How to get out a rut

[dancingmice]

DH and I are in a bad rut. Don't really communicate other than about the kids/life admin. We have a toddler and a six month old and have been having building works (nearly finished) since the baby was a month old. I feel like he's not been supportive enough and doesn't recognise how hard the works have been with a baby in tow. I also do almost all the house and life admin and feel very taken for granted. He probably things I'm just a complaining cow who doesn't appreciate enough that he is still going to work in a demanding job (I'm on mat leave).

We love each other very much but keep snapping and ending up arguing over totally pointless things and it's making us both really sad. DC1 is at nursery and we have family help nearby but I just feel exhausted and taken for granted all the time.

Any tips welcome to help get out of this state.

Could your family babysit so you and dh can have a night out together? Tbh the mental load is such a common issue and it’s not going to resolve itself - if he won’t work with you then it’s not going to happen

You really are in the trenches with kids those ages. The book how not to hate your husband after kids is good for both of you to read. As long as you both acknowledge that it’s a tough time, keep talking about how you feel and both acknowledge and make those changes you need you will get through it. I think sleep deprivation is the killer here. Are you able to share the nights or catch up on some sleep?

Agree with all above.

I am sure if you went to a counsellor they would say something like, take it in turns to tell the other person how much you do for the family and how you feel about it. And now the other person tell them how much you hear that and that you appreciate them.

It sounds like you have a lot of outside stress in your lives and you are no longer appreciating what the other does. Does your husband ever look after the kids alone for a day? He may understand more then?!

Thanks that's all really helpful. Yeah you're right about the mental load, it's exhausting and he just doesn't get that.

Thank you for the book recommendation- I'll order it today!

We desperately need a night off. He's told me so many times he'll organise it / what do I want to do etc. then nothing bloody happens: he says all the right things but nothing actually materially changes ☹️

If that’s a pattern then you may want to consider whether this relationship is working for you

He's told me so many times he'll organise it / what do I want to do

What do you tell him? 'I'd like us to go out to dinner together more'? 'I'd like us to communicate better'?

Give him specifics, and then you'll be able to know for sure if he's letting you down. 'I'd like us to go out for dinner one evening next week', for example. 'I'd like us to get the split of the chores organised to both of our satisfaction before December starts' etc.

If you already know he's letting you down on specifically stated things you want and need in the relationship, then you know the answer: he doesn't respect your feelings, and you need to respond accordingly to that.

Any tips welcome to help get out of this state

Have you asked him if he has any ideas? You both need to communicate clearly. What's making you unhappy, and how do you want it to change? Tell him yours, ask him his, and work on practical solutions.