I found something in DH's bag and I not sure how I feel

[Minimalme]

Looking for paracetamol last night and during a search around our bedroom, I found a rucksack with tonnes of packets of over the counter codeine plus ibuprofen tablets.

I have noticed for quite a few months now (possibly a year) that he was sometimes slurring his words during the evening and falling into a very deep sleep on the sofa.

I had asked him if he was taking anything and he has lied to me. Three years ago he gave up alcohol.

I get migraines and have had an addiction to codeine - once I realised I have it up and haven't taken it in five years.

His other addiction is exercising and eating healthily. He rarely eats with us and our kids and exercises every evening seven days a week. I am on my own a lot.

He is a lovely caring person. We have been together for 20 and love it other so much.

But now I find he has been lying to me and using codeine to escape. Alongside the exercise escape and eating escape I am beginning to believe he doesn't want to be around me.

I was very proud of the home we have made for our kids. I had a very abusive childhood and have worked so hard to fill our lives with love and fun.

I have talked to him and he says he feels guilty. But he will get defensive about it and nothing will ever change. I'm tired of it.

Exercise addiction is very real. Could he have an injury and he is numbing it with codeine so he can push through it rather than take a rest break?

Is he noticeably underweight at all?

I wouldn’t conclude that he doesn’t want to be around you. But I would definitely conclude he has addiction issues, and possibly an eating disorder.

Addiction charities will have advice on how to bring this up with him - you need to tread carefully I think so he doesn’t just go into defensive denial.

Good luck

It's quite possible that it's not you he's trying to escape from but work, his past, what's in his head - who knows. What was his childhood like, these issues often start there. But whatever the case it is a big problem and it looks like he is prone to addiction and that is how he copes with his problems. Alcohol, exercise, food, codeine - there will always be something unless he gets to the bottom of his issues and works really hard at finding other ways to cope. But if he won't even talk about it and just gets defensive then there is literally nothing you can do.

Have you spoken to him about the codeine? You need to approach him calmly and see if he can see that this is an issue and that there is a pattern of addictive behaviour here. Does he know about your codeine addiction? I would talk about that as well and tell him you understand what a slippery slope it is but that this needs outside help. Also get some advice from addiction charities, their support and advice could be really helpful for both of you.

If he just wants to bury his head in the sand though then there is nothing you can do, you can lead a horse to water and all that. So then you have big decisions to make, things won't change if he won't get help.

It doesn't sound to me like it's about you. He is an addict. Current drugs of choice being codeine and exercise, possibly with an eating disorder too.

I cannot advise on how to help an addict but perhaps it's worth looking into some local charities and speaking to them and/or having a long hard conversation with him about his behaviour. If his eating/exercising is preventing him from living a normal healthy life with your family, exacerbated by his abuse of codeine, then he needs to sort this out or the relationship is doomed.

It could well be that he is trying (and failing) to escape all of his past trauma rather than you; what do you know about his family background?. Did he also come from a background of abuse and/or addiction?.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. I would carefully consider whether you want to remain with such a man at all because you cannot make him seek help. He has to want to do that for his own self.

He needs professional help both codeine and exercise addiction are very real things.

He is mentally ill, all you can do is encourage him to get help.

This is a common pattern with addiction and I would not take it personally. It's about his internal condition, which probably has its root in trauma and/ or not having the right tools to manage the emotional burden of the adult world. Initially he got a little bit of freedom from the exercise high, but that was hard to sustain and now he is finding alternative means of getting high, or using the codeine to enable him to continue to get the exercise high despite pain, fatigue or injury. He never really solved the root causes of his addiction so that now it has crept up on him again. I wouldn't take this personally, but I would talk to him about it. Expect him to be defensive, and possibly to lie, but also give him the opportunity to ask for help and to tell you the truth.

It's up to you whether you want to stay in a relationship with somebody who has these struggles, as much as it is his problem not yours, it becomes your problem because you either enable him or challenge him, you pick up the slack from the things he drops to prioritise his addictions. This is where al-anon and other family support can be really helpful, to get support for yourself and your children whether he decides to address his own issues or not.

He is an addict. If he stops one, he’ll move on to another.

This is a job for the professionals, only he has to want to engage with them. Addiction comes in so many forms, and taking heavy amounts of both ibuprofen and codeine could be seriously damaging his organs.

I'd confront him with them, and say you're really worried and encourage him to see the GP. Try not to panic, but he's in the grip of a very real crisis here. Thankfully you're now aware of it.

Having large amounts of meds in your home isn't safe...
Suggest he sees a Dr or you will be questioning his mh right now.

I’m also not sure this is all about you either, is there something you neglected to say which leads you to believe it is and not just he is struggling?

is he overcoming on codeine and nurofen? Does this make you sleepy and slur your words ? That’s not the normal reactions though ? Could it be something else? Is he out drinking?

I probably assume it's me because my parents didn't love me and he was the first person to really properly love me. I just assume I must be difficult to love - lots of my parents words swirling around my head.

I have just had an open conversation with him. No anger or accusations, just honesty.

He has thrown all the packets away but I am not taking that a sign of anything. He admitted that he became dependent of them when he started a new job where he got bullied. We have had an appalling year - we lost our home because I had to leave my job to care full time for our middle child and nearly ended up in temporary accommodation with the council. We are now renting privately but being the only wage earner is a huge pressure on him.

We both grew up with alcoholic Fathers. His parents are more functional than mine but he was largely ignored by them.

Thanks for suggesting he gets help - I am going to make it a condition of us staying together.

He definitely isn't drinking or doing other drugs. He is the most honest person I have ever met and now feels ashamed because he has broken my trust.

He was the first good thing in my life before we had kids. He is a good person but also an addict.

My God. I'm gutted.

The slurring of words and sleepiness is something that happens to my boyfriend when he takes codeine. He has no tolerance to it so it affects him quite strongly. I on the other hand have had a codeine addiction in the past and even now, two Zapain don't even touch the sides for me. Even 4 or 6 and i am still unaffected. If your DH is an addict, I'd be surprised by the effects because i'd expect there to be a tolerance.

He should start with his GP for blood tests, he could have done himself some damage and they will be able to signpost him further. I know it's hard but if you can phrase your concern as a medical issue he might be able to accept that he needs help.

Addicts aren't honest Op.

I wish you all the best

Poor guy. I'd confront him gently and help him. As you know from experience, it's easily done.

You need to get help for yourself, as a priority.

Him seeking help is not in your control, but you seeking help for yourself is.

He is an addict. He has lied and likely will again. You need support through this, for yourself and your children.

Just as an update - I had a counselling session today (I have regular sessions because of my childhood) and it helped me talk to dh.

My eyes have been opened and I realise that he has displayed typical addict behaviour. Hiding in plain sight, lying and gaslighting.

He has been avoiding me and our kids. And I have lacked the confidence to fully challenge him.

He wants to change. I don't know if he can but at least he now knows how corrosive his behaviour has been.

I will always love him, but I won't stay if he starts up the avoidant/addict behaviours again.

I hope he can change but I know change is really fucking hard. I will plan for the worst but hope for the best.

Thanks for the good advice.