, I did that thing that I hate where someone says 'statistically' and then doesn't back it up!
It's a really interesting study (I came across it in Malcolm Gladwell's Blink) by John Gottman - founder of the Gottman institute. It's a little bit pop psychology maybe, but apparently contempt is a strong predictor of there being irreconcilable issues in a relationship.
Link to study on correlation between facial expressions and perception of a relationship
Link to Gottman Institute/Bio